"He's just bad at communication."
I must have said it a hundred times.
To my friends. To my therapist. To myself.
Then my therapist asked:
"Is he bad at communication? Or is he good at avoiding accountability?"
I sat there.
Stunned.
Because when I really looked at it:
He wasn't bad at communication.
He was selectively incompetent.
The Pattern I'd Been Ignoring
He could communicate perfectly well when:
- Telling me what he needed
- Explaining why he was upset with me
- Describing complex work situations to his boss
- Coordinating with his friends
- Arguing his point in disagreements
- Telling stories in detail
But suddenly "couldn't communicate" when:
- I needed him to explain his behavior
- I asked him to take accountability
- I wanted to discuss something he didn't want to discuss
- I needed clarity on something that hurt me
- I asked him to make a decision he didn't want to make
Convenient.
What "Bad at Communication" Actually Looked Like
Scenario 1: When I Was Hurt
Me: "When you canceled our anniversary dinner to hang out with your friends, I felt really unimportant."
Him: long pause
Him: "I don't know what you want me to say."
Translation:
"I know what you want me to say. I just don't want to say it."
What he could've said:
"You're right. That was shitty. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you."
But that requires:
Accountability.
Scenario 2: When I Needed Clarity
Me: "Where is this relationship going? We've been together two years."
Him: "I don't know. I'm bad at these conversations."
Me: "But I need to know if we're working toward the same thing."
Him: shrug "I just... I can't talk about this right now."
Translation:
"I don't want to give you an answer because then I'd have to commit or let you go. So I'll stay vague."
He could talk about:
- Fantasy football stats
- His career goals for the next ten years
- His opinions on movies for an hour
But couldn't tell me:
- If he saw a future with me
That's not bad at communication.
That's deliberate vagueness.
Scenario 3: When I Asked Him to Change Behavior
Me: "When you make jokes about my weight, it really hurts."
Him: "I was just joking. You're too sensitive."
Me: "Maybe, but I'm asking you to stop."
Him: "I don't know what you want from me. I can't say anything right."
Translation:
"I'm making this about me being the victim so I don't have to change."
A simple response would've been:
"You're right. I won't do that anymore. I'm sorry."
But that would mean:
- Acknowledging he hurt me
- Changing his behavior
- Taking responsibility
Easier to claim:
"I don't know what to say."
The Phrases That Aren't Communication Issues
These aren't communication problems. They're avoidance tactics:
"I don't know what you want me to say."
Translation: I know. I just don't want to say it.
"I'm just not good at talking about feelings."
Translation: I can talk about feelings when they're mine. Just not when you need me to be accountable for causing yours.
"You're better with words than me."
Translation: If I play dumb, maybe you'll drop it.
"I don't want to fight about this."
Translation: If I call this a fight, I can avoid the conversation entirely.
"I already apologized."
Translation: One empty "sorry" should absolve me forever.
"I don't know what you want from me."
Translation: I do. I just don't want to give it.
"Can we talk about this later?"
Translation: I hope if I delay, you'll forget or give up.
"You're making this a bigger deal than it is."
Translation: If I minimize your feelings, I don't have to address them.
The Test
Here's how you know if someone is "bad at communication" or avoiding accountability:
Ask yourself:
Can they communicate effectively when:
- They need something from you?
- They're upset with you?
- They're talking to their boss, friends, family?
- They're explaining something they care about?
If yes:
They're not bad at communication.
They're selectively silent when it requires accountability.
What This Looks Like in Different Situations
At Work
Him: sends detailed email to boss explaining project delays, extenuating circumstances, and proposed solutions
With You
You: "Why didn't you do the thing you promised?"
Him: "I don't know. I guess I forgot."
He can write a thesis to his boss.
But can't explain to you.
With Friends
Him: texts friend a detailed explanation of why he can't make plans
"Hey man, I can't make it tonight. Work has been crazy and I promised [partner] we'd have a date night. Let's reschedule for next week? Thursday work for you?"
With You
You: "Can we talk about plans this weekend?"
Him: "I don't know. Whatever you want."
He can clearly communicate with friends.
But not with you when it requires effort.
Why They Do This
Reason 1: It Works
Every time they say:
- "I don't know what to say"
- "I'm just bad at this"
- "You're better with words"
You:
- Drop it
- Feel bad for pushing
- Do the emotional labor for both of you
- Lower your expectations
They've learned:
Playing incompetent = avoiding accountability.
Reason 2: Accountability Requires Change
If they acknowledge:
"Yes, I hurt you. That was wrong."
Then they have to:
- Actually feel bad
- Change behavior
- Take responsibility
- Make amends
Much easier to say:
"I don't know what you want from me."
And avoid all of that.
Reason 3: Vagueness Keeps Options Open
If they never commit:
- To the relationship
- To change
- To plans
- To anything
They can:
- Keep you on the hook
- Maintain status quo
- Avoid difficult decisions
- Leave when convenient
Clarity requires commitment.
Vagueness requires nothing.
What Changed For Me
I stopped accepting "I don't know what to say."
Him: "I don't know what you want from me."
Old me: "I just want you to understand."
New me: "I want you to acknowledge that what you did hurt me and commit to not doing it again. Can you do that?"
Him: silence
And that silence was my answer.
Because:
He knew exactly what to say.
He just didn't want to say it.
The Real Question
Not: "Is he bad at communication?"
But: "Does he choose to communicate when it matters to me?"
If he can:
- Articulate his needs
- Explain himself at work
- Text his friends clearly
- Argue his point effectively
But suddenly goes silent when:
- You need emotional support
- You need accountability
- You need commitment
- You need clarity
He's not bad at communication.
He's choosing not to.
And that's worse.
How It Ended
After three years of:
"I don't know what to say."
"I'm just bad at this stuff."
"I can't talk about feelings."
I said:
"You can communicate fine when it's about what you need. You go silent when it's about what I need. That's not a communication issue. That's a respect issue."
Him: "I don't know what you want from me."
Me: "I want a partner who tries. And you're not trying."
I left.
Six months later:
I'm dating someone who, when I'm hurt, says:
"Tell me what happened. I want to understand so I can do better."
Not because he's "good at communication."
Because he cares enough to try.
The Bottom Line
"Bad at communication" is acceptable when:
- They're actively trying
- They ask clarifying questions
- They struggle but make effort
- They're learning and growing
- They show up even when uncomfortable
"Bad at communication" is bullshit when:
- They only communicate when it serves them
- They go silent when you need something
- They use it as an excuse to avoid accountability
- They can communicate fine in every other area of life
- They expect you to do all emotional labor
If your partner can clearly communicate their needs to you, but claims they "can't communicate" when you need them to be accountable:
They're not bad at communication.
They're bad at accountability.
And choosing not to try.
You deserve someone who:
Tries.
About 4Angles: "Bad at communication" is often code for "good at avoiding responsibility." Because if they can tell their boss, their friends, and their mom—they can tell you. They just don't want to.
Last updated: October 31, 2025