I went to therapy for a year.
Worked on myself.
Learned tools.
Made progress.
Then I'd go home.
To the same apartment.
Same relationship.
Same dynamics.
And everything I learned:
Disappeared.
My therapist finally said:
"You can't heal in the environment that's making you sick."
And I got defensive.
Because that meant:
Leaving.
What I Thought Healing Would Look Like
I thought:
"I'll go to therapy. Learn to cope better. Set boundaries. Then I'll be fine. I can stay and be healthy."
Like I could:
- Learn the right tools
- Become strong enough
- Cope my way into health
While staying in:
- Toxic relationship
- Stressful environment
- Unhealthy dynamics
My therapist told me:
"You're using therapy as survival tools for an environment you should leave. Therapy should help you thrive, not just survive."
The Environments That Keep You Sick
1. The Relationship Where You Walk on Eggshells
You learn in therapy:
- To express needs
- To set boundaries
- To communicate
You go home and:
- They punish you for needs
- They violate boundaries
- They don't listen
So you:
- Stop expressing
- Stop setting boundaries
- Stop trying
Because the environment punishes growth.
2. The Family That Requires You to Be Small
You learn in therapy:
- Your worth
- Your voice
- Your autonomy
You go to family dinner and:
- They dismiss you
- They criticize
- They require compliance
So you:
- Shrink
- Stay quiet
- Comply
Because the environment requires the old you.
3. The Job That Drains You
You learn in therapy:
- Self-care
- Boundaries
- Stress management
You go to work and:
- No boundaries allowed
- Constant stress
- No time for self-care
So you:
- Burn out repeatedly
- Can't implement what you learned
- Just survive
Because the environment demands depletion.
4. The Living Situation That Feels Unsafe
You learn in therapy:
- To calm your nervous system
- To feel safe in your body
You go home and:
- Roommate is volatile
- Neighborhood feels unsafe
- You can't relax
So you:
- Stay in fight-or-flight
- Can't implement grounding
- Never feel safe
Because the environment is actually unsafe.
My Situation
I was in therapy for:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Low self-worth
- People-pleasing
I lived with:
A partner who:
- Criticized me constantly
- Dismissed my feelings
- Required me to manage his emotions
- Punished boundaries
I'd learn in therapy:
"Set boundaries. Express needs. Value yourself."
I'd try at home:
Me: "I need you to stop criticizing how I do dishes."
Him: "You're too sensitive. I'm just trying to help."
Boundary dismissed.
I'd bring that back to therapy:
Therapist: "How did he respond to your boundary?"
Me: "He said I'm too sensitive."
Therapist: "And what did you do?"
Me: "I... just did the dishes his way."
Week after week.
Learning tools.
Couldn't use them.
Because he punished every attempt at health.
When My Therapist Finally Said It
Six months in:
Her: "How do you feel after our sessions?"
Me: "Good. Clear. Empowered."
Her: "And when you go home?"
Me: pauses "Anxious again."
Her: "You're learning tools to cope with a toxic environment. But you shouldn't need to cope. You should be able to live."
Me: "So what, I just leave?"
Her: "Do you think you can heal there?"
Me: "I... I don't know."
Her: "You've been in therapy for six months. You're doing the work. But nothing's changing. Because every time you try to implement what we learn, he punishes it. You can't grow in soil that's poisoned."
And I knew she was right.
Why We Stay
I stayed because:
1. Leaving Felt Impossible
Logistically:
- Shared apartment
- Shared finances
- Shared life
It felt easier to:
Stay and cope.
2. I Thought I Could Heal Anywhere
"It's my mental health. I can work on it anywhere."
Wrong.
You can learn coping tools.
But healing requires:
Safety.
And I wasn't safe there.
3. I Thought I Was The Problem
"If I just get strong enough, I can handle this."
But:
Needing to "get strong enough" to handle your daily environment:
Means your environment is the problem.
4. I Didn't Want to Admit Failure
Leaving meant:
Admitting:
- The relationship wasn't working
- I couldn't fix it
- I'd "wasted" three years
So I stayed.
And called it "working on myself."
What Changed When I Finally Left
I moved out.
Got my own place.
Within weeks:
I stopped:
- Walking on eggshells
- Managing his emotions
- Defending my existence
- Justifying my needs
Because:
I was no longer in an environment that required those things.
Within months:
The tools I learned in therapy:
Actually worked.
Because I was using them:
To thrive.
Not just survive.
The Difference
Before (In Toxic Environment):
Therapy taught: Express your needs.
Reality: Expressing needs got punished.
Result: Stopped expressing needs. Therapy didn't "work."
After (In Healthy Environment):
Therapy taught: Express your needs.
Reality: Expressing needs was safe.
Result: Started expressing needs. Therapy worked.
Same tools.
Different environment.
Different results.
The Environments That Heal
After I left:
I built an environment that supported healing:
1. Safe Space
Apartment where:
- No one criticizes me
- No one monitors me
- I can relax
My nervous system:
Finally calmed down.
2. Supportive People
Friends who:
- Celebrate my growth
- Respect boundaries
- Support my healing
Not people who:
Require me to stay small.
3. Boundaries Honored
When I say:
"I'm not available."
People respect it.
Or they're not in my life.
4. Room to Grow
I can:
- Try new things
- Make mistakes
- Be imperfect
- Change
Without punishment.
What My Therapist Told Me
After I left:
Her: "You've made more progress in three months than you did in six months before."
Me: "Because I'm trying harder?"
Her: "No. Because you're no longer using all your energy to survive. You can finally use it to heal."
The Hard Truth
You can:
- Learn all the tools
- Do all the work
- Try so hard
But if your environment:
- Punishes growth
- Requires you to be small
- Makes you defend your existence
- Keeps you in survival mode
You won't heal.
You'll just cope better.
And coping isn't healing.
If You're In This Situation
Ask yourself:
Does your environment:
- Support your growth?
- Allow boundaries?
- Feel safe?
- Let you be yourself?
Or does it:
- Punish growth?
- Violate boundaries?
- Feel unsafe?
- Require performance?
If the second:
You're using therapy to survive.
Not to heal.
What Leaving Looks Like
It doesn't have to be dramatic.
It can be:
- Moving out
- Ending a relationship
- Quitting a job
- Creating distance from family
- Changing friend groups
- Moving cities
Whatever removes you:
From the environment making you sick.
Two Years Later
I'm healthier than I've ever been.
Not because I'm stronger.
Not because I learned better tools.
Because I'm in an environment:
That doesn't make me sick.
And that's made:
All the difference.
I still go to therapy.
But now:
We work on growth.
Not survival.
The Permission You Need
You don't have to:
Get strong enough to handle toxicity.
You're allowed to:
Remove yourself from toxicity.
That's not weakness.
That's wisdom.
You can't heal:
In the place that made you sick.
And that's okay.
Leaving isn't giving up.
It's choosing yourself.
About 4Angles: You can't therapy your way out of a toxic environment. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is leave.
Last updated: October 31, 2025