I used to share everything.
With everyone.
Every problem.
Every struggle.
Every fear.
I thought:
"That's what friends are for."
Then I noticed:
Some people made it worse.
The People Who Made It Worse
The Advice Giver
Me: "I'm really struggling at work."
Them: "Have you tried...?"
Proceeds to give unsolicited advice for 20 minutes.
I didn't ask for advice.
I asked for listening.
But they:
Needed to fix me.
The One-Upper
Me: "I'm having a hard time with my mom."
Them: "Oh my god, YOU think that's bad? Let me tell you about MY mom..."
Shifts entire conversation to their problems.
My problem:
Became the opening act:
For their main event.
The Invalidator
Me: "I'm feeling really anxious."
Them: "Just don't think about it!"
Or: "You're being dramatic."
Or: "Other people have it worse."
My feelings:
Dismissed.
The Gossiper
I tell them in confidence.
Next week:
Three people ask me about it.
My private struggle:
Became their story to tell.
The Fixer Who Can't Fix
Them: "You should leave him."
Me: "I'm not ready."
Them: Gets frustrated "Then why are you complaining?"
Because:
Sometimes I need to vent.
Not solve.
But they:
Need me to take their advice:
Or stop talking.
The Pessimist
Me: "I'm thinking about starting a business."
Them: "Most businesses fail."
Me: "I'm going back to school."
Them: "At your age?"
Me: "I'm leaving my relationship."
Them: "You'll probably never find anyone else."
Every dream:
Met with doom.
What I Noticed
After sharing with these people:
I felt:
- Worse
- More anxious
- More confused
- More alone
- Regretful
Instead of:
- Supported
- Heard
- Better
Telling them:
Made the problem bigger.
Not smaller.
When I Started Filtering
I stopped telling:
The people who:
- Made me feel worse
- Dismissed my feelings
- Gave unsolicited advice
- Gossiped
- One-upped me
- Needed me to fix it immediately
- Couldn't hold space
And started only telling:
The people who:
- Listened without fixing
- Validated without solving
- Held space without judgment
- Kept it confidential
- Made me feel better
How I Decided Who to Tell
I asked:
"How do I feel after talking to this person?"
Lighter? → Safe to share
Heavier? → Stop sharing
Simple.
The People I Still Share With
The Listener
Me: "I'm struggling with..."
Them: Listens fully
Them: "That sounds really hard."
Doesn't:
- Fix
- Dismiss
- One-up
- Judge
Just:
Listens.
The Validator
Me: "I feel like I'm overreacting."
Them: "You're not. Your feelings make sense."
Makes me feel:
Sane.
The Space Holder
Me: Crying about something
Them: Sits with me in silence
Doesn't:
Need to fill the silence with:
- Advice
- Positivity
- Solutions
Just:
Holds space.
The Confidant
I tell them something private.
It stays private.
Always.
What Changed
1. I Feel Less Alone
Because:
The people I share with:
Actually help.
2. I Process Better
Without:
- Unsolicited advice cluttering my thinking
- Invalidation making me doubt myself
- One-uppers distracting me
I can:
Actually process.
3. I Trust My Circle
Because:
They've proven:
They can handle my struggles.
4. My Problems Stay Private
No more:
Hearing my business:
From someone else's mouth.
5. I Feel Supported
Instead of:
Regretting sharing.
The People I Excluded Were Upset
Friend: "You never talk to me anymore."
Me: "I'm just more private now."
Her: "About everything? You used to tell me stuff."
I wanted to say:
"Because you made every problem about you. You gossiped. You invalidated me."
I said:
"I'm just more selective now."
She was offended.
But:
Her offense:
Didn't outweigh:
My peace.
The Difference Now
Before:
Problem happens.
Tell everyone.
Result:
- Advice I didn't ask for
- Judgment
- Gossip
- Feeling worse
After:
Problem happens.
Tell two people.
The right two.
Result:
- Listening
- Validation
- Privacy
- Feeling better
The Script
When someone asks why I don't share:
"You never tell me anything anymore."
Response:
"I'm more private now."
"Why? I thought we were close."
Response:
"We are. I'm just working on being more selective about what I share and with whom."
If they push:
"I need to do what's best for my mental health."
End of conversation.
The Guideline I Use
Before sharing:
Ask:
"Will this person make me feel better or worse?"
Better: Share
Worse: Don't
Simple.
The Hard Truth
Not everyone who loves you:
Can hold your problems.
Some people:
- Don't have the capacity
- Don't have the skills
- Make it about them
- Can't keep it private
And that's okay.
But:
You don't owe them:
Your struggles.
What I Tell People Now
When they notice I'm quieter:
"I'm learning that not everyone needs to know everything."
It's not about trust.
It's about protection.
Mine.
If You're Sharing With Everyone
Notice:
How do you feel:
After sharing with each person?
Lighter or heavier?
Then:
Adjust accordingly.
You're not obligated:
To share with everyone.
Just because:
They want to know.
The Freedom
I used to feel:
Obligated to share.
Now:
I share selectively.
And:
Feel better.
Process clearer.
Stay more private.
Feel more protected.
Because:
Not everyone:
Deserves access:
To my struggles.
And that's okay.
About 4Angles: You don't owe everyone your problems. Share selectively with people who make you feel better, not worse.
Last updated: October 31, 2025