I used to fight.
For every:
- Friendship
- Relationship
- Connection
That was fading.
Convinced:
If I just:
Tried harder:
They'd stay.
They never did.
Now:
I don't fight.
I let go.
What "Fighting" Looked Like
Chasing People Who Pulled Away
They'd:
Get distant.
I'd:
Reach out more.
Text more.
Call more.
Try harder.
Thinking:
"If I show them I care, they'll come back."
They didn't.
Over-Functioning in One-Sided Relationships
I'd:
- Plan everything
- Initiate all contact
- Do all the emotional labor
- Make all the effort
While they:
- Showed up when convenient
- Put in zero effort
- Took me for granted
I called it:
"Fighting for us."
Actually:
I was fighting alone.
Accepting Breadcrumbs
They'd give:
Minimal effort.
I'd accept it.
Thinking:
"At least they're still here."
Barely.
Making Excuses for Them
"They're just busy."
"They're going through something."
"They're not good at communication."
Explaining away:
Their lack of effort.
As if:
Their circumstances:
Justified:
Treating me like an option.
What I Thought Fighting Meant
Love.
Commitment.
Not giving up.
Showing them:
I cared enough:
To stick around:
Even when it was hard.
What Fighting Actually Meant
Accepting:
Less than I deserved.
While calling it:
"Not giving up."
The Moment It Changed
Therapist: "Why are you fighting so hard for people who aren't fighting for you?"
Me: "Because that's what you do. You don't give up on people you love."
Her: "Loving someone doesn't mean accepting one-sided effort. It means recognizing when they're choosing not to show up—and choosing yourself instead."
Me: "But what if they come back once I stop fighting?"
Her: "Then they never valued you. They valued your chase."
Ouch.
But true.
What Happened When I Stopped Fighting
I Let People Leave
Without:
- Chasing
- Begging
- Over-explaining
- Trying to convince them to stay
Just:
Let them go.
I Stopped Over-Functioning
If they wanted:
To see me:
They could:
Reach out.
Make plans.
Put in effort.
I stopped:
Doing it all.
I Observed Who Actually Showed Up
When I stopped:
Initiating:
Half my friendships:
Disappeared.
Because:
They were only there:
Because I was:
Doing all the work.
I Started Valuing Reciprocity
Over:
Longevity.
I'd rather have:
A six-month friendship:
With mutual effort:
Than:
A six-year friendship:
Where I do everything.
The People Who Left When I Stopped Fighting
They:
Never reached out.
Never checked in.
Never wondered where I went.
Because:
They didn't actually:
Want the relationship.
They wanted:
What I gave them.
Once I stopped:
Giving:
They had:
No reason:
To stay.
The People Who Stayed
Matched my energy.
I'd text:
They'd text back.
I'd make plans:
They'd make plans too.
I'd show up:
They showed up.
Reciprocal.
Mutual.
Balanced.
That's when I realized:
I'd been fighting:
For the wrong people.
What I Learned
If You Have to Fight for Someone's Presence
You've already lost.
People who want you:
Show up.
Without being:
- Chased
- Convinced
- Begged
- Fought for
Fighting for Relationships Makes You Acceptable with Less
You teach people:
They can:
- Give minimal effort
- Show up when convenient
- Take you for granted
And you'll:
Still be there.
Letting Go Shows You Who Actually Cares
People who care:
Notice when you stop fighting.
And they:
Reach out.
Check in.
Ask what's wrong.
Put in effort.
People who don't:
Let you drift away:
Without a second thought.
The Difference
Fighting for a Relationship:
- You do all the work
- They're passive
- You chase
- They're indifferent
- One-sided
- Exhausting
A Relationship Worth Having:
- Both put in effort
- Both show up
- Mutual interest
- Reciprocal care
- Balanced
- Easy
What I Do Now
When someone:
Pulls away:
I don't chase.
I notice.
I give space.
And I see:
If they come back.
If they do:
With effort:
I'm open.
If they don't:
I have my answer.
No fighting needed.
The Test
Old friend:
Got distant.
Old me:
Would've texted constantly, asked what's wrong, tried to fix it.
New me:
Sent one message:
"I've noticed we've drifted. I value our friendship. If you want to reconnect, I'm here. Otherwise, I wish you well."
Then:
Waited.
She never responded.
And I had:
My answer.
No fight.
Just clarity.
If You're Fighting for Someone
Ask:
Are they fighting too?
Or are you fighting alone?
Do they show up?
Or do you have to beg for their time?
Is it reciprocal?
Or are you over-functioning?
Do they value you?
Or your effort?
If you're:
The only one:
Fighting:
Stop.
See what happens.
If they don't:
Notice:
Or care:
You have:
Your answer.
What I'd Tell Past Me
Stop fighting:
For people who:
Aren't fighting for you.
You're not:
Giving up.
You're:
Choosing yourself.
Over:
One-sided effort.
The right people:
Won't make you fight.
They'll:
Show up.
Willingly.
About 4Angles: Stop fighting for people who aren't fighting for you. Relationships that require constant chasing aren't worth keeping—the right people show up willingly.
Last updated: November 2, 2025