They came back.
Like I'd hoped.
Like I'd prayed for.
Like I'd imagined.
For months.
And I went back.
Thinking:
This time:
Would be different.
It wasn't.
It never is.
The Pattern
We break up.
I'm devastated.
Weeks pass.
I start healing.
Then:
They text:
"I miss you."
And I go back.
Every time.
For years.
Why I Went Back
Because I thought:
"Maybe They've Changed"
They said:
"I've been working on myself."
"I went to therapy."
"I realize what I lost."
I believed them.
Every time.
"Maybe I Was Too Harsh"
"Maybe I gave up too soon."
"Maybe I should've tried harder."
"Maybe I'm being unforgiving."
Self-blame.
Disguised as compassion.
"Maybe It'll Be Different This Time"
Because:
They seemed:
Different.
More mature.
More aware.
More ready.
In the text.
Not in reality.
"Maybe This Is My Last Chance"
"What if no one else loves me?"
"What if I'm throwing away 'the one'?"
"What if I regret this?"
Fear.
Not love.
What Actually Happened When I Went Back
Week One: The Honeymoon
Amazing.
Everything I'd missed:
- Attention
- Affection
- Familiarity
- "Us" again
I thought:
"This is it. We're back. It's different."
Week Two: The Cracks
Small things:
Same patterns:
- Not texting back
- Being defensive
- Avoiding hard conversations
- The familiar distance
I thought:
"It's fine. Just adjusting."
Week Three-Four: The Same Problems
The exact issues:
That broke us up:
Back.
Nothing changed.
Because:
They didn't change.
They just:
Missed me.
Missing someone:
Doesn't mean:
You'll treat them better.
Why It Always Disappoints
1. You Remember the Fantasy, Not the Reality
I remembered:
- The good moments
- The potential
- Who they could be
- What we could be
I forgot:
- The actual problems
- The real pain
- Who they actually were
- What we actually were
2. They Haven't Changed
Real change:
Takes time.
Months.
Years.
Therapy.
Self-work.
Not:
Two weeks of missing you.
They came back:
Because they were:
- Lonely
- Nostalgic
- Bored
- Afraid to be alone
Not:
Because they'd done:
The work.
3. You've Already Outgrown It
During the breakup:
You healed.
You grew.
You evolved.
Going back:
Means shrinking:
To fit the old version:
Of the relationship.
It never fits.
4. The Trust Is Gone
Even if you try:
You remember:
How they hurt you.
How they left.
How they made you feel.
You're waiting:
For them to do it again.
And they usually do.
5. You Repeat the Cycle
Breaking up:
And getting back together:
Teaches both of you:
Nothing is final.
No boundary is real.
You'll always:
Take them back.
So why change?
The Worst Part
I'd been healing.
Making progress.
Moving on.
Feeling better.
Going back:
Reset everything.
All that healing:
Gone.
Starting over:
From scratch.
Again.
The Last Time I Went Back
He texted:
"I miss you. I know I messed up. I've been in therapy. Can we talk?"
Old me:
Would've said yes immediately.
New me:
Paused.
And asked:
"What's different?"
Him:
"I've been working on myself. I promise it'll be different."
Me:
"How?"
Him:
"I just... I miss you. I know I can do better."
Vague.
No specifics.
No real change.
Just:
Missing me.
I said:
"I don't think this is a good idea."
Him:
"You're not even willing to try?"
There it was.
Guilt.
Me:
"I tried. Multiple times. I'm done."
And I was.
For real this time.
What I Learned
Going back:
Feels like:
- Hope
- Second chances
- Love
Actually it's:
- Fear
- Comfort-seeking
- Avoiding the unknown
People don't change:
Because they miss you.
They change:
Because they do:
The hard work.
And if they had:
They'd show you specifics:
Not:
Vague promises.
The Questions I Ask Now
When someone wants me back:
"What's different?"
If they can't answer specifically—nothing is.
"What work have you done?"
If they say "therapy" without details—they haven't.
"Why do you want me back?"
If they say "I miss you"—that's not enough.
"What will you do differently?"
If they're vague—they won't.
Six Months Later
He reached out again:
"I see you're doing well. I'm happy for you."
I didn't respond.
Because:
I know:
What comes next:
"I still think about us."
"Do you ever think we could try again?"
"I've really changed this time."
The cycle.
And I'm:
Not doing it:
Again.
If Someone Wants You Back
Ask yourself:
Have they changed?
Really? With proof?
Or do they just:
Miss you?
Have you healed?
Are you going back because you're better? Or because you're lonely?
Why did you leave?
Have those reasons been addressed? Actually?
Are you ready:
To restart the healing process:
When it disappoints you:
Again?
Going back:
Feels good:
For a week.
Then:
You remember why you left.
Save yourself:
The disappointment.
Keep moving forward.
About 4Angles: Going back always disappoints because people don't change from missing you—they change from doing the work. And usually, they haven't.
Last updated: November 2, 2025