I wanted closure so badly.
I wanted:
- An explanation
- An apology
- Acknowledgment of the hurt
- Them to understand
- One final conversation
I thought:
"If I just understand WHY, I can move on."
My therapist said:
"You're not looking for closure. You're looking for them to care. And they won't."
That hurt.
But she was right.
What I Thought Closure Would Give Me
I thought if he just:
Explained why he left:
"Then I'd understand and it wouldn't hurt anymore."
Apologized:
"Then I'd feel validated and could heal."
Admitted what he did wrong:
"Then I'd have the acknowledgment I need."
Had one last conversation:
"Then we could end things properly."
I spent months:
Waiting for closure from him.
Replaying conversations.
Drafting texts I never sent.
Imagining what I'd say.
Waiting for him:
To give me permission to move on.
The Text I Almost Sent
I wrote it out:
"I need closure. I need to understand why you left. I need to know what I did wrong. Can we talk? Just once. I think it would help both of us."
My hand hovered over send.
Then I called my therapist.
What She Told Me
Therapist: "What do you think closure from him will give you?"
Me: "Understanding. Peace. Answers."
Her: "And if he doesn't give you those things?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Her: "What if you have that conversation and he:
- Doesn't apologize?
- Doesn't take accountability?
- Blames you?
- Is dismissive?
- Still doesn't care?"
Me: silence
Her: "That's the thing about seeking closure from someone who hurt you. They're the same person who hurt you. Why would they suddenly give you what you need now?"
And it clicked.
Why External Closure Doesn't Work
1. You're Asking Them to Care
When you seek closure:
You're hoping they'll:
- Acknowledge your pain
- Validate your feelings
- Take responsibility
- Show they care
But:
If they cared:
They wouldn't have hurt you in the first place.
Or they would've apologized already.
2. They're the Same Person Who Hurt You
The person who:
- Ghosted you
- Cheated
- Lied
- Betrayed you
- Treated you poorly
Is the same person you're asking for closure from.
They're not magically:
Going to become caring and accountable now.
3. You're Giving Them Power
By waiting for their closure:
You're saying:
"I can't move on until you let me."
"My healing depends on you."
"You control my peace."
That's not closure.
That's emotional hostage-taking.
4. No Answer Will Actually Satisfy You
Even if they give you reasons:
"I left because you were too much."
You'll hurt more.
"I left because I met someone else."
You'll hurt more.
"I left because I didn't love you."
You'll hurt more.
There's no answer that makes it hurt less.
5. Closure Is a Feeling, Not Information
You think you need answers.
Actually:
You need to feel okay.
And their answers:
Won't make you feel okay.
Only you can.
What Happened When I Didn't Send That Text
I deleted it.
And I sat with:
The not knowing.
The lack of explanation.
The absence of apology.
It was hard.
For weeks.
I kept thinking:
"If I just knew why..."
But eventually:
I stopped waiting for him to give me closure.
And started giving it to myself.
How I Gave Myself Closure
1. I Accepted I'd Never Know Why
The truth:
Maybe he didn't even know why.
Maybe there was no good reason.
Maybe the reason wouldn't make sense.
Either way:
Knowing wouldn't change that he left.
2. I Wrote The Letter (And Didn't Send It)
I wrote everything:
- What I wanted to say
- What I wanted to hear
- What hurt
- What I needed
Then:
I didn't send it.
Because:
The letter was for me.
Not him.
I was giving myself:
The chance to process.
Without needing his response.
3. I Stopped Waiting For His Apology
I told myself:
"He's not going to apologize. And that's okay. I don't need his apology to know what he did was wrong."
My validation:
Didn't require his acknowledgment.
4. I Created My Own Ending
I didn't get a proper goodbye.
So I gave myself one:
"This relationship is over. It hurt me. I deserved better. I'm closing this chapter now."
Out loud. In my apartment. Alone.
It felt silly.
But it worked.
Because:
I stopped waiting for him to close it.
And closed it myself.
5. I Focused On What I DID Know
I didn't know:
- Why he left
- What I did wrong
- If he cared
I DID know:
- He left
- He didn't fight for me
- He didn't communicate
- I deserve someone who stays
Those facts:
Were enough.
Three Months Later
I stopped:
- Checking his social media
- Hoping he'd reach out
- Waiting for closure
- Replaying it all
Not because I got answers.
Because:
I stopped needing them from him.
The Closure He Finally Gave (And Why It Didn't Matter)
Six months later:
He texted.
"Hey. I know it's been a while. I'm sorry for how things ended. I wasn't in a good place. I should've communicated better. I hope you're doing well."
The closure I'd wanted for months.
And by then:
I didn't need it anymore.
I read it.
Felt nothing.
Didn't respond.
Because:
I'd already moved on.
Without his permission.
What I Learned
Closure from them:
- Won't heal you
- Won't answer the real question ("Why doesn't it hurt anymore?")
- Won't give you peace
- Gives them power over your healing
Closure from yourself:
- Heals you
- Answers the real need (feeling okay again)
- Gives you peace
- Takes your power back
You don't need:
- Their explanation
- Their apology
- Their acknowledgment
- Their permission
To move on.
If You're Waiting For Closure
Ask yourself:
"What do I think their closure will give me?"
Then ask:
"Can I give that to myself?"
Usually:
Yes.
You're not waiting for information.
You're waiting to feel okay.
And you can feel okay:
Without their permission.
The Hard Truth
The person who hurt you:
Probably won't:
- Apologize
- Take accountability
- Explain satisfactorily
- Give you what you need
And you can:
Heal anyway.
Closure isn't something they give you.
It's something you give yourself.
About 4Angles: You don't need closure from them. You need closure from yourself—and you can give that to yourself right now.
Last updated: October 31, 2025