The Vanishing Act
Last month, you talked every day.
Made plans regularly.
They were your person.
Then they met someone.
Now?
Radio silence.
Plans get canceled:
"Sorry, [partner] wants to do something that night."
Texts go unanswered.
You're left on read.
But you see them posting couple photos constantly.
They didn't move away.
They didn't die.
They just... disappeared into a relationship.
And you're left wondering:
Is this normal? Or am I being abandoned?
The Difference: Normal vs. Problematic
Normal "New Relationship Energy":
What happens:
- Less frequent contact (but still consistent)
- Talks about their partner a lot
- Prioritizes some dates over hangouts
- Eventually balances relationship and friendships
Timeline:
- First 2-3 months: Heavy relationship focus
- Months 3-6: Starting to rebalance
- Months 6+: Back to mostly normal friendship levels
Your feelings:
- Mildly annoyed but understanding
- Happy for them
- Confident the friendship will survive
Problematic Abandonment:
What happens:
- COMPLETE disappearance
- Only contacts you when they fight with partner
- Cancels plans repeatedly
- Never makes time for you
- Dismisses your concerns
Timeline:
- Months 1-6+: No rebalancing
- You're consistently deprioritized
- Pattern continues indefinitely
Your feelings:
- Hurt, abandoned, angry
- Questioning the friendship
- Feeling used (only needed during breakups)
The Signs They've Gone Too Far
Sign 1: You Only Hear from Them When They're Fighting
The pattern:
Silent for weeks.
Then:
"Hey! Can we talk? [Partner] and I had a huge fight..."
You provide support.
They make up with partner.
Silent again.
You're the backup emotional support, not an actual friend.
Sign 2: Every Conversation Is About Their Partner
You: "How have you been?"
Them: "[Partner] did the sweetest thing yesterday..."
You: "That's nice. So I wanted to tell you about—"
Them: "Oh, and then [Partner] said..."
EVERY conversation loops back to them.
You're an audience, not a participant.
Sign 3: They Cancel Plans Repeatedly
The script:
Monday: "Let's hang out Saturday!" Thursday: "Still on for Saturday?" Saturday morning: "So sorry, [Partner] wants to do something. Rain check?"
Once? Okay.
Repeatedly? Pattern.
Sign 4: They Expect You to Include Their Partner in Everything
You: "Want to grab coffee, just us?"
Them: "Can [Partner] come?"
Every. Time.
Individual friendship doesn't exist anymore.
Sign 5: They Get Defensive When You Bring It Up
You: "I feel like we never hang out anymore."
Them:
- "You're being dramatic."
- "I'm allowed to have a relationship."
- "You're just jealous."
- "You're being a bad friend for not supporting my happiness."
Instead of acknowledging your feelings:
They gaslight you.
Sign 6: Your Important Moments Go Unacknowledged
Your birthday: Forgotten or last-minute text.
Your promotion: Barely acknowledged.
Your crisis: "I'm sorry, I'm busy with [Partner]. Can we talk later?" (Never follows up)
But THEIR relationship milestones?
They expect full celebration and participation.
Sign 7: They Only Want to Do Couple Activities
You can no longer:
- Grab coffee one-on-one
- Have girls'/guys' nights
- Do activities without their partner
Everything becomes:
- Double dates
- Group hangouts
- Couple-centric events
Your individual friendship has been absorbed into their relationship.
Sign 8: They Talk Differently
Before:
- Deep conversations
- Vulnerability
- Mutual sharing
Now:
- Surface-level only
- Everything filtered through partner's perspective
- No real connection
It's like you're talking to a stranger.
Why Friends Disappear Into Relationships
Reason 1: New Relationship Energy (Temporary)
The brain chemistry:
New relationships flood the brain with dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin.
It's intoxicating.
Like a drug.
For the first few months:
Many people become consumed.
This is normal—to a point.
Reason 2: They're Codependent
Some people can't function without merging completely with their partner.
They lose themselves in relationships.
Every time.
Reason 3: Their Partner Is Controlling
Sometimes, the partner:
- Doesn't like them having friends
- Monopolizes their time
- Creates jealousy or drama about friendships
- Isolates them
This is abuse.
Reason 4: They Prioritize Romance Over All Other Relationships
Some people believe:
"My partner should be my everything."
They don't value friendship the same way.
When they have a partner, friends become optional.
Reason 5: They're Conflict-Avoidant
They know they're being a bad friend.
Instead of addressing it:
They avoid you altogether.
Reason 6: The Relationship Is Unhealthy
If the relationship is:
- Dramatic
- All-consuming
- Volatile
They're constantly in crisis mode.
No bandwidth left for friendships.
How to Address It
Step 1: Give Them 2-3 Months
New relationship energy is real.
Don't overreact to the first few months.
But if it continues past that:
Address it.
Step 2: Have a Direct Conversation
"Hey, I've been feeling distant from you since you started dating [Partner]. I'm happy you're in a relationship, but I miss our friendship. Can we talk about finding balance?"
Their response matters:
Receptive:
"You're right. I'm sorry. Let's make plans and actually stick to them."
Defensive:
"You're just jealous. I can't help that I'm in love."
Step 3: Set a Boundary
"I need friends who make time for me, not just when they're single or fighting with their partner. I need consistency."
Then follow through:
If they don't change, pull back.
Step 4: Stop Being Available on Demand
If they only contact you during fights:
Don't drop everything.
"I'm busy tonight. Let's talk later this week."
Teach them that you're not just crisis support.
Step 5: Evaluate If the Friendship Is Worth Saving
Ask yourself:
- Have they always done this in relationships?
- Do they value friendship, or just companionship until they're partnered?
- Am I just a placeholder until they find romance?
If this is a pattern:
The friendship might not survive.
What NOT to Do
Don't:
❌ Issue ultimatums about their partner
"It's me or them."
This will backfire.
❌ Trash-talk their partner
Even if the partner IS the problem:
Criticizing them will push your friend away.
❌ Wait around indefinitely
If they've shown for months that you're not a priority:
Move on.
❌ Only reach out when YOU need something
Don't become what you're criticizing.
When It's a Red Flag for Abuse
Watch for these signs in their relationship:
🚨 Partner actively isolates them from friends
🚨 Partner gets jealous of any time spent with others
🚨 Your friend seems different (quieter, less confident)
🚨 They make excuses for partner's controlling behavior
🚨 They seem afraid to upset their partner
If you see these:
Express concern carefully:
"I'm worried about you. I'm here if you need me."
Don't push.
Abuse victims often defend their abuser and cut off people who criticize them.
How to Maintain the Friendship (If They're Willing)
Boundary 1: Regular One-on-One Time
"Can we commit to one coffee date a month, just us?"
Non-negotiable.
Boundary 2: No Last-Minute Cancellations
"If we make plans, I need you to keep them unless it's an emergency."
Boundary 3: Reciprocal Effort
"I need you to initiate plans sometimes, not just me reaching out."
Boundary 4: Friendship Conversations, Not Just Partner Talk
"I love hearing about [Partner], but I also want to hear about YOU. What's going on with your life?"
Real Example: When They Come Back After a Breakup
The Situation:
- Best friends for 5 years
- She got a boyfriend
- Disappeared for 8 months
- I texted occasionally, got minimal responses
- Saw them on social media constantly
Then they broke up.
Her text:
"Hey! I miss you so much. Can we hang out?"
My response:
"I'm hurt. You disappeared when you were in a relationship and only reached out now that you're single. That feels like I'm a placeholder."
Her response:
"You're right. I'm so sorry. I got too wrapped up. Can I make it up to you?"
The outcome:
I gave her another chance.
She followed through:
- Made consistent effort
- When she started dating again, maintained balance
- Kept our regular hangouts
The friendship survived because she:
- Acknowledged the hurt
- Changed her behavior
- Prioritized the friendship even when partnered
The Bottom Line
Friends disappearing into relationships:
- Happens often
- Is normal for the first 2-3 months
- Becomes problematic if it continues indefinitely
Signs they've gone too far:
- Only contact you during fights
- Cancel plans repeatedly
- Every conversation is about partner
- Defensive when you bring it up
- Your moments go unacknowledged
- Only want couple activities
Why it happens:
- New relationship energy (temporary)
- Codependency
- Controlling partner
- They prioritize romance over friendship
- Conflict avoidance
How to handle:
- Give them 2-3 months
- Address it directly
- Set boundaries
- Stop being available on demand
- Evaluate if friendship is worth saving
Remember:
You're allowed to:
- Feel hurt
- Expect balance
- Set boundaries
- Walk away if needed
Good friends:
- Make time for you, partnered or not
- Balance relationship and friendships
- Don't disappear and reappear based on relationship status
If someone only values you when they're single:
You're a placeholder, not a priority.
And you deserve better.
About 4Angles: We help you navigate the hurt of being deprioritized when friends enter relationships. Because you deserve friends who value you regardless of their relationship status. Built for people tired of being the backup option.
Last updated: October 31, 2025