She said sorry.
Again.
For the hundredth time.
And I realized:
Sorry:
Stopped meaning anything:
Around apology thirty-seven.
The Pattern of Apologies
She'd:
Hurt me.
I'd tell her:
It hurt.
She'd say:
"I'm so sorry. I'll do better."
I'd forgive her.
She'd do it again.
Repeat.
For years.
The Apologies I Accepted
Apology #1:
Her: "I'm sorry I canceled last minute. It won't happen again."
Me: "It's okay. I understand."
Apology #15:
Her: "I'm sorry I canceled again. I know I keep doing this."
Me: "It's fine. Just try to give me more notice next time."
Apology #34:
Her: "I'm really sorry. I know I said I wouldn't do this anymore."
Me: "...Okay."
Apology #52:
Her: "I'm sorry. I don't know why I keep doing this."
Me: Silence.
Because:
I did know:
Why she kept doing it.
She was sorry:
For getting caught.
Not sorry enough:
To change.
When I Realized Sorry Wasn't Enough
Latest apology:
Her: "I'm so sorry. Really. I mean it this time."
Me: "What are you going to do differently?"
Her: "What do you mean?"
Me: "You've apologized for this fifty times. What are you actually going to change?"
Her: "I... I'll try harder."
Me: "That's what you said last time. And the time before. And before that."
Her: "I know. I'm sorry."
There it was again.
Another apology.
Zero action.
What Sorry Without Change Means
It means:
"I'm sorry you're upset."
Not:
"I'm sorry enough to stop doing the thing that upsets you."
It means:
"I want you to stop being mad at me."
Not:
"I want to actually change my behavior."
It means:
"I'm uncomfortable with your anger."
Not:
"I'm uncomfortable with my own actions."
The Types of Empty Apologies
1. "I'm sorry you feel that way"
Not an apology.
A dismissal.
Translation:
"I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm sorry you're upset about it."
2. "I'm sorry, BUT..."
Everything after the "but":
Cancels the apology.
"I'm sorry, but you're overreacting."
Translation:
"I'm not actually sorry."
3. "I said I'm sorry, what more do you want?"
Changed behavior.
That's what I want.
4. "I'm sorry" + Immediate Repeat
Apology:
Followed by:
Doing the same thing:
Days later.
Not sorry.
5. "I don't know why I keep doing this"
Yes you do.
You keep doing it:
Because:
There are no consequences.
I keep accepting:
"Sorry."
What I Started Saying Instead of "It's Okay"
When she said:
"I'm sorry."
I used to say:
"It's okay."
Now I say:
"What are you going to do differently?"
Or:
"I appreciate the apology. I need to see changed behavior."
Or:
"Sorry isn't enough anymore. I need action."
The Conversation That Changed Everything
Her: "I'm sorry I canceled again."
Me: "What are you going to do to make sure this doesn't keep happening?"
Her: "I'll be better about it."
Me: "How?"
Her: "I... I'll just try to remember."
Me: "You've said that before. Multiple times. I need you to actually change, not just apologize."
Her: "I said I'm sorry. What else do you want?"
Me: "I want you to stop doing the thing you're apologizing for."
Her: "You're being really harsh right now."
Me: "I'm being clear. Sorry without change is just manipulation."
She got quiet.
Then:
Never changed.
When I Stopped Accepting Apologies
Next time:
Her: "I'm sorry."
Me: "I don't accept your apology."
Her: "What?"
Me: "You've apologized for this same thing twenty times. Each time, you do it again. Your apology means nothing without changed behavior."
Her: "So you won't even give me a chance?"
Me: "I've given you twenty chances. That's too many."
Her: "I can't believe you're being like this."
Me: "And I can't believe you think 'sorry' is enough after this many times."
I walked away.
What Real Apologies Look Like
Not just:
"I'm sorry."
But:
"I'm sorry. Here's what I did wrong. Here's why it was wrong. Here's what I'm going to do differently. Here's how I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen again."
And then:
They actually do it differently.
The Friend Who Got It Right
Different friend:
Her: "I'm sorry I keep canceling. I realize I'm overcommitting and then backing out on you. That's not fair. Moving forward, I'm not going to say yes to plans unless I'm certain I can make it. And if something comes up, I'll give you at least 24 hours notice, not last minute."
Then:
She actually did it.
Changed behavior.
That's a real apology.
What I Do Now
When someone apologizes:
I listen.
Then I watch:
What they do next.
If they:
Change:
The apology was real.
If they:
Repeat:
The apology was empty.
And I don't accept:
Empty apologies:
Anymore.
The Questions I Ask
When someone says sorry:
"What are you going to do differently?"
If they can't answer—they're not really sorry.
"How will you make sure this doesn't happen again?"
If they're vague—they haven't thought about changing.
"Have you apologized for this before?"
If yes—and they did it again—the apology means nothing.
If Someone Keeps Apologizing for the Same Thing
They're not sorry.
They're sorry:
You're upset.
But not sorry enough:
To change.
Stop accepting:
The apology.
Start watching:
The behavior.
Because:
"Sorry":
Without change:
Is just:
A word:
To make you:
Stop being mad.
While they:
Keep hurting you.
About 4Angles: "Sorry" without changed behavior is manipulation. If someone keeps apologizing for the same thing—they're not sorry enough to stop doing it.
Last updated: November 2, 2025