It took me two years to see it.
The pattern was there:
The whole time.
I just didn't want to believe:
I was the backup.
The Signs I Ignored
He only texted me late at night
Me at 10 AM: texts
Him: reads, doesn't respond
Him at 11 PM: "Hey, what are you up to?"
I thought: "He's just busy during the day."
Reality: "He's texting other people during the day."
Plans were always last minute
Me: "Want to hang out this weekend?"
Him: "I'll let you know."
Saturday, 8 PM: "You free?"
I thought: "He's spontaneous."
Reality: "His first choice fell through."
He never committed to anything in advance
Me: "There's a concert next month. Want to go?"
Him: "Maybe. Let's see closer to the date."
Never committed.
Never went.
I thought: "He likes to keep things flexible."
Reality: "He's keeping his options open."
I'd hear from him in waves
Week 1-2: Constant contact. Sweet. Attentive.
Week 3-4: Radio silence.
Week 5: Back. Like nothing happened.
I thought: "He's just busy sometimes."
Reality: "He's seeing someone else. When it doesn't work out, he comes back to me."
He never posted about me
His Instagram: Full of life. Friends. Adventures.
Me in it: Never.
I thought: "He's private."
Reality: "He's keeping me hidden."
He'd cancel when "something came up"
Made plans Tuesday.
Tuesday morning: "Hey, something came up. Rain check?"
Every time.
Last minute.
Vague excuse.
I thought: "Life happens."
Reality: "Something better came up."
I felt like I was always chasing
I:
- Initiated most conversations
- Asked to hang out
- Made the effort
- Pursued
Him:
- Responded sometimes
- Was available sometimes
- Put in minimal effort
I thought: "I'm just more proactive."
Reality: "I'm doing all the work because he's not invested."
The Moment I Knew
Valentine's Day.
I assumed we'd see each other.
We'd been "dating" for eight months.
Me, Feb 10: "Want to do something for Valentine's?"
Him: "Oh, I didn't realize you were into that stuff."
Me: "I mean, we don't have to. But it would be nice."
Him: "Let me see what my schedule looks like."
Feb 13: Nothing.
Feb 14, 9 AM: I text "So... tonight?"
Him: "Oh man, sorry. I made other plans. Didn't think we were doing anything."
Other plans.
On Valentine's Day.
With who?
That night:
I saw his Instagram story.
At a restaurant.
With a girl.
And I finally saw it.
The Realization
I wasn't his girlfriend.
I was:
The person he texted:
- When he was bored
- When he was lonely
- When his plans fell through
- When no one else was available
I was:
Entertainment.
Convenience.
The backup plan.
What I Did
I texted:
"I saw your story. Who's the girl?"
Him, 2 AM: "Just a friend."
Me: "Are you seeing other people?"
Him: "We never said we were exclusive."
And there it was.
Eight months.
Never discussed exclusivity.
Because I assumed.
And he let me.
The Conversation
Me: "What are we?"
Him: "I thought we were just hanging out."
Me: "For eight months?"
Him: "I mean, yeah. We're having fun."
Me: "Are you seeing other people?"
Him: "I'm... keeping my options open."
Me: "So I'm an option."
Him: "Don't say it like that."
Me: "How should I say it?"
Him: "I like you. I just don't want anything serious right now."
Translation:
"I like you enough to keep you around. Not enough to commit. But enough to not let you go in case I change my mind."
What Keeping Me As Backup Looked Like
He:
Never fully committed:
Because what if someone better came along?
Never introduced me to his life:
Because then people would think we're together.
Only made last-minute plans:
Because I was the backup if nothing else panned out.
Disappeared for weeks:
Because he was pursuing someone else.
Came back when it didn't work out:
Because I was reliable. Always there. Always available.
Never called me his girlfriend:
Because that would close the door to other options.
Gave me just enough:
To keep me hoping. But never enough to feel secure.
Why I Stayed
I kept thinking:
"If I'm patient, he'll choose me."
"If I'm cool and easy-going, he'll see I'm the one."
"If I don't pressure him, he'll commit."
I was performing.
Auditioning.
Trying to prove I was worthy of being chosen.
When I should've been asking:
"Why am I waiting to be chosen by someone who's treating me like an option?"
The Wake-Up Call
My friend said:
"You're not his girlfriend. You're his maybe."
Me: "He just needs time."
Her: "It's been eight months. If he wanted you, you'd know. You wouldn't be wondering."
And she was right.
Because:
When someone wants you:
- They make time
- They make plans
- They commit
- They claim you
- You know
When someone's keeping you as backup:
- They're "busy"
- Plans are last minute
- They're "not ready for serious"
- They hide you
- You're always wondering
How It Ended
Me: "I don't want to be your backup plan."
Him: "You're not. I just—"
Me: "You see other people. You keep me hidden. You only reach out when you need something. That's a backup plan."
Him: "I told you I'm not ready for serious."
Me: "Then I'm done. Because I'm ready. And I'm not waiting for you to decide I'm worth prioritizing."
Him: "Don't be dramatic."
And that's when I knew:
I made the right choice.
Because to him:
Wanting to be prioritized:
Was dramatic.
Three Months Later
He texted.
"Hey stranger. Miss you. Want to catch up?"
Old me:
Would've responded immediately. Grateful he was back. Hoping he'd changed.
New me:
Deleted without responding.
Because:
I'd learned my worth.
And backup plan:
Wasn't it.
The Signs You're Someone's Backup Plan
If:
They only reach out:
- Late at night
- When they're bored
- Sporadically
Plans are:
- Always last minute
- Frequently canceled
- Never committed in advance
They:
- Won't define the relationship
- Keep you hidden
- Are "not ready for serious"
- Disappear for days/weeks
- Are clearly seeing other people
You:
- Feel like you're always chasing
- Are always wondering where you stand
- Feel anxious about the relationship
- Never feel secure
You're the backup.
What I Wish I'd Known Sooner
If you're confused about where you stand:
You already have your answer.
People who want you:
Make it clear.
People who are keeping you as backup:
Keep it vague.
Stop:
Waiting to be chosen.
Proving your worth.
Accepting crumbs.
You're not:
An option.
A maybe.
A backup plan.
You're:
Someone's first choice.
Or no one's.
One Year Later
I'm with someone who:
- Made plans weeks in advance
- Introduced me to everyone immediately
- Never made me wonder where I stood
- Chose me consistently
- Called me his girlfriend proudly
From the start.
Because:
When someone wants you:
You know.
You're not left guessing.
You're not performing.
You're not the backup.
You're the choice.
About 4Angles: If you're wondering if you're the backup plan—you are. People who want you make it obvious. Don't settle for being someone's maybe.
Last updated: October 31, 2025