Everyone told me:
"Once you leave, you'll feel so much better!"
They were right.
Eventually.
But no one told me:
About the months in between.
What I Expected
I thought:
Leave:
Immediate relief. Freedom. Peace.
Reality:
Leave:
Hell. Chaos. Breakdown. Then slowly... healing.
What Nobody Warned Me About
1. The Hoovering
Two weeks after I left:
Him:
"I miss you."
"I've changed."
"I'm getting therapy."
"Please give me another chance."
"I've never loved anyone like I love you."
Every weakness.
Exploited.
I almost went back.
Three times.
Because:
The version he was promising:
Was the version I'd been waiting for:
For three years.
What I learned:
Hoovering is manipulation.
Not change.
2. The Smear Campaign
Within days:
Mutual friends:
"He says you were abusive."
"He says you're mentally unstable."
"He's telling everyone you cheated."
All lies.
But believable:
Because he's convincing.
I lost:
Half our friends.
Before I could:
Tell my side.
What I learned:
Narcissists rewrite history.
And people believe them.
3. The Flying Monkeys
His friends:
Started contacting me.
"He's really struggling."
"Can't you give him another chance?"
"He's changed, I can tell."
"Don't you think you're being harsh?"
Recruited:
To bring me back.
What I learned:
Block them all.
Immediately.
4. The Self-Doubt
Even knowing:
He was toxic:
I doubted:
"Was I the problem?"
"Was I too sensitive?"
"Did I overreact?"
"Maybe I WAS crazy."
Because:
He'd said it so many times:
I'd started believing it.
What I learned:
If you're questioning your sanity:
You were probably gaslit.
5. The Trauma Bond Withdrawal
Missing him:
Felt like:
Withdrawal.
Physical symptoms:
- Anxiety
- Insomnia
- Nausea
- Panic attacks
- Obsessive thoughts
I didn't miss him.
I missed:
The dopamine hits:
The cycle provided.
What I learned:
Trauma bonds are addictive.
Withdrawal is real.
6. The Grief
Grief for:
Not just him.
But:
- The person I thought he was
- The relationship I thought we had
- The future I'd imagined
- The three years I'd invested
- The version of me before him
Heavy grief.
What I learned:
You grieve:
What never existed.
And what was lost.
7. The Isolation
He'd slowly:
Cut me off from:
- Friends
- Family
- Hobbies
- Myself
When I left:
I had no one.
Had to rebuild:
Everything.
From scratch.
What I learned:
Isolation is part of abuse.
And recovery means:
Rebuilding your world.
8. The Fear
That he'd:
- Show up
- Escalate
- Hurt me
- Ruin my reputation further
- Turn everyone against me
Constant hypervigilance.
What I learned:
Leaving can be dangerous.
Safety planning matters.
9. The Backsliding
I blocked him.
Then unblocked.
Looked at his social media.
Almost texted.
Almost went back.
Multiple times.
What I learned:
Healing isn't linear.
Setbacks happen.
That's normal.
10. The Realization of How Bad It Was
Six months out:
Therapy.
I started seeing:
The full picture.
How bad it actually was.
Things I'd normalized:
- Constant criticism
- Walking on eggshells
- Isolation
- Gaslighting
- Control
- Emotional abuse
I didn't see it:
While in it.
What I learned:
You can't see clearly:
Until you're out.
The Timeline Nobody Tells You
Week 1-2: Relief
Initial freedom.
"I did it!"
Week 3-6: The Crash
Reality hits.
Hoovering starts.
Doubting the decision.
Withdrawal symptoms.
Month 2-3: The Confusion
Missing him.
But knowing he was toxic.
Grieving.
Isolated.
Almost going back.
Month 4-6: The Fog Lifts
Starting to see clearly.
Understanding the abuse.
Feeling stronger.
Still struggling but improving.
Month 7-12: The Healing
Building new life.
Making new friends.
Rediscovering self.
Feeling genuinely better.
Year 2+: The Freedom
Finally free.
Can't believe you stayed.
Grateful you left.
What Helped Me Survive
1. No Contact
Complete.
Blocked everywhere.
No exceptions.
No "just checking."
No closure conversation.
No contact:
Is the only way.
2. Therapy
With someone:
Who understands narcissistic abuse.
Not all therapists do.
3. Support Groups
Online forums.
Reddit communities.
People who'd been there.
Validation:
That I wasn't crazy.
4. Journaling
Every time:
I wanted to go back:
I read:
What I'd written:
About the abuse.
Reminded me:
Why I left.
5. New Connections
Slowly:
Rebuilt friendships.
Made new ones.
Reconnected with family.
6. Protecting My Peace
Blocked:
- Him
- His friends
- His family
- Anyone who brought him up
Ruthlessly.
7. Education
Read everything:
About narcissistic abuse.
Understanding:
Made it less confusing.
One Year Later
He's still:
The same.
New girlfriend.
Same patterns.
I heard:
She's miserable.
I'm:
- Free
- Healed
- In healthy relationship
- At peace
What I Wish I'd Known
It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
The first few months:
Are brutal.
That's normal.
Push through.
He Won't Change
No matter what he promises.
The person you're hoping he'll become:
Doesn't exist.
You'll Want to Go Back
Multiple times.
Don't.
The urge passes.
But if you go back:
You'll have to leave again.
And it's harder each time.
You're Not Crazy
If you feel crazy:
It's because you were gaslit.
Your reality:
Is valid.
No Contact Is Not Negotiable
Every time you break it:
You reset your healing.
Block.
Delete.
Move on.
You'll Grieve
And that's okay.
Grieve:
- What you thought you had
- What you hoped for
- The time lost
Then:
Let it go.
The Right People Will Believe You
Some won't.
That's okay.
They weren't your people.
The ones who matter:
Will see the truth.
If You Just Left
I see you.
It's hard right now.
Harder than you thought.
You're doubting.
Missing him.
Wanting to go back.
Don't.
What you're feeling:
Is withdrawal.
Not love.
It will pass.
On the other side:
Is freedom.
Real freedom.
But you have to:
Get through this part first.
And you will.
About 4Angles: Leaving a narcissist is brutal. Expect hoovering, smear campaigns, trauma bond withdrawal, and self-doubt. No contact is essential. It gets better, but it gets worse first.
Last updated: October 31, 2025