I thought it was love.
The obsessive thinking.
The constant anxiety.
The need to fix them.
The belief I couldn't live without them.
I called it:
"Deep connection."
My therapist called it:
"Trauma bonding."
What I Thought Was Happening
We had:
Something special.
The intensity:
Meant it was real.
The fact that:
I couldn't stop thinking about them:
Meant:
They were:
"The one."
What Was Actually Happening
My nervous system:
Was activated.
Constantly.
Fight or flight.
All the time.
Around someone:
Who was:
- Inconsistent
- Hot and cold
- Emotionally unavailable
- Triggering my abandonment wounds
I mistook:
Activation:
For attraction.
Anxiety:
For love.
The Signs It Was Trauma, Not Love
1. I Thought About Them Constantly
Not:
Happy thoughts.
Anxious ones:
"Why haven't they texted?" "Did I say something wrong?" "Are they losing interest?" "What can I do to keep them?"
I thought:
This meant I loved them.
Actually:
My nervous system:
Was in hypervigilance.
Scanning for danger.
2. The Highs Were REALLY High
When things were good:
Euphoric.
Perfect.
"This is it."
I thought:
"This is passion."
Actually:
It was relief:
From anxiety.
The high:
Was my nervous system:
Finally feeling safe.
Briefly.
3. The Lows Were Devastating
When they pulled away:
I felt:
Destroyed.
Like I'd die:
Without them.
I thought:
"That's how much I love them."
Actually:
It was:
Abandonment wound:
Getting triggered.
4. I Became Obsessed With "Fixing" It
Every problem:
I had to solve.
Every distance:
I had to close.
Every mood:
I had to manage.
I thought:
"I'm fighting for us."
Actually:
I was trying:
To control:
The unpredictability.
That my nervous system:
Couldn't handle.
5. I Felt Addicted
Couldn't stop:
- Checking my phone
- Analyzing their texts
- Seeking reassurance
- Needing contact
I thought:
"I'm in love."
Actually:
I was addicted:
To the cycle:
Anxiety → Relief → Anxiety → Relief
My brain:
Craving the dopamine hit:
Of intermittent reinforcement.
What My Therapist Said
Me: "I can't stop thinking about them. I must really love them."
Her: "Or your nervous system is activated because they're unpredictable."
Me: "But the connection feels so intense."
Her: "Intensity isn't the same as intimacy. What you're describing sounds like trauma bonding."
Me: "What's that?"
Her: "When your nervous system bonds to someone who creates cycles of stress and relief. Your brain mistakes the anxiety for attraction."
I cried.
Because:
She was right.
The Difference: Trauma Bond vs. Healthy Love
Trauma Bond:
Feels like:
- Obsession
- Constant anxiety
- Can't live without them
- Desperate for their validation
- Rollercoaster of emotions
- Addictive
You:
- Think about them constantly (anxiously)
- Need reassurance
- Feel activated around them
- Walk on eggshells
- Try to earn their love
Healthy Love:
Feels like:
- Peace
- Security
- Happiness to be with them, okay alone
- Mutual respect
- Stable and consistent
- Comfortable
You:
- Think about them fondly (calmly)
- Feel secure
- Feel relaxed around them
- Can be yourself
- Give and receive love naturally
How I Knew It Was Trauma
I asked myself:
"Do I feel calm around them?"
No.
"Do I feel safe?"
No.
"Can I be myself?"
No.
"Am I constantly anxious?"
Yes.
"Do I feel like I'm walking on eggshells?"
Yes.
"Do I feel addicted to them?"
Yes.
That's not love.
That's:
My trauma:
Recognizing:
Their trauma.
And thinking:
"This feels familiar."
The Familiar Feeling
They reminded me:
Of my childhood.
Inconsistent.
Emotionally unavailable.
Unpredictable.
My nervous system:
Recognized the pattern:
And thought:
"This is what love feels like."
Because:
That's what:
It felt like:
Growing up.
When I Met Healthy Love
It felt:
Wrong.
Too calm.
Too easy.
Too stable.
I wasn't:
Obsessed.
I thought:
"I must not love them."
My therapist:
"Or your nervous system is calm because they're safe. And you're not used to that."
She was right.
Again.
The Shift
I realized:
What I called "passion":
Was anxiety.
What I called "connection":
Was trauma bonding.
What I called "love":
Was my nervous system:
Being triggered.
Real love:
Felt different.
Calmer.
Safer.
More boring.
In the best way.
How I Healed
1. Recognized the Pattern
Every person:
I'd been "obsessed" with:
Was:
- Emotionally unavailable
- Inconsistent
- Hot and cold
- Reminded me of childhood
2. Understood My Trauma Response
My nervous system:
Bonded to:
Unpredictability.
Because:
That's what I knew.
3. Learned What Calm Feels Like
Healthy love:
Doesn't activate you.
It calms you.
4. Sat With the "Boredom"
The calm:
Felt boring.
Because:
I was addicted:
To chaos.
I had to:
Retrain my nervous system:
To recognize:
Calm as safe.
Not:
Boring.
One Year Later
I'm with someone:
Who doesn't activate me.
I don't:
- Obsess over their texts
- Analyze every interaction
- Feel anxious constantly
- Try to earn their love
- Walk on eggshells
I just:
Feel happy.
And safe.
My therapist:
"How do you feel around them?"
Me:
"Calm."
Her:
"That's love."
If You're "Obsessed" With Someone
Ask:
Is it love?
Or:
Is it:
- Anxiety?
- Trauma bonding?
- Your nervous system activated?
- Addiction to intermittent reinforcement?
- Your trauma recognizing theirs?
Real love:
Feels calm.
Not:
Chaotic.
If you're obsessed:
Anxious:
Activated:
That's not love.
That's:
Trauma.
And it's time:
To heal it.
About 4Angles: What feels like "intense love" might be trauma bonding—your nervous system mistaking anxiety for attraction. Real love is calm, not chaotic.
Last updated: November 2, 2025