My therapist asked me one question.
And I couldn't answer it.
"What do YOU want?"
Me: blank stare
Her: "In this situation. What do YOU actually want?"
Me: "I... I don't know."
Her: "Or you've never asked yourself?"
Silence.
Because she was right.
The Life I'd Been Living
For thirty-two years:
I asked:
"What does everyone else want?"
Then:
Did that.
I asked:
"What will make them happy?"
Then:
Provided it.
I asked:
"What will disappoint them least?"
Then:
Chose that.
Never once:
Asked myself:
"What do I want?"
The Moment It Hit Me
Therapist: "You're getting married in six months. Do you want to?"
Me: "Everyone's excited."
Her: "That's not what I asked."
Me: "The invites are sent."
Her: "Still not what I asked."
Me: "His family would be devastated."
Her: "Do. You. Want. To. Get. Married?"
Me: crying "I don't know."
Her: "Yes you do. You just don't want to admit it."
Me: sobbing "No. I don't want to marry him."
First time:
I'd said it out loud.
To myself.
Or anyone.
The Pattern She Showed Me
Her: "Let's look at your life. Job—do you like it?"
Me: "My parents wanted me to be in finance."
Her: "That's not what I asked."
Me: "I hate it."
Her: "Where do you live?"
Me: "My fiancé wanted to be close to his family."
Her: "Do YOU like it?"
Me: "No."
Her: "Who are your friends?"
Me: "Mostly his friends. Mine kind of... faded."
Her: "Because?"
Me: "I didn't have time for them. He didn't really like them."
Her: "What do you do for fun?"
Me: "We go to his family dinners. We do what he likes."
Her: "What do YOU like?"
Me: pauses "I... used to paint."
Her: "When's the last time?"
Me: "Three years ago."
Her: "So. You're working a job you hate, living somewhere you don't want to be, with friends you didn't choose, doing activities you don't enjoy, about to marry someone you don't want to marry. Where are YOU in your life?"
Me: sobbing "I'm not."
Why I Couldn't Answer "What Do You Want?"
Because:
For my entire life:
I'd been trained:
To prioritize:
Everyone else's wants over mine.
Parents:
"Don't be selfish. Think about others."
School:
"Be a team player."
Society:
"Good women are selfless."
I learned:
My wants:
Didn't matter.
Or worse:
Made me bad.
So I stopped:
Having them.
Or at least:
Acknowledging them.
The Question That Changed Everything
My therapist made me practice:
Every session:
She'd ask:
"What do you want?"
About everything:
"What do you want for dinner?"
"What do you want to do this weekend?"
"What do you want in a relationship?"
"What do you want from your career?"
"What do you want from your life?"
At first:
I couldn't answer.
I'd say:
- "I don't know."
- "Whatever everyone else wants."
- "It doesn't matter."
She'd say:
"It does matter. What do YOU want?"
And make me sit:
In the discomfort:
Of having wants.
What Happened When I Started Asking
1. I Realized How Disconnected I Was
From myself.
I didn't know:
- What I liked
- What I wanted
- What mattered to me
Because:
I'd never paid attention.
2. I Felt Selfish
Every time I identified a want:
Guilt.
"That's selfish."
"What about everyone else?"
"You're being difficult."
My therapist:
"Wanting things isn't selfish. It's human."
3. I Started Making Different Choices
Small ones:
Dinner: What I actually wanted. Not what he wanted.
Weekend: What I wanted to do. Not default to his plans.
Free time: Painting. Not family dinners.
Every choice:
Was practice:
In prioritizing myself.
4. People Got Uncomfortable
Fiancé: "You're being difficult lately."
Translation: "You're not pleasing me anymore."
Mom: "You're being selfish."
Translation: "You're not doing what I want."
Friend: "You've changed."
Translation: "You're not accommodating me."
Their discomfort:
Was information.
5. I Realized What I'd Been Sacrificing
Everything.
My:
- Dreams
- Preferences
- Needs
- Identity
- Happiness
For:
Their comfort.
The Breaking Point
Six weeks before the wedding:
Therapist: "Are you going through with it?"
Me: "I don't know."
Her: "What do you want?"
Me: "I want to cancel it."
Her: "So why don't you?"
Me: "I can't disappoint everyone."
Her: "What about disappointing yourself?"
That hit different.
Because:
I'd been disappointing myself:
My entire life.
And it finally felt:
Worse:
Than disappointing them.
What I Did
I called off the wedding.
People were:
- Angry
- Shocked
- Disappointed
- Judgmental
I felt:
Free.
For the first time:
I chose me.
The Aftermath
I:
- Quit my job
- Moved to a city I wanted to live in
- Started painting again
- Made new friends
- Built a life I wanted
People said:
"You're being selfish."
I said:
"Finally."
One Year Later
Someone asked:
"Do you regret calling off the wedding?"
Me: "Only that I didn't do it sooner."
Because:
For the first time:
I have a life:
I actually want to live.
The Question I Ask Now
Every decision:
Big or small:
I ask:
"What do I want?"
Not:
"What do they want?"
"What will make them happy?"
"What will disappoint them least?"
But:
"What do I want?"
And then:
I do that.
If You Can't Answer "What Do You Want?"
That's the problem.
Not that you don't have wants.
But that you've never:
Let yourself have them.
Start asking:
About everything:
"What do I want for dinner?"
"What do I want to watch?"
"What do I want to do?"
"What do I want from my life?"
At first:
You won't know.
That's okay.
Keep asking.
Eventually:
You'll hear the answer.
And when you do:
Listen to it.
That's how:
You stop people-pleasing.
And start:
Self-pleasing.
About 4Angles: "What do you want?" is the question that ends people-pleasing. Start asking it. Then start doing it.
Last updated: October 31, 2025