I thought they loved me.
All of me.
Then:
I changed something.
And their love:
Disappeared.
When I Realized
I cut my hair.
Short.
I loved it.
He said:
"I don't find you attractive anymore."
Just like that.
Because:
Of hair.
That's when:
I realized:
He didn't love me.
He loved:
The version of me:
That looked:
How he wanted.
The Other Conditions I Didn't See
I Had to Always Be Happy
Bad day?
Him:
"You're being really negative lately."
Translation:
"I only like you when you're performing happiness."
I Had to Agree With Him
Different opinion?
Him:
"Why are you being difficult?"
Translation:
"I only like you when you're compliant."
I Had to Look a Certain Way
Gained five pounds?
Him:
"Are you still going to the gym?"
Translation:
"I only find you attractive when you meet my standards."
I Had to Be Convenient
Had my own plans?
Him:
"I thought you cared about us."
Translation:
"I only like you when you're available 24/7."
I Had to Be Low-Maintenance
Had needs?
Him:
"You're being really high-maintenance."
Translation:
"I only like you when you don't need anything."
The Pattern
As long as I:
- Looked how he wanted
- Acted how he wanted
- Agreed with him
- Was available
- Was happy
- Was easy
He loved me.
The moment I:
- Changed my appearance
- Had my own opinion
- Had plans
- Was sad
- Had needs
His love:
Disappeared.
What I Thought Love Was
Accepting someone:
As they are.
Through:
- Changes
- Bad days
- Growth
- Moods
- Needs
- Opinions
Unconditionally.
What His "Love" Actually Was
Accepting me:
Only when:
I fit:
His ideal.
Conditionally.
The Conditions I Didn't Realize Existed
Until I Broke Them
And suddenly:
I was:
- "Being difficult"
- "Not myself"
- "Changed"
- "Too much"
- "Not enough"
For:
- Having an opinion
- Having a bad day
- Changing my hair
- Asking for support
- Being human
How I Knew It Was Conditional
He Compared Me to My "Old Self"
"You used to be so [fill in the blank]."
Translation:
"I liked the version of you that served me better."
His Affection Fluctuated Based on My Behavior
When I:
Fit the mold:
Affectionate.
When I:
Didn't:
Cold.
He Threatened to Leave
Whenever I:
Didn't comply.
"If you're going to be like this, I don't know if this will work."
Using his love:
As leverage:
To control me.
He Had a "Type" I Had to Maintain
Physically.
Emotionally.
Behaviorally.
Deviation:
From the type:
Meant:
Loss of interest.
The Breaking Point
Me: "I'm struggling with my mental health. I need support."
Him: "You're being really heavy lately. I need someone who's more positive."
Translation:
"I only love you when you're not a burden."
I realized:
His love:
Had a weight limit.
Emotional.
Not physical.
If I got:
Too heavy:
To carry:
He'd drop me.
What Unconditional Love Looks Like
Partner:
Loves you:
When you:
- Change your hair
- Gain/lose weight
- Have bad days
- Have different opinions
- Grow and evolve
- Have needs
- Are struggling
Not despite these things.
Through them.
The Person Who Showed Me the Difference
New partner.
I changed my hair:
Again.
Him:
"You look beautiful. But you always do."
Not:
Dependent on:
My appearance.
I had a bad month:
Him:
"I'm here. Whatever you need."
Not:
Withdrawn because:
I wasn't "positive."
I disagreed with him:
Him:
"I see your point. Let's talk about it."
Not:
Punished for:
Having my own thoughts.
That's when:
I learned:
What real love:
Feels like.
The Difference
Conditional Love:
- "I love you when you're [specific way]"
- Love as reward for behavior
- Affection fluctuates
- Threatens to leave
- Controls through love
- Demands you stay the same
Unconditional Love:
- "I love you as you are"
- Love is consistent
- Affection is steady
- Stays through hard times
- Gives love freely
- Supports your growth
If Their Love Feels Conditional
Ask:
Do they withdraw affection when you:
- Have a bad day?
- Change your appearance?
- Have your own opinion?
- Have needs?
- Grow/evolve?
Do they compare you to:
- Your past self?
- Their ex?
- Their ideal?
Do they threaten to leave when:
- You don't comply?
- You're "too much"?
- You're struggling?
If yes:
Their love:
Is conditional.
And you:
Will spend forever:
Trying to meet:
Moving conditions.
What I'd Tell Past Me
If their love:
Disappears:
When you:
Stop performing:
It wasn't love.
It was:
Appreciation:
For the role:
You played.
Real love:
Doesn't require:
You to be:
Perfect.
Compliant.
Unchanging.
Easy.
It loves:
All of you.
Not just:
The parts:
That are convenient.
About 4Angles: If their love disappears when you change, have a bad day, or have needs—it was never unconditional. Real love doesn't require you to stay the same.
Last updated: November 2, 2025