I'd spent years:
- Leaving toxic relationships
- Cutting off toxic friends
- Setting boundaries with toxic family
- Reading about toxic people
Then my therapist said:
"Have you considered that you might be exhibiting some toxic behaviors yourself?"
I was offended.
Defensive.
I was the VICTIM.
I was the one setting boundaries.
I was the one in therapy.
How dare she.
Then I went home and really thought about it.
And I realized:
She was right.
The Pattern I Couldn't See
I'd had a string of failed relationships.
My narrative:
"They were all narcissists. I just attract toxic people."
The common denominator:
Me.
That didn't mean I was the problem.
But it meant I needed to look at my part.
What I Saw When I Actually Looked
Behavior 1: The Scorekeeper
In relationships, I kept score.
"I did the dishes three times this week, you only did them once."
"I initiated sex last time, it's your turn."
"I texted first today, tomorrow you text first."
"I planned the last three dates."
Constant mental tally:
Of who did more.
My ex once said:
"I feel like I can never do enough. Like you're always keeping track."
I dismissed it:
"I just want things to be fair."
But fair doesn't mean equal.
And keeping score isn't love.
It's resentment with a spreadsheet.
Behavior 2: The Victim
Everything that went wrong:
Was done TO me.
Examples:
"He left me." (I pushed him away for months)
"She stopped caring." (I stopped being vulnerable)
"They all abandon me." (I sabotage relationships before they can leave first)
I never:
Looked at what I contributed.
Always:
The victim of other people's choices.
Never the participant in relationship dynamics.
Behavior 3: The Punisher
When I was upset:
I shut down.
Silent treatment.
Cold shoulder.
Passive aggressive comments.
Withholding affection.
My ex:
"When you're mad, you ice me out. I have no idea what I did wrong. You won't talk to me."
Me:
"If you cared, you'd know what you did."
I expected mind reading.
And punished when they couldn't.
Behavior 4: The Boundary Enforcer (Weaponized)
I learned about boundaries.
And used them as weapons.
Examples:
Partner: "Can we talk about what happened?"
Me: "I don't have the emotional bandwidth. Boundary."
Partner: "I'm hurt by what you said."
Me: "I'm not responsible for your emotions. Boundary."
Partner: "I need more affection."
Me: "That's your need to manage. Boundary."
I weaponized therapy language:
To avoid accountability.
Behavior 5: The Gaslighter
Partner: "You said we'd go to dinner tonight."
Me: "No I didn't."
Partner: "You texted me about it."
Me: "I don't remember that. You're misremembering."
Sometimes I genuinely didn't remember.
Sometimes I did and pretended I didn't.
Either way:
I made them doubt themselves.
Behavior 6: The Critic
I noticed everything they did wrong.
And nothing they did right.
Example:
They: does dishes, but leaves one pan in the sink
Me: "You didn't finish the dishes."
Them: "I did most of them."
Me: "If you're going to do it, do it right."
Constant criticism.
Couched as "helpful feedback."
They said:
"I feel like I can't do anything right."
I said:
"I just have high standards."
No.
I was just mean.
Behavior 7: The Emotional Vampire
I was always in crisis.
Always:
- Upset about something
- Processing something
- Needing support
- In a bad mental health day
My partner was my:
- Therapist
- Emotional support animal
- Crisis manager
- Caretaker
When they had a bad day:
"I can't handle this right now. I'm dealing with my own stuff."
One-way emotional support.
The Conversation That Changed Everything
My (now ex) partner sat me down:
Him:
"I love you. But I can't do this anymore."
Me: immediate defensiveness "What did I do?"
Him:
"It's not one thing. It's... I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm constantly worried about upsetting you. You keep score of everything I do. When I try to talk about problems, you shut down or turn it into how I've hurt you. I feel like I'm never enough. And when I say that, you tell me that's my issue to work on."
Me:
"So you're saying I'm the problem?"
Him:
"I'm saying this relationship is unhealthy. And I think we both contribute to that. But you won't look at your part."
Me:
"I'm in THERAPY. I'm WORKING on myself."
Him:
"But you're only working on how other people hurt you. Not how you hurt people."
And he left.
What I Did Next
I wanted to:
- Text him that he was wrong
- Tell my friends he was the toxic one
- Write him off as another narcissist
- Move on to someone who would "treat me better"
Instead:
I sat with it.
Because three relationships had ended similarly.
Because multiple people had said I was "hard to be with."
Because deep down, I knew.
He was right.
What I Brought to My Next Therapy Session
Me: "My ex said I don't look at my part. And he's right. So let's look at it."
Therapist: visible relief "Okay. Tell me about the relationship."
For the first time:
I didn't tell her what he did to me.
I told her what I did.
And it was ugly.
What Changed
I spent a year in therapy focusing on MY patterns:
1. Learning to Stop Scorekeeping
Old: Mental tally of who did more
New: Assuming good intentions and appreciating efforts
2. Taking Ownership
Old: "They left me."
New: "I pushed them away because I was scared of intimacy."
3. Communicating Instead of Punishing
Old: Silent treatment when upset
New: "I'm upset about [thing]. Can we talk?"
4. Using Boundaries Appropriately
Old: Weaponizing therapy language to avoid accountability
New: Setting real boundaries while remaining accountable
5. Honoring Truth
Old: Gaslighting when I didn't like what they said
New: "You're right, I did say that. I'm sorry."
6. Practicing Appreciation
Old: Focusing on what's wrong
New: Noticing and naming what's right
7. Being Reciprocal
Old: Only taking emotional support
New: Giving and receiving
Two Years Later
I'm in a healthy relationship now.
Not because I found the "right person."
Because I became a better partner.
I still catch myself:
- Keeping score
- Playing victim
- Shutting down
But now:
I notice.
I course-correct.
I apologize.
The Uncomfortable Truth
Most toxic people think they're the victims.
I did.
I genuinely believed:
- Everyone else was the problem
- I was just protecting myself
- My behaviors were justified
- I was the healthy one
I was wrong.
If You've Left Multiple "Toxic" Relationships
Ask yourself:
What's YOUR part?
Not because it's all your fault.
But because:
If every relationship fails the same way:
You're bringing something to the pattern.
Questions to ask:
- Do I keep score?
- Do I punish instead of communicate?
- Do I weaponize therapy language?
- Do I play victim?
- Do I take accountability?
- Do I criticize more than I appreciate?
- Am I reciprocal in emotional support?
If you answered yes to several:
You might have toxic patterns.
And that's okay.
Because you can change them.
The Difference Between Then and Now
Then:
"Everyone I date is toxic. I just attract the wrong people."
Now:
"I had toxic patterns I brought to relationships. I've worked on them."
Then:
Relationships ended with drama and me as victim.
Now:
If relationships end, I can identify my contribution.
Then:
I was defensive about feedback.
Now:
I listen when partners tell me I've hurt them.
Then:
I thought I was the healthy one.
Now:
I know I'm a work in progress.
And that's made all the difference.
About 4Angles: Sometimes the toxic person is you. Not because you're bad—but because you have patterns you haven't looked at. The good news? Patterns can change.
Last updated: October 31, 2025