Saturday night.
9pm.
He texted:
"Hey! What are you up to?"
I smiled.
"Finally, he's reaching out."
Then I realized:
It was Saturday night.
At 9pm.
And I was:
The backup plan.
The Pattern I Didn't See
He'd text:
Always:
- Late notice
- Weeknights
- Last minute
- "What are you doing NOW?"
Never:
- In advance
- Making plans
- For weekends
- "Want to do something Friday?"
I thought:
"He's spontaneous."
Actually:
I was the option:
When his first choice:
Fell through.
The Signs
1. Last-Minute Plans Only
Tuesday, 7pm:
"Want to grab food tonight?"
Thursday, 8pm:
"You free now?"
Sunday, 9pm:
"Come over?"
Never:
Friday, planning for Saturday.
Wednesday, making weekend plans.
Always:
Same day.
Last minute.
Because:
He was checking:
If his real plans:
Panned out first.
2. Weekend Plans? Vague
Me: "Want to do something this weekend?"
Him: "Maybe! I'll let you know."
Friday night:
Silence.
Saturday:
Silence.
Saturday, 10pm:
"Hey! Sorry, crazy busy day. What are you up to?"
Translation:
"My plans fell through. Are you free?"
3. He Kept His Options Open
Never committed:
To anything.
Always:
"Probably" "Maybe" "We'll see" "I'll let you know"
Never:
"Yes, let's do it" "I'll pick you up at 7" "Can't wait"
Because:
He was waiting:
For something better.
4. I Was Convenient
Close by?
He'd text.
Had free time?
He'd call.
Bored?
I'd hear from him.
But:
Effort to see me?
Make plans?
Prioritize me?
Never.
5. He'd Disappear, Then Resurface
Silence:
For days.
Then:
"Hey stranger! Miss you. Want to hang?"
When he was:
Free.
Bored.
Lonely.
Not:
When I was important.
The Night I Realized
Saturday.
9pm text.
Me: "I'm actually out with friends."
Him: "Oh, damn. Another time then."
No:
- "Have fun!"
- "Want to meet up after?"
- "Let's plan something for next week"
Just:
"Another time."
Because:
He'd moved on:
To the next option.
I looked:
At our text history.
Every single hangout:
Was initiated:
By him.
Last minute.
When he wanted.
Never:
By me.
In advance.
When I wanted.
Because:
When I'd try:
Me: "Want to do something Thursday?"
Him: "I'll see how my week goes."
Then:
Thursday, 10pm:
"You still up?"
I was the:
Convenience.
Not the priority.
The Conversation I Had With Myself
"But he does like me."
Does he? Or does he like having you available?
"He's just busy."
Too busy to make plans, but not too busy to text you at 10pm?
"Maybe I'm overthinking."
You're not. You're the backup plan.
The Test
I stopped:
Being available.
Last minute.
He texted:
"You around tonight?"
Me: "No, I have plans."
Him: "Oh. Cool."
Never:
Followed up.
To reschedule.
To make actual plans.
Just:
Moved on.
To the next:
Backup plan.
What Backup Plans Look Like
You're the backup plan if:
They Only Reach Out Last Minute
Same day.
Same hour.
"What are you doing NOW?"
Never:
Planning ahead.
They're Vague About Future Plans
"Maybe"
"We'll see"
"I'll let you know"
Never:
Committed.
They Disappear Then Reappear
Based on:
Their availability.
Not yours.
You're Always Accommodating Them
Their schedule.
Their location.
Their timing.
Never:
The other way around.
They Don't Make You a Priority
You fit:
Into their life.
They don't:
Make space for you.
What I Did
Next time he texted:
"Hey, you free tonight?"
I said:
"I need someone who makes plans in advance, not someone who texts me when they're bored. I think we want different things."
Him:
"Wow. That's harsh. I'm just a spontaneous person."
Me:
"And I'm not a backup plan."
Blocked.
The Person Who Changed Everything
Matched with someone new.
Monday:
Him: "Want to grab dinner Friday?"
FRIDAY.
Not "tonight."
We set:
A time.
A place.
Made plans.
Like adults.
Friday came:
He showed up.
On time.
Because:
I was:
The plan.
Not:
The backup.
The Difference
Backup Plan:
- Last-minute texts
- Vague commitments
- Disappears and reappears
- Fits you in when convenient
- Keeps options open
- You accommodate them
- No effort to prioritize you
Priority:
- Plans in advance
- Firm commitments
- Consistent communication
- Makes time for you
- Chooses you
- Mutual accommodation
- Shows up consistently
If You Think You're the Backup Plan
Look at the patterns:
Do they:
Make plans with you?
Or just hit you up last minute?
Commit to you?
Or keep everything vague?
Show up consistently?
Or disappear and reappear randomly?
Prioritize you?
Or fit you in when convenient?
If you're the backup:
You'll know.
Because:
You'll always feel:
Like an option.
Not a priority.
One Year Later
He texted:
"Hey! Been thinking about you. Want to catch up?"
10pm.
On a Tuesday.
Same pattern.
I didn't respond.
Because:
I'm someone's priority now.
Not:
Anyone's backup.
About 4Angles: If they only text you last-minute and never make real plans—you're the backup plan. You deserve to be someone's priority, not their convenience.
Last updated: November 2, 2025