Six months of silence.
Then:
Phone buzzes:
"Hey! How are you? I miss you! We should catch up soon ❤️"
I smiled.
Then:
Scrolled down.
To the real message:
"Actually, I'm dealing with something. Can I call you?"
There it was.
The Pattern I Finally Saw
Radio silence.
For weeks.
Sometimes months.
Then:
The text:
Always:
The same format:
The Pattern:
-
The warm-up
"Hey! How are you? Miss you!"
-
The transition
"Actually..."
-
The ask
"I need help with..."
Every.
Single.
Time.
What I Used to Do
Answer immediately.
"Of course! What's wrong?"
Then:
Spend hours:
- Listening
- Advising
- Supporting
- Helping
Until she felt better.
Then:
Silence.
Again.
Until she needed:
Something else.
The Moment I Noticed
I scrolled:
Through our texts.
Two years worth.
Her messages:
ALL:
Started the same way:
"Hey! How are you?"
Followed by:
"Can I ask you something?"
"I need advice..."
"Are you free to talk?"
Not one message:
Just to:
Check in.
Chat.
See how I was doing.
Every single text:
Had an agenda.
The Test
I tested it.
Next time:
She texted:
"Hey! How are you? We need to catch up!"
I responded:
"Hey! I'm good! How are YOU? What's new?"
Her:
"Good! Busy with work. Hey, can I ask you something?"
There it was.
Couldn't even:
Pretend to care:
About my life:
For one message.
What I Did Differently
I said:
"I'm actually swamped right now. What's up?"
Testing:
If she'd care:
That I was busy.
Her:
"Oh no worries! Just dealing with some work drama. Need to vent. Can you call later?"
No:
- "Oh I hope you're okay"
- "What's going on?"
- "Do you need help?"
Just:
Redirected:
Back to her need.
The Friendship Inventory
I thought:
About our friendship.
What She Knew About Me:
- My name
- Where I worked
- General life stuff
What She DIDN'T Know:
- My recent breakup
- My mom's health scare
- My promotion at work
- My new apartment
- Anything real
Because:
She never asked.
What I Knew About Her:
Everything.
- Every ex
- Every job problem
- Every family issue
- Every drama
- Every feeling
Because:
She told me.
Constantly.
One-sided.
Completely.
The Conversation I Finally Had
Next time:
She texted:
"Hey! Can we talk? I'm going through something."
I said:
"Hey. I've noticed we only talk when you need something. I don't think that's fair."
Her:
"What? That's not true. I'm just going through a lot right now."
Me:
"You've been 'going through a lot' for two years. And in that time, you've never once asked how I'm doing. Really asked."
Her:
"That's not fair. I care about you."
Me:
"When's the last time you texted just to check in? No crisis. No favor. Just to talk?"
Silence.
Then:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought we were better friends than this."
Translation:
"I'm upset you're calling me out."
The Types of Messages I Never Got
From her:
"Hey, just thinking of you!"
Never.
"How did that thing you mentioned go?"
Never.
"Saw this and thought of you"
Never.
"Just wanted to check in"
Never.
Only:
"I need..."
The Friend Who Showed Me the Difference
Around the same time:
Different friend:
Texted:
"Hey! Saw you posted about your new place. How's the move going?"
She:
- Remembered what I'd posted
- Asked how I was
- Didn't need anything
Just:
Cared.
That's when:
I realized:
The difference:
Between:
Real friendship:
And:
Emotional vampires.
What Changed
I stopped:
Being available:
For one-sided friendships.
When she texted:
"Hey! I need advice about something."
I said:
"I'm not available right now."
Her:
"Oh. Okay. Let me know when you are."
I never did.
She never:
Followed up:
To actually check on me.
Just:
Disappeared.
Until:
She needed something:
Again.
Six Months Later
She texted:
"Hey stranger! Long time no talk! How are you?"
I knew:
What was coming.
I responded:
"I'm good."
That's it.
Her:
"That's great! So I'm actually going through something and could use your perspective..."
Predictable.
I didn't respond.
The Signs They Only Text When They Need Something
Look at your messages:
Do they:
-
Disappear between needs? Months of silence, then sudden crisis
-
Start with small talk before the ask? "Hey how are you?" immediately followed by "So I need..."
-
Never ask about you? Every conversation is about them
-
Disappear after you help? Problem solved = conversation over
-
Only remember you exist when they have drama? Your name = their crisis helpline
That's not friendship.
That's using you.
What Real Friends Do
They text:
- Just to check in
- To share something funny
- To ask about YOUR life
- Because they thought of you
- For no reason at all
They know:
What's happening:
In your life.
Because:
They ask.
And listen.
And remember.
If You Have This Friend
Check your messages.
Are they:
All crisis-based?
Do they only:
Reach out:
When they need:
- Advice
- Support
- A favor
- Validation
- Someone to vent to
Never:
Just to be:
Your friend?
That's your answer.
You're not their friend.
You're their:
Free therapist.
And you're allowed:
To stop:
Being available for that.
About 4Angles: If someone only texts when they need something—never just to check in—you're not their friend. You're their emotional support system.
Last updated: November 2, 2025