The Friend Who Only Contacts You When They Need Something

The Pattern You Can't Unsee

You haven't heard from them in months.

Then your phone lights up:

"Hey! How are you?"

You think: Finally! They're reaching out.

You respond: "I'm good! How are you?"

Them: "Great! So actually, I need a favor..."

And there it is.

They don't want to catch up.

They need something:

Money
A ride
Help moving
Emotional labor
A connection
Free work

The second you say no or they get what they need:

Silence.

Until the next time they need something.

This is a transactional friendship.

And you deserve better.

What Is a Transactional Friendship?

Definition:

A relationship where one person primarily engages when they need something from the other.

Characteristics:

✅ They only contact you when they want something

✅ Disappear after getting what they need

✅ Show no genuine interest in your life

✅ Don't reciprocate support

✅ One-sided investment (you give, they take)

The difference from real friendship:

Real friendship:

Mutual investment
Contact even when nothing is needed
Reciprocal support
Genuine interest in each other's lives

Transactional friendship:

One-sided extraction
Contact only when beneficial to them
No reciprocation
Performative interest (to get what they want)

The Telltale Signs

Sign 1: You Can Predict When They'll Contact You

The pattern:

You know they'll reach out when:

Rent is due (need money)
They need a ride
They're having relationship drama (need emotional support)
They need connections for a job
Moving day is coming

You can SET YOUR WATCH by their needs.

Why this matters:

If you can predict their contact based on their needs, it's not friendship—it's utility.

Sign 2: Conversations Start with "How Are You?" But End with Requests

The script:

Them: "Hey! Long time! How have you been?"

You: "I'm good! Got a new job actually—"

Them: "Oh that's awesome! So actually, I wanted to ask you something..."

Why this stings:

The "how are you?" is a transaction fee.

They're not interested in the answer. They're performing interest to soften the ask.

Sign 3: When YOU Need Something, They're Unavailable

The test:

You reach out:

"Hey, going through a rough time. Could use some support."

Them:

Read receipt, no response
"Oh man, I'm so swamped right now"
"That sucks. Anyway, I gotta run"
Brief response, then disappears

But when THEY need you:

"Can you talk? I really need advice."

And you're expected to drop everything.

Sign 4: They Ghost After Getting What They Need

The cycle:

Phase 1: The Need

They contact you. They need help. You help.

Phase 2: The Thank You

"You're the best! I owe you!"

Phase 3: The Disappearance

Silence. For weeks or months.

Phase 4: Repeat

Next time they need something, they're back.

Sign 5: They Don't Remember Details About Your Life

The conversation:

You: "Remember I told you my mom was having surgery?"

Them: "Oh... yeah... how'd that go?"

(They don't remember at all)

But YOU remember:

Their breakup
Their job situation
Their family drama
Everything they've told you

Because you were actually listening.

Sign 6: No Contact on Your Important Days

Your birthday: Silence.

Your graduation: Nothing.

Your promotion: Radio silence.

Major life event: They don't even know it happened.

But on THEIR birthday / graduation / event:

They expect you to show up, celebrate, support.

Sign 7: They Downplay What They're Asking For

When they need something big:

"Could you help me move? It's just a few boxes."

(It's an entire apartment)

"Can I borrow $50? I'll pay you back Friday."

(Never pays you back)

"Can I stay with you for a few days?"

(Three weeks later, still there)

Why they do this:

Minimizing makes it harder to say no.

Sign 8: They Use Guilt When You Set Boundaries

You finally say no:

"I can't help you move this time. I have other commitments."

Them:

"Wow, okay. I was there for you when..."
"I guess I know who my real friends are."
"Some friend you are."
"I would never do this to you."

Translation:

"How dare you have boundaries. You're supposed to be my resource."

Sign 9: They Only Offer Help When It's Convenient

Rare occasions they "help":

It's something:

Easy for them
They were already doing
Benefits them too

Example:

"I can give you a ride! I'm going that way anyway."

But when you need them to go out of their way:

Crickets.

Sign 10: You Feel Used

Trust your gut.

After interactions, you feel:

Drained
Taken advantage of
Like an ATM
Like a therapist (unpaid)
Like a service provider, not a friend

That feeling is data.

The Types of Things They "Need"

Financial Asks:

"Can I borrow money?"
"Can you pay for dinner? I'll get you next time." (never gets you next time)
"Can you cover my rent?"
"Can you buy this for me?"

Time/Labor Asks:

"Can you help me move?"
"Can you watch my kids?"
"Can you help me with this project?"
"Can you give me a ride?"

Emotional Labor Asks:

"I need to vent."
"Can I talk to you about my relationship?"
"I'm going through something."

Then when YOU need emotional support: unavailable.

Network/Connection Asks:

"Can you introduce me to [your contact]?"
"Can you put in a good word for me?"
"Can you help me get a job at your company?"

Expertise Asks:

"Can you do [your professional skill] for free?"
"Can you look at this for me?" (Your area of expertise they'd normally pay for)

Why People Become Transactional Friends

Reason 1: They're Users by Nature

Some people are fundamentally selfish.

They view relationships as transactional:

What can this person do for me?
How can I benefit from knowing them?

They genuinely don't care about mutuality.

Reason 2: They're in Constant Crisis

Some people live in chaos.

Every week:

New emergency
New disaster
New need

They're so consumed by their own problems, they don't have bandwidth to care about yours.

Reason 3: You've Enabled the Pattern

Harsh truth:

If you always say yes, you've taught them:

You're available on demand
You won't enforce boundaries
They don't have to reciprocate

They take what you give.

Reason 4: They Don't See You as a Full Person

You're a role in their life:

The Friend Who Helps Me Move
The Friend Who Lends Money
The Friend Who Listens to Me Vent

Not a full human with your own needs.

How to Test If the Friendship Is Transactional

Test 1: Stop Initiating Contact

See how long it takes them to reach out.

If weeks/months pass with no contact:

They're only around when they need something.

Test 2: Say No to a Request

When they ask for help:

"I can't this time."

How do they respond?

Healthy friend:

"No worries! Totally understand. Let me know if you ever need anything."

Transactional friend:

Gets upset
Guilts you
Stops talking to you
Becomes cold

Test 3: Ask THEM for Help

Next time they reach out for something:

"Actually, I need help with [X]. Can you help me with that?"

Healthy friend: Will try to help.

Transactional friend: Suddenly unavailable.

Test 4: Talk About Yourself First

When they reach out:

Instead of immediately asking about them, share first:

"Oh hey! I'm actually dealing with [situation]. It's been really hard."

Healthy friend: Engages, asks questions, supports.

Transactional friend:

Brief acknowledgment
Immediately pivots to their need

How to Address It

Option 1: Direct Conversation

"I've noticed a pattern. You mostly reach out when you need something, but you're not available when I need support. This feels one-sided. I need that to change."

Their reaction will tell you everything:

If they're willing to change: Maybe the friendship is salvageable.

If they get defensive or deny: The friendship isn't real.

Option 2: Set Boundaries

Start saying no:

"I can't help with that."

No explanation needed.

Watch what happens:

Do they:

Respect it and maintain the friendship?
Guilt trip you?
Disappear?

If they disappear after you set ONE boundary:

You have your answer. You were only valuable as a resource.

Option 3: Slow Fade

Stop being available:

Don't respond immediately
Say you're busy
Stop offering help
Let the friendship naturally die

If it dies from lack of your labor:

It was never real.

Option 4: End It Directly

"I don't think this friendship is working for me anymore. I feel like I'm giving a lot and not receiving support back. I need to step back."

When to use:

When you're done and want closure.

How to Protect Yourself Going Forward

Boundary 1: Notice Early Patterns

In new friendships, watch for:

🚩 Early asks for favors

🚩 Minimal reciprocation

🚩 They don't share about themselves (but want you to give)

If you see the pattern early, disengage before you're invested.

Boundary 2: Practice Saying No

You don't need a reason:

"I can't help with that."

Full sentence.

Boundary 3: Evaluate Reciprocity

Ask yourself:

Do they support me when I need it?
Do they reach out even when they don't need anything?
Do they remember details about my life?
Is this mutual?

If no to most of these:

Pull back.

Boundary 4: Don't Mistake Friendliness for Friendship

Someone can be:

Nice
Charming
Fun to hang out with

But still be using you.

Judge friendships by actions over time, not personality.

Real Example: Recognizing and Ending It

The Situation:

"Friends" for 3 years
She only texted when she needed something
Borrowed money repeatedly, never paid back
When I needed support, she was "too busy"
Never initiated hangouts unless she needed a favor

The Turning Point:

I said no to helping her move.

Her response:

"Wow. I guess I know who my real friends are. I've always been there for you."

(She hadn't been.)

My realization:

She wasn't upset about losing my friendship.

She was upset about losing my utility.

The ending:

I stopped responding. She reached out a month later asking for money.

I didn't reply.

Outcome:

Never heard from her again.

Proof it was transactional: The second I stopped being useful, I stopped existing to her.

The Bottom Line

Transactional friendships:

Only contact you when they need something
Disappear after getting what they need
Don't reciprocate support
Don't genuinely care about your life
Make you feel used

Signs include:

Predictable contact (based on their needs)
Fake interest leading to requests
Unavailable when YOU need help
Ghosting after being helped
Don't remember your life details
Downplay what they're asking
Guilt you when you say no

How to handle:

Test the friendship (stop initiating, say no, ask for help)
Set boundaries
Address directly or fade
End it if they don't change

Remember:

You're not an ATM.

You're not free labor.

You're not a therapist on call.

You're a person who deserves mutual, reciprocal friendship.

If someone only shows up when they need something:

They're not your friend.

They're your user.

And you deserve better.

About 4Angles: We help you identify one-sided relationship patterns so you can protect your time, energy, and resources. Because recognizing when you're being used is the first step to demanding better. Built for people tired of being everyone's fallback option.

Last updated: October 31, 2025

The Pattern You Can't Unsee

You haven't heard from them in months.

Then your phone lights up:

"Hey! How are you?"

You think: Finally! They're reaching out.

You respond: "I'm good! How are you?"

Them: "Great! So actually, I need a favor..."

And there it is.

They don't want to catch up.

They need something:

Money
A ride
Help moving
Emotional labor
A connection
Free work

The second you say no or they get what they need:

Silence.

Until the next time they need something.

This is a transactional friendship.

And you deserve better.

What Is a Transactional Friendship?

Definition:

A relationship where one person primarily engages when they need something from the other.

Characteristics:

✅ They only contact you when they want something

✅ Disappear after getting what they need

✅ Show no genuine interest in your life

✅ Don't reciprocate support

✅ One-sided investment (you give, they take)

The difference from real friendship:

Real friendship:

Mutual investment
Contact even when nothing is needed
Reciprocal support
Genuine interest in each other's lives

Transactional friendship:

One-sided extraction
Contact only when beneficial to them
No reciprocation
Performative interest (to get what they want)

The Telltale Signs

Sign 1: You Can Predict When They'll Contact You

The pattern:

You know they'll reach out when:

Rent is due (need money)
They need a ride
They're having relationship drama (need emotional support)
They need connections for a job
Moving day is coming

You can SET YOUR WATCH by their needs.

Why this matters:

If you can predict their contact based on their needs, it's not friendship—it's utility.

Sign 2: Conversations Start with "How Are You?" But End with Requests

The script:

Them: "Hey! Long time! How have you been?"

You: "I'm good! Got a new job actually—"

Them: "Oh that's awesome! So actually, I wanted to ask you something..."

Why this stings:

The "how are you?" is a transaction fee.

They're not interested in the answer. They're performing interest to soften the ask.

Sign 3: When YOU Need Something, They're Unavailable

The test:

You reach out:

"Hey, going through a rough time. Could use some support."

Them:

Read receipt, no response
"Oh man, I'm so swamped right now"
"That sucks. Anyway, I gotta run"
Brief response, then disappears

But when THEY need you:

"Can you talk? I really need advice."

And you're expected to drop everything.

Sign 4: They Ghost After Getting What They Need

The cycle:

Phase 1: The Need

They contact you. They need help. You help.

Phase 2: The Thank You

"You're the best! I owe you!"

Phase 3: The Disappearance

Silence. For weeks or months.

Phase 4: Repeat

Next time they need something, they're back.

Sign 5: They Don't Remember Details About Your Life

The conversation:

You: "Remember I told you my mom was having surgery?"

Them: "Oh... yeah... how'd that go?"

(They don't remember at all)

But YOU remember:

Their breakup
Their job situation
Their family drama
Everything they've told you

Because you were actually listening.

Sign 6: No Contact on Your Important Days

Your birthday: Silence.

Your graduation: Nothing.

Your promotion: Radio silence.

Major life event: They don't even know it happened.

But on THEIR birthday / graduation / event:

They expect you to show up, celebrate, support.

Sign 7: They Downplay What They're Asking For

When they need something big:

"Could you help me move? It's just a few boxes."

(It's an entire apartment)

"Can I borrow $50? I'll pay you back Friday."

(Never pays you back)

"Can I stay with you for a few days?"

(Three weeks later, still there)

Why they do this:

Minimizing makes it harder to say no.

Sign 8: They Use Guilt When You Set Boundaries

You finally say no:

"I can't help you move this time. I have other commitments."

Them:

"Wow, okay. I was there for you when..."
"I guess I know who my real friends are."
"Some friend you are."
"I would never do this to you."

Translation:

"How dare you have boundaries. You're supposed to be my resource."

Sign 9: They Only Offer Help When It's Convenient

Rare occasions they "help":

It's something:

Easy for them
They were already doing
Benefits them too

Example:

"I can give you a ride! I'm going that way anyway."

But when you need them to go out of their way:

Crickets.

Sign 10: You Feel Used

Trust your gut.

After interactions, you feel:

Drained
Taken advantage of
Like an ATM
Like a therapist (unpaid)
Like a service provider, not a friend

That feeling is data.

The Types of Things They "Need"

Financial Asks:

"Can I borrow money?"
"Can you pay for dinner? I'll get you next time." (never gets you next time)
"Can you cover my rent?"
"Can you buy this for me?"

Time/Labor Asks:

"Can you help me move?"
"Can you watch my kids?"
"Can you help me with this project?"
"Can you give me a ride?"

Emotional Labor Asks:

"I need to vent."
"Can I talk to you about my relationship?"
"I'm going through something."

Then when YOU need emotional support: unavailable.

Network/Connection Asks:

"Can you introduce me to [your contact]?"
"Can you put in a good word for me?"
"Can you help me get a job at your company?"

Expertise Asks:

"Can you do [your professional skill] for free?"
"Can you look at this for me?" (Your area of expertise they'd normally pay for)

Why People Become Transactional Friends

Reason 1: They're Users by Nature

Some people are fundamentally selfish.

They view relationships as transactional:

What can this person do for me?
How can I benefit from knowing them?

They genuinely don't care about mutuality.

Reason 2: They're in Constant Crisis

Some people live in chaos.

Every week:

New emergency
New disaster
New need

They're so consumed by their own problems, they don't have bandwidth to care about yours.

Reason 3: You've Enabled the Pattern

Harsh truth:

If you always say yes, you've taught them:

You're available on demand
You won't enforce boundaries
They don't have to reciprocate

They take what you give.

Reason 4: They Don't See You as a Full Person

You're a role in their life:

The Friend Who Helps Me Move
The Friend Who Lends Money
The Friend Who Listens to Me Vent

Not a full human with your own needs.

How to Test If the Friendship Is Transactional

Test 1: Stop Initiating Contact

See how long it takes them to reach out.

If weeks/months pass with no contact:

They're only around when they need something.

Test 2: Say No to a Request

When they ask for help:

"I can't this time."

How do they respond?

Healthy friend:

"No worries! Totally understand. Let me know if you ever need anything."

Transactional friend:

Gets upset
Guilts you
Stops talking to you
Becomes cold

Test 3: Ask THEM for Help

Next time they reach out for something:

"Actually, I need help with [X]. Can you help me with that?"

Healthy friend: Will try to help.

Transactional friend: Suddenly unavailable.

Test 4: Talk About Yourself First

When they reach out:

Instead of immediately asking about them, share first:

"Oh hey! I'm actually dealing with [situation]. It's been really hard."

Healthy friend: Engages, asks questions, supports.

Transactional friend:

Brief acknowledgment
Immediately pivots to their need

How to Address It

Option 1: Direct Conversation

"I've noticed a pattern. You mostly reach out when you need something, but you're not available when I need support. This feels one-sided. I need that to change."

Their reaction will tell you everything:

If they're willing to change: Maybe the friendship is salvageable.

If they get defensive or deny: The friendship isn't real.

Option 2: Set Boundaries

Start saying no:

"I can't help with that."

No explanation needed.

Watch what happens:

Do they:

Respect it and maintain the friendship?
Guilt trip you?
Disappear?

If they disappear after you set ONE boundary:

You have your answer. You were only valuable as a resource.

Option 3: Slow Fade

Stop being available:

Don't respond immediately
Say you're busy
Stop offering help
Let the friendship naturally die

If it dies from lack of your labor:

It was never real.

Option 4: End It Directly

"I don't think this friendship is working for me anymore. I feel like I'm giving a lot and not receiving support back. I need to step back."

When to use:

When you're done and want closure.

How to Protect Yourself Going Forward

Boundary 1: Notice Early Patterns

In new friendships, watch for:

🚩 Early asks for favors

🚩 Minimal reciprocation

🚩 They don't share about themselves (but want you to give)

If you see the pattern early, disengage before you're invested.

Boundary 2: Practice Saying No

You don't need a reason:

"I can't help with that."

Full sentence.

Boundary 3: Evaluate Reciprocity

Ask yourself:

Do they support me when I need it?
Do they reach out even when they don't need anything?
Do they remember details about my life?
Is this mutual?

If no to most of these:

Pull back.

Boundary 4: Don't Mistake Friendliness for Friendship

Someone can be:

Nice
Charming
Fun to hang out with

But still be using you.

Judge friendships by actions over time, not personality.

Real Example: Recognizing and Ending It

The Situation:

"Friends" for 3 years
She only texted when she needed something
Borrowed money repeatedly, never paid back
When I needed support, she was "too busy"
Never initiated hangouts unless she needed a favor

The Turning Point:

I said no to helping her move.

Her response:

"Wow. I guess I know who my real friends are. I've always been there for you."

(She hadn't been.)

My realization:

She wasn't upset about losing my friendship.

She was upset about losing my utility.

The ending:

I stopped responding. She reached out a month later asking for money.

I didn't reply.

Outcome:

Never heard from her again.

Proof it was transactional: The second I stopped being useful, I stopped existing to her.

The Bottom Line

Transactional friendships:

Only contact you when they need something
Disappear after getting what they need
Don't reciprocate support
Don't genuinely care about your life
Make you feel used

Signs include:

Predictable contact (based on their needs)
Fake interest leading to requests
Unavailable when YOU need help
Ghosting after being helped
Don't remember your life details
Downplay what they're asking
Guilt you when you say no

How to handle:

Test the friendship (stop initiating, say no, ask for help)
Set boundaries
Address directly or fade
End it if they don't change

Remember:

You're not an ATM.

You're not free labor.

You're not a therapist on call.

You're a person who deserves mutual, reciprocal friendship.

If someone only shows up when they need something:

They're not your friend.

They're your user.

And you deserve better.

Last updated: October 31, 2025

The Friend Who Only Contacts You When They Need Something

The Pattern You Can't Unsee

What Is a Transactional Friendship?

The Telltale Signs

Sign 1: You Can Predict When They'll Contact You

Sign 2: Conversations Start with "How Are You?" But End with Requests

Sign 3: When YOU Need Something, They're Unavailable

Sign 4: They Ghost After Getting What They Need

Sign 5: They Don't Remember Details About Your Life

Sign 6: No Contact on Your Important Days

Sign 7: They Downplay What They're Asking For

Sign 8: They Use Guilt When You Set Boundaries

Sign 9: They Only Offer Help When It's Convenient

Sign 10: You Feel Used

The Types of Things They "Need"

Financial Asks:

Time/Labor Asks:

Emotional Labor Asks:

Network/Connection Asks:

Expertise Asks:

Why People Become Transactional Friends

Reason 1: They're Users by Nature

Reason 2: They're in Constant Crisis

Reason 3: You've Enabled the Pattern

Reason 4: They Don't See You as a Full Person

How to Test If the Friendship Is Transactional

Test 1: Stop Initiating Contact

Test 2: Say No to a Request

Test 3: Ask THEM for Help

Test 4: Talk About Yourself First

How to Address It

Option 1: Direct Conversation

Option 2: Set Boundaries

Option 3: Slow Fade

Option 4: End It Directly

How to Protect Yourself Going Forward

Boundary 1: Notice Early Patterns

Boundary 2: Practice Saying No

Boundary 3: Evaluate Reciprocity

Boundary 4: Don't Mistake Friendliness for Friendship

Real Example: Recognizing and Ending It

The Bottom Line

Ready to Analyze Your Message?

The Friend Who Only Contacts You When They Need Something

The Pattern You Can't Unsee

What Is a Transactional Friendship?

The Telltale Signs

Sign 1: You Can Predict When They'll Contact You

Sign 2: Conversations Start with "How Are You?" But End with Requests

Sign 3: When YOU Need Something, They're Unavailable

Sign 4: They Ghost After Getting What They Need

Sign 5: They Don't Remember Details About Your Life

Sign 6: No Contact on Your Important Days

Sign 7: They Downplay What They're Asking For

Sign 8: They Use Guilt When You Set Boundaries

Sign 9: They Only Offer Help When It's Convenient

Sign 10: You Feel Used

The Types of Things They "Need"

Financial Asks:

Time/Labor Asks:

Emotional Labor Asks:

Network/Connection Asks:

Expertise Asks:

Why People Become Transactional Friends

Reason 1: They're Users by Nature

Reason 2: They're in Constant Crisis

Reason 3: You've Enabled the Pattern

Reason 4: They Don't See You as a Full Person

How to Test If the Friendship Is Transactional

Test 1: Stop Initiating Contact

Test 2: Say No to a Request

Test 3: Ask THEM for Help

Test 4: Talk About Yourself First

How to Address It

Option 1: Direct Conversation

Option 2: Set Boundaries

Option 3: Slow Fade

Option 4: End It Directly

How to Protect Yourself Going Forward

Boundary 1: Notice Early Patterns