The Conversation That Never Happens
You call your friend with news.
Good news. Bad news. Doesn't matter.
The pattern is always the same:
"I just got engaged!"
You expect: Excitement, celebration, questions about how it happened.
What you get:
"OMG congrats! That reminds me, MY wedding was so stressful. Let me tell you about what happened with my venue..."
Twenty minutes later, you're still hearing about their wedding.
Your engagement hasn't been discussed.
Or:
"I'm really struggling. My mom was just diagnosed with cancer."
You expect: Comfort, support, empathy.
What you get:
"Oh no, that's terrible. I know exactly how you feel. When MY aunt had cancer, it was so hard on ME. I was devastated..."
Your pain becomes the backdrop for their story.
Every conversation follows this script:
- You share something
- They say "that reminds me..."
- The conversation becomes about them
- Your experience is never explored
- You hang up feeling unheard
This is not friendship.
This is a one-person show where you're the audience.
What Is a Self-Centered Friend?
Definition:
A friend who consistently redirects conversations, experiences, and emotional energy toward themselves, unable or unwilling to hold space for others' experiences without making it about their own feelings, stories, or needs.
Healthy friendship:
- Reciprocal sharing
- Both people get airtime
- Genuine curiosity about each other
- Space for each person's experiences
Self-centered friendship:
- Conversational hijacking
- Everything connects back to them
- Little genuine interest in you
- Your experiences are jumping-off points for their stories
The Signs Your Friend Is Self-Centered
Sign 1: They Can't Let You Have a Moment
The pattern:
You: "I got promoted!"
Them: "That's great! I actually just got promoted too. My boss said I was the best employee they've ever had..."
You: "I'm going through a breakup."
Them: "Ugh, breakups are the worst. When I went through MY breakup..."
Your moment lasts exactly 5 seconds before it becomes theirs.
Sign 2: "That Reminds Me..." Is Their Favorite Phrase
Watch for this pattern:
You share literally anything.
Their response:
"Oh that reminds me..."
Then they launch into their story.
They use your experiences as prompts for their monologues.
Sign 3: They Never Ask Follow-Up Questions
The difference:
Normal friend:
You: "I went to the doctor today." Them: "How did it go? What did they say? Are you okay?"
Self-centered friend:
You: "I went to the doctor today." Them: "Doctors are the worst. I had to wait TWO HOURS at my appointment last week..."
Notice:
No questions about YOU.
Immediate pivot to THEM.
Sign 4: They Compete for "Worst Experience"
You: "I had such a bad day. My car broke down."
Them: "At least you have a car. MY car broke down AND I lost my job in the same week."
It's not empathy.
It's one-upmanship.
Your suffering must be smaller than theirs.
Sign 5: When You Try to Talk, They Interrupt
You start sharing.
Mid-sentence:
They cut you off:
"OH MY GOD that happened to me too! Let me tell you..."
Then they talk for 20 minutes.
You never finish your story.
Sign 6: They Dominate Group Conversations
In group settings:
- They're always the loudest voice
- Every topic leads back to their experiences
- Others struggle to get a word in
- They don't notice (or care) that they're monopolizing
The group tolerates it, but everyone's exhausted.
Sign 7: Your Big News Gets Minimal Response
You: "I'm pregnant!"
Them: "Congrats! Are you finding out the gender? I want to have kids eventually but not yet because..."
Ten minutes about their hypothetical future kids.
Your actual pregnancy is barely acknowledged.
Sign 8: They Make Your Experiences About Their Feelings
You: "I'm moving across the country for a job."
Healthy friend: "Wow! How do you feel about it? That's a big change!"
Self-centered friend: "What? You're leaving? How could you do this to me? I'm going to be so lonely without you..."
Your life change becomes about their abandonment.
Sign 9: Everything Connects Back to Them
The mental gymnastics:
You: "I love this restaurant."
Them: "Oh I love Italian food. I went to Italy last year and..."
You: "My dog is sick."
Them: "Ugh I hate when pets get sick. When my cat was sick, I was SO stressed..."
There is no topic they can't make about themselves.
Sign 10: They Don't Remember What You Tell Them
Last week, you told them something important.
This week, they have no memory of it.
Why?
They weren't listening.
They were waiting for their turn to talk.
Why People Become Self-Centered
Reason 1: Narcissism
True narcissistic personality:
- Lack of empathy
- Grandiose sense of self
- Need for admiration
- Everything filtered through "how does this affect ME?"
They genuinely can't see outside themselves.
Reason 2: Insecurity
Paradoxically:
Some self-centered people are deeply insecure.
They monopolize conversations because:
- They fear being overlooked
- They need constant validation
- Silence feels threatening
- They equate talking with mattering
Reason 3: Poor Modeling
They never learned:
- How to listen actively
- How to hold space
- That conversation is reciprocal
- That other people's experiences are valuable
No one taught them conversational empathy.
Reason 4: Anxiety
Some people talk compulsively when anxious.
They fill silence with their own stories because:
- It's comfortable
- It reduces anxiety
- It gives them control
Not malicious—but still exhausting.
Reason 5: They Genuinely Think They're Being Relatable
They believe:
"Sharing my similar experience shows I understand!"
They don't realize:
Relating TO someone ≠ Making it about yourself
The Different Types of Self-Centered Friends
Type 1: The Conversation Hijacker
Every conversation becomes theirs within 2 minutes.
No awareness of how much space they take up.
Type 2: The One-Upper
Everything you've experienced, they've experienced worse/better/more dramatically.
Your stories are competitions they must win.
Type 3: The Advice-Giver (Unsolicited)
You share a problem.
They immediately:
"You know what YOU should do? When I had that problem, I did..."
You didn't ask for advice.
They made your problem about their solution.
Type 4: The Storyteller
Every tiny thing you mention triggers a 30-minute story.
They're entertaining, but exhausting.
And you never get to share.
Type 5: The "Me Too" Friend
Everything you experience, they've experienced.
Every feeling you have, they've felt.
They think they're bonding.
You feel erased.
How to Handle a Self-Centered Friend
Strategy 1: Interrupt and Redirect
When they hijack:
"Hold on—I actually want to finish telling you about what happened to me. Can I do that?"
Firm but not aggressive.
Reclaim your space.
Strategy 2: Name the Pattern
"I've noticed that when I share things, you often redirect to your own experiences. I need you to just listen sometimes without making it about you."
Their response will tell you everything:
Receptive:
"Oh god, I do that, don't I? I'm sorry. I'll work on it."
Defensive:
"I'm just trying to relate! You're being dramatic."
Strategy 3: Use the "Acknowledgment Test"
Before they launch into their story:
"Can you first tell me what you heard me say?"
Forces them to actually listen.
If they can't summarize what you shared:
They weren't listening.
Strategy 4: Stop Sharing Important Things
If they can't hold space:
Stop giving them important moments.
Share:
- Surface-level updates
- Things you don't care deeply about
Don't share:
- Vulnerable feelings
- Big news
- Things you need support around
Save those for friends who can actually listen.
Strategy 5: Set Time Limits
"I have 15 minutes to talk. I really need to tell you about something."
Creates structure.
Prevents the conversation from becoming a hostage situation.
Strategy 6: Physically Redirect
When they interrupt or pivot:
Use your hand (if in person) or your words:
"Wait, I'm not done yet."
Friendly but firm.
Strategy 7: Evaluate If the Friendship Is Worth It
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel heard in this friendship?
- Does this person actually know me?
- Am I energized or drained after we talk?
- Is this friendship reciprocal?
If the answer to most of these is no:
Consider downgrading or ending the friendship.
What NOT to Do
Don't:
❌ Try to out-talk them
You'll both end up yelling over each other.
Not a solution.
❌ Stop sharing completely without addressing it
Just creates resentment.
If you care about the friendship, try to fix it first.
❌ Enable the behavior by always listening
You teach people how to treat you.
If you always let them monopolize, they'll keep doing it.
❌ Assume they're doing it on purpose
Some people genuinely don't realize.
Give them a chance to change.
How to Be a Better Listener Yourself
If you recognize yourself in this article:
Step 1: Practice the "3-Question Rule"
Before sharing your own story:
Ask 3 questions about theirs.
- "How did that make you feel?"
- "What happened next?"
- "What are you going to do?"
Only after they've fully shared:
Then relate if relevant.
Step 2: Notice Your "That Reminds Me" Reflex
When you feel the urge to say it:
Pause.
Ask yourself:
"Have I fully heard what they shared? Or am I just waiting to talk?"
Step 3: Validate Before Relating
Instead of:
"That happened to me too! When I..."
Try:
"That sounds really hard. How are you feeling about it?"
Acknowledge their experience FIRST.
Then, if they ask or if it's truly relevant, share yours.
Step 4: Check Your Airtime
After conversations:
Reflect:
"How much did I talk vs. them?"
Aim for 50/50.
If you talked 80%, you dominated.
Step 5: Get Comfortable with Silence
You don't need to fill every pause.
Silence gives them space to continue.
Real Example: Setting a Boundary
The Situation:
- Friends for 3 years
- Every conversation turned into her monologue
- I felt like her therapist, not her friend
- She never asked about my life
The conversation:
Me: "Can I talk to you about something? I've been feeling like our conversations are one-sided. When I share things, you often redirect to your own experiences without really hearing me. I need you to listen more."
Her: "What? I'm just trying to relate! That's what friends do."
Me: "Relating is great, but I need you to ask me questions and hold space for what I'm going through before making it about your experiences."
Her: "I never realized I was doing that. I'm sorry. Can you tell me when I do it?"
The outcome:
She genuinely didn't know.
I started pointing it out gently:
"Hey, I wasn't done sharing yet."
She got better.
Not perfect, but better.
The friendship improved because she was willing to change.
The Bottom Line
Self-centered friends:
- Hijack every conversation
- Use "that reminds me" as their signature phrase
- Never ask follow-up questions
- Compete for worst experiences
- Interrupt constantly
- Make your big moments about them
- Don't remember what you tell them
Why they do it:
- Narcissism
- Insecurity
- Poor modeling
- Anxiety
- Genuine belief they're being relatable
How to handle:
- Interrupt and redirect
- Name the pattern
- Stop sharing important things
- Set time limits
- Evaluate the friendship
- Use the acknowledgment test
Remember:
Healthy friendship includes:
✅ Reciprocal airtime
✅ Genuine curiosity
✅ Space for both people
✅ Active listening
✅ Validation before relating
If your friend can't do these things:
You have three options:
- Address it directly and see if they'll change
- Downgrade the friendship to surface-level
- End it
You're not obligated to be an audience for someone else's one-person show.
You deserve friends who actually want to hear you.
About 4Angles: We help you recognize when friendships are one-sided and give you the tools to either fix them or walk away. Because your experiences matter too—not just as prompts for someone else's stories. Built for people tired of being supporting characters in their friends' narratives.
Last updated: October 31, 2025