For years I thought I'd healed.
The relationship ended.
I stopped crying.
I moved on.
Dated other people.
I thought:
"I'm over it. I'm healed."
Then something triggered me.
And I fell apart.
My therapist said:
"You didn't heal. You just stopped thinking about it."
There's a difference.
What I Thought Healing Was
I thought healing meant:
Not thinking about it anymore.
Not crying.
Not feeling pain.
Moving on.
Being "over it."
I thought:
Time heals.
And enough time had passed.
So I must be healed.
I wasn't.
The Trigger That Revealed The Truth
Three years after the breakup:
I was at a wedding.
The DJ played "our song."
And I:
Ran to the bathroom.
Sobbed.
Couldn't breathe.
Like it had just happened.
Three years.
And I was still destroyed.
By a song.
What My Therapist Explained
Me: "I thought I was over this. Why am I still falling apart?"
Her: "Did you ever actually process what happened?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Her: "Did you sit with the pain? Feel your feelings? Work through it? Or did you just... move on?"
Me: pause
Her: "You shoved it down. And moving on is not the same as healing."
The Difference
Not Thinking About It:
- Avoiding
- Distracting
- Suppressing
- "Moving on" quickly
- Keeping busy
- Dating immediately
- Pretending you're fine
What it looks like:
Surface calm.
Underneath:
Unprocessed pain waiting to erupt.
Actually Healing:
- Processing
- Feeling
- Working through
- Integrating the experience
- Learning
- Growing
- Becoming different
What it looks like:
Genuine peace.
Not because you forgot.
But because you processed.
The Signs I Hadn't Actually Healed
Looking back:
I'd been avoiding, not healing.
1. I Couldn't Talk About It
If someone brought it up:
I changed the subject.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"It's in the past."
"I'm over it."
Not because I'd healed.
Because it still hurt too much.
2. I Stayed Extremely Busy
Every minute filled:
- Work
- Gym
- Friends
- Dating
- Projects
- Anything
So I never:
Had to sit with the pain.
3. I Jumped Into New Relationships
Two weeks after the breakup:
Already dating.
I thought:
"I'm moving on."
Actually:
"I'm avoiding feeling."
4. I Couldn't Be Alone
Silence scared me.
Because in silence:
The feelings came.
So I:
Never let it be silent.
5. Certain Things Still Triggered Me
Songs. Places. Smells. Memories.
Instant tears.
Instant panic.
Instant pain.
Years later.
Because I never:
Actually processed it.
6. I Couldn't Be Happy For Ex
Heard he was engaged.
Felt:
Rage. Betrayal. Pain.
If I'd healed:
I'd feel neutral or happy for him.
Instead:
Still bitter.
7. I Had The Same Patterns
Every relationship:
Same issues.
Same fears.
Same endings.
Because I never:
Learned from the first one.
Just repeated it.
What Actually Healing Looks Like
My therapist made me go back.
To the pain I'd been avoiding.
1. I Had to Feel It
For months in therapy:
I cried.
Every session.
Felt:
- The betrayal
- The loss
- The grief
- The anger
All of it.
That I'd been running from.
It hurt.
More than I thought possible.
But:
On the other side of feeling it:
Was actually healing.
2. I Had to Understand It
Not just: "He hurt me."
But:
- Why did I stay so long?
- What needs was I trying to meet?
- What patterns was I repeating?
- What did this teach me?
Understanding:
Not to excuse him.
But to learn from it.
3. I Had to Sit With Silence
Stopped filling every moment.
Let myself:
Be alone.
Be quiet.
Be with my thoughts.
Uncomfortable at first.
Necessary for healing.
4. I Had to Integrate It
Not: "This happened and I need to forget it."
But: "This happened and it changed me. How do I integrate this experience into who I am now?"
Making it:
Part of my story.
Not the story I avoid.
Six Months Of Actual Healing
After six months of therapy:
Processing instead of avoiding:
Things changed:
1. I Could Talk About It
Without crying.
Without rage.
Without shutting down.
Just:
"Here's what happened. It hurt. I learned from it."
2. Triggers Didn't Destroy Me
"Our song" played.
I felt:
A pang of sadness.
Then moved on.
Not destroyed.
Just remembered.
3. I Could Be Happy For Him
Heard he got married.
Felt:
Neutral.
Maybe a little happy for him.
No rage.
No pain.
Just:
"Good for him."
4. I Wasn't Repeating Patterns
New relationship:
Healthier.
Because I'd:
Learned from the old one.
Instead of just avoiding it.
5. I Was Different
The experience changed me.
Made me:
- More boundaried
- More discerning
- More aware
- More whole
Not because I forgot.
Because I integrated.
The Timeline
Avoiding: 3 years
No healing. Just suppression.
Actually processing: 6 months
Real healing.
I could've healed in six months.
Instead took three years:
To finally start.
How To Know If You're Healing Or Avoiding
Ask yourself:
Can you talk about it?
Healing: Yes, calmly.
Avoiding: No, I change the subject.
Can you be alone with your thoughts?
Healing: Yes.
Avoiding: No, I need constant distraction.
Do triggers still destroy you?
Healing: I feel something briefly, then move on.
Avoiding: I fall apart completely.
Are you repeating patterns?
Healing: I've learned and changed.
Avoiding: Same issues, different person.
Can you feel genuinely happy for them?
Healing: Yes or neutral.
Avoiding: Still bitter/angry.
Have you actually sat with the pain?
Healing: Yes, I've cried it out, felt it, processed it.
Avoiding: No, I moved on quickly.
The Hard Truth
Healing isn't:
- Fast
- Easy
- Comfortable
- Avoidable
Healing is:
- Slow
- Painful
- Uncomfortable
- Necessary
You can avoid it.
For years.
But it doesn't go away.
It just waits.
Until something triggers it:
And you realize:
You never actually healed.
What I Wish I'd Known
I wish I'd known:
Moving on quickly isn't strength.
It's avoidance.
Healing takes time.
And that's okay.
You can't skip the pain.
Only through it.
"I'm fine" doesn't mean healed.
It means performing.
Three Years Later (Actual Healing)
Now:
I can:
- Talk about it without emotion
- Hear his name without flinching
- See him without panic
- Remember without pain
- Learn from it without bitterness
Because I:
Actually healed.
Not just stopped thinking about it.
The difference:
Is everything.
About 4Angles: Healing isn't about forgetting—it's about processing. You can avoid pain for years, but it doesn't disappear. It waits.
Last updated: October 31, 2025