I called it patience.
Waiting:
For him to:
- Change
- Be ready
- Figure himself out
- Treat me better
- Choose me
My therapist:
Called it something else:
Being a doormat.
What I Thought Patience Was
Giving him:
Time.
Space.
Understanding.
Grace.
Multiple chances.
To become:
The person:
He said he'd be.
What Patience Actually Looked Like
Year one:
Him: "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."
Me: "Okay. I'll wait."
Year two:
Him: "I'm working on myself. Just give me time."
Me: "I'm patient. Take your time."
Year three:
Him: "I care about you. I'm just figuring things out."
Me: "I'm still here."
Still waiting.
What Being a Doormat Actually Looked Like
Accepting:
- Breadcrumbs
- Mixed signals
- Inconsistency
- Being an option
- Waiting indefinitely
While calling it:
"Patience."
The Moment My Therapist Called It Out
Me: "I'm just being patient. He's going through a lot."
Her: "How long have you been patient?"
Me: "Three years."
Her: "And in those three years, what has changed?"
Me: "...Nothing."
Her: "That's not patience. That's you being a doormat."
I was offended.
Then:
I realized:
She was right.
The Difference
Patience:
Waiting:
For progress.
While someone:
- Does the work
- Shows effort
- Makes changes
- Moves forward
- Communicates timeline
With:
An endpoint.
Being a Doormat:
Waiting:
Indefinitely.
While someone:
- Makes no changes
- Shows no effort
- Gives no timeline
- Keeps you waiting
- Benefits from your waiting
With:
No endpoint.
What Patient Love Looks Like
Them:
"I'm working through some things. Can you give me a month? I'm going to therapy and actively addressing this."
You:
Waiting while they do the work.
Month later:
Them:
"Thank you for being patient. Here's what I've learned. Here's how I'm changing."
Progress.
Visible.
That's patience.
What Being a Doormat Looks Like
Them:
"I need time."
You:
Waiting.
Six months later:
Them:
"I still need time."
You:
Still waiting.
Year later:
Them:
"I'm figuring things out."
You:
Still waiting.
No progress.
No timeline.
No change.
That's being a doormat.
The Questions That Showed Me the Truth
My therapist asked:
"What are you waiting for?"
Him to be ready.
"Ready for what?"
To commit.
"Has he said he will?"
No. But he hasn't said he won't.
"So you're waiting for something he's never promised?"
...
"How long will you wait?"
I don't know.
"What if he's never ready?"
Then I'll have wasted years.
"You already have."
Ouch.
But true.
The Signs I Was a Doormat, Not Patient
1. No Timeline
Patience has:
A timeframe.
Being a doormat:
"However long it takes."
2. No Progress
Patience sees:
Movement forward.
Being a doormat:
Same situation,
Different year.
3. No Effort From Them
Patience:
They're actively working.
Being a doormat:
They're just existing,
While you wait.
4. You're Sacrificing Your Needs
Patience:
Temporary adjustment.
Being a doormat:
Permanent self-abandonment.
5. They're Not Asking You to Wait
Patience:
"Please wait while I do X."
Being a doormat:
You decided to wait,
While they do nothing.
What Changed When I Stopped
I said:
"I've been patient for three years. I need to know: are you working toward being ready? Or are you comfortable with how things are?"
Him:
"I don't know. I don't want to promise something I can't deliver."
Honest.
Finally.
Me:
"Then I can't wait anymore."
Him:
"So you're giving up on us?"
Me:
"There is no 'us.' There's me waiting and you being uncommitted. That's not something to give up on. That's something to stop accepting."
I left.
What Happened After
He reached out:
Two months later.
"I'm ready now. Can we try?"
Old me:
Would've run back.
New me:
"Ready now that I left? Or ready because you actually did work?"
Him:
"I just... realized what I lost."
Me:
"That's not readiness. That's fear of loss. I'm not coming back to be the thing you're afraid of losing. I need to be the thing you choose."
He didn't respond.
Because:
He still wasn't ready.
He was just:
Uncomfortable:
That I stopped waiting.
The Person Who Showed Me the Difference
New relationship.
Him: "I'm dealing with some stuff. Can I have this week to focus on it? I'll check in Friday and we can make plans for the weekend."
Timeline.
Communication.
Plan.
Friday:
He followed through.
Him: "Thanks for giving me space. Here's what was going on. I'm better now. Want to do something Sunday?"
That's patience.
With respect.
If You're "Being Patient"
Ask:
Is there a timeline?
Or are you waiting indefinitely?
Is there progress?
Or is it the same situation, different day?
Are they doing the work?
Or just existing while you wait?
Do they acknowledge your patience?
Or take it for granted?
Are you sacrificing your needs?
Or making a temporary adjustment?
If you're:
- Waiting indefinitely
- Seeing no progress
- Watching them make no effort
- Sacrificing your needs permanently
You're not patient.
You're a doormat.
And it's time:
To stop waiting.
The Difference I Finally Learned
Patience:
Has an endpoint.
Shows progress.
Involves mutual effort.
Respects your needs.
Being a doormat:
Is indefinite.
Shows no change.
Is one-sided.
Abandons your needs.
One is love.
The other:
Is self-abandonment.
Know the difference.
About 4Angles: Patience has a timeline and shows progress. Waiting indefinitely while someone makes no effort? That's not patience—you're being a doormat.
Last updated: November 2, 2025