I thought I was kind.
I was wrong.
I was nice.
And there's a massive difference.
The Day I Learned
My therapist said something that stopped me cold:
"You're very nice. But I don't think you're kind. Not to yourself, anyway."
Me: "What's the difference?"
Her:
"Nice is about keeping the peace. Kind is about doing what's right. Nice avoids conflict. Kind creates healthy conflict when needed. Nice is for other people's comfort. Kind is for everyone's growth—including yours."
I sat there.
Processing.
Because I'd spent my whole life being nice.
Thinking it was the same as being kind.
What "Nice" Looked Like
I was nice when:
1. I Lied to Keep Peace
Friend: "Do you like my new boyfriend?"
Truth: He's rude to waitstaff and talks over her constantly.
What I said: "He seems great!"
Nice: Avoided uncomfortable truth
Kind: Would've said something that could help her
2. I Said Yes When I Meant No
Them: "Can you help me move this weekend?"
Truth: I'm exhausted and need rest.
What I said: "Of course!"
Nice: Prioritized their comfort over my needs
Kind: Would've honored my own boundaries
3. I Stayed Silent
Coworker made a racist joke.
I felt uncomfortable.
I said nothing.
Nice: Didn't cause conflict
Kind: Would've spoken up
4. I Enabled Bad Behavior
Friend constantly canceled plans last minute.
I always said: "No problem! Let's reschedule!"
Nice: Avoided confrontation
Kind: Would've set a boundary about respect for my time
5. I Prioritized Being Liked
I:
- Agreed when I disagreed
- Laughed at offensive jokes
- Accepted mistreatment
- Never made waves
- Never had needs
Nice: Everyone liked me
Kind: Would've been authentic
What I Realized
Being nice:
- Is performative
- Is about managing others' emotions
- Avoids discomfort at all costs
- People-pleasing
- Seeks approval
- Keeps the peace (even when peace isn't healthy)
Being kind:
- Is authentic
- Is about doing what's genuinely helpful
- Embraces necessary discomfort
- Boundary-setting
- Honors truth
- Creates healthy conflict when needed
Nice is about being liked.
Kind is about being real.
How This Played Out In My Life
With My Family
Nice me:
Mom: "You'll come to Christmas, right? I'd be so hurt if you didn't."
Me: cancels plans with in-laws, shows up resentful
Kind me:
Mom: "You'll come to Christmas, right? I'd be so hurt if you didn't."
Me: "We're visiting [husband's] family this year. We'll see you next year."
Nice = prioritizing her feelings over mine
Kind = honest boundary that respects everyone
With My Partner
Nice me:
Him: "What do you want for dinner?"
Me: "Whatever you want!"
He chooses. I'm disappointed but say nothing.
Kind me:
Him: "What do you want for dinner?"
Me: "I'd really like Thai food."
Direct. Honest. Allows him to know me.
Nice = pretending I have no preferences
Kind = being authentic and allowing real connection
With My Friends
Nice me:
Friend constantly venting but never asking how I am.
I listen for hours. Never bring up my needs.
Kind me:
"I love you, but this friendship feels one-sided. I need it to be more reciprocal."
Hard conversation. Growth or ending. Either way, honest.
Nice = accepting imbalance to keep the friendship
Kind = advocating for healthy dynamics
With Strangers
Nice me:
Cashier is rude.
I smile, say nothing, leave upset.
Kind me:
Still polite, but doesn't accept mistreatment. Speaks to manager if needed. Or just doesn't return.
Nice = accepting poor treatment silently
Kind = setting boundaries respectfully
The Cost of Being Nice
What being nice cost me:
1. Authenticity
No one knew the real me.
Because I was whoever kept the peace.
2. Respect
People treated me however they wanted.
Because I never pushed back.
3. Self-Trust
I couldn't trust my own reactions.
Because I always overrode them for niceness.
4. Energy
Being nice is exhausting.
It's a constant performance.
5. Resentment
I said yes when I meant no.
Then resented people for asking.
6. Real Connection
No one knew me.
Because I never let them.
The Freedom of Being Kind
What being kind gave me:
1. Authenticity
People know the real me now.
And the right ones love that person.
2. Respect
I set boundaries.
People respect them or leave.
3. Self-Trust
I listen to my gut.
And honor it.
4. Energy
Being kind is less exhausting.
Because it's real.
5. Peace
No more resentment.
Because I say no when I mean no.
6. Real Connection
Fewer friends.
Deeper connections.
How to Shift From Nice to Kind
1. Notice When You're Performing
Ask:
"Am I saying this because it's true? Or because it's nice?"
If it's just nice:
Try truth.
2. Get Comfortable With Disapproval
Nice people need approval.
Kind people can handle disapproval.
Practice:
Saying something true that might not be liked.
Sitting with the discomfort.
3. Set Boundaries
Nice people avoid boundaries.
Kind people set them.
Practice:
"I can't this weekend."
"That doesn't work for me."
"I need you to stop."
4. Tell Loving Truths
Nice people lie to avoid hurt.
Kind people tell truths that might hurt short-term but help long-term.
Practice:
"I care about you, and I have to tell you—I think this relationship is unhealthy for you."
Short-term: Uncomfortable
Long-term: Helpful
5. Be Kind to Yourself First
Nice people sacrifice themselves.
Kind people know you can't pour from empty.
Practice:
Prioritizing your needs without guilt.
The Uncomfortable Truth
Some people will prefer you nice.
Because nice people:
- Don't have boundaries
- Don't push back
- Are easy to manipulate
- Prioritize your comfort always
- Never make waves
Kind people:
- Have boundaries
- Speak up
- Are harder to control
- Prioritize truth over comfort
- Make necessary waves
When you shift from nice to kind:
Some people won't like it.
Good.
Those people liked your performance.
Not you.
One Year Later
I'm not nice anymore.
I'm kind.
Which means:
I have boundaries.
I say no.
I speak truth.
I disappoint people sometimes.
I'm not always liked.
But:
I'm respected.
I'm authentic.
I'm at peace.
I have real connections.
I like myself.
And I'd take kind over nice:
Every single time.
Because nice is a performance.
Kind is a practice.
And only one of them:
Lets you be real.
About 4Angles: Being nice is about managing other people's comfort. Being kind is about doing what's actually right—including for yourself.
Last updated: October 31, 2025