I was the empathetic friend.
Always understanding.
Always compassionate.
Always seeing both sides.
Then someone said:
"Your empathy is being used against you."
I laughed.
"That's impossible. Empathy is good."
She said:
"Not when someone is weaponizing it."
I didn't understand.
Until I did.
How It Started
Him: "I'm really struggling right now."
Me: "What's wrong?"
Him: "I just... I don't know. Everything feels hard. I'm barely keeping it together."
My empathy:
Activated.
Me: "I'm so sorry. What can I do to help?"
Him: "Just... be patient with me. I know I've been distant. But I'm going through stuff."
Me: "Of course. Take your time."
This conversation:
Happened every week.
For six months.
The Pattern I Didn't See
Every time:
I had a need.
Expressed hurt.
Set a boundary.
He'd say:
"I'm really struggling right now."
And my empathy:
Would override:
My need.
Example 1:
Me: "You didn't text me all weekend. I was worried."
Him: "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just in a really dark place right now. Everything feels overwhelming."
Me: "Oh. I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"
Him: "Not really. I just need space."
Me: "Okay. I'm here if you need me."
My need:
Forgotten.
Example 2:
Me: "You canceled our plans again. This is the third time."
Him: "I know. I feel terrible. I'm just barely functioning right now. My mental health is really bad."
Me: "I understand. Is there anything I can do?"
Him: "Just... don't be mad at me. I can't handle that right now."
Me: "I'm not mad. I'm just worried about you."
My hurt:
Dismissed.
Example 3:
Me: "I need you to communicate better. The silence is really hard for me."
Him: "I'm trying. But I'm dealing with a lot. Can you just give me some grace?"
Me: "Of course. Sorry for adding pressure."
My boundary:
Abandoned.
The Pattern
Every single time:
I expressed:
- A need
- A hurt
- A boundary
- A concern
He responded with:
- His struggle
- His pain
- His mental health
- His inability to meet me
And I:
Felt guilty:
For having needs.
The Moment It Clicked
Friend: "How's it going with him?"
Me: "Fine. I mean, he's going through a lot. So I'm trying to be understanding."
Her: "How long has he been 'going through a lot'?"
Me: "I don't know. Six months?"
Her: "And in those six months, how many times have you brought up your needs?"
Me: "A few times."
Her: "And what happens?"
Me: "He tells me he's struggling. And I feel bad. So I drop it."
Her: "Every time?"
Me: "...Yeah."
Her: "Your empathy is being weaponized."
Me: "What?"
Her: "He's using your empathy to avoid accountability. Every time you have a need, he makes himself the victim. And you—because you're empathetic—prioritize his pain over your needs."
Silence.
She was right.
How Empathy Gets Weaponized
Step 1: You express a need
"I need more communication."
Step 2: They center their pain
"I'm really struggling right now. I can barely function."
Step 3: Your empathy kicks in
I should be more understanding. They're going through something.
Step 4: You abandon your need
"It's okay. Take your time."
Step 5: They learn the pattern
Every time I say I'm struggling, they drop their needs.
Repeat.
Forever.
The Signs I Missed
1. It Was Always Timed Perfectly
Me: "We need to talk about—"
Him: "I'm having a really hard day."
Every. Single. Time.
Not coincidence.
Strategy.
2. The Struggle Was Vague
Never specific:
"I'm just... struggling." "Everything feels hard." "I'm in a dark place."
Vague enough:
To be unverifiable.
But specific enough:
To trigger my empathy.
3. He Never Actually Sought Help
Me: "Have you thought about therapy?"
Him: "Yeah, I should. I just... haven't had the energy."
For six months.
He had energy:
To go out with friends.
To post on social media.
To play video games.
But not:
To get help.
Or treat me better.
4. My Needs Were Always "Too Much"
Him: "I can't handle this right now."
"This":
Basic communication.
Showing up.
Following through.
Not too much.
Basic.
5. Other People Didn't Trigger His "Struggle"
His friends?
He showed up for them.
His job?
He functioned fine.
Me?
"I'm barely keeping it together."
Translation:
"I don't want to meet your needs."
The Conversation That Ended It
Me: "I need to talk."
Him: "Okay?"
Me: "Every time I bring up something I need, you tell me you're struggling. And I drop it."
Him: "Because I AM struggling. I can't believe you're making this about you."
There it was again.
Me: "I'm not making it about me. I'm asking for basic respect and communication."
Him: "I've told you I'm in a bad place. If you can't be supportive right now, maybe we shouldn't—"
Me: "You're right. We shouldn't."
Him: "Wait, what?"
Me: "You've been 'struggling' for six months. And somehow that means I don't get to have needs. I'm done."
Him: "I can't believe you're abandoning me when I need you most."
Me: "You don't need me. You need someone who won't hold you accountable. That's not me anymore."
I left.
What I Learned
Empathy is beautiful.
But:
People can weaponize it:
To avoid:
- Accountability
- Change
- Meeting your needs
- Respecting boundaries
By making themselves:
The victim.
Every time.
How to Tell the Difference
Genuine Struggle:
- Specific about what's wrong
- Seeking help (therapy, support, resources)
- Takes accountability when possible
- Doesn't use it to avoid every conflict
- Shows up in other areas of life
Weaponized "Struggle":
- Vague, unverifiable
- No actual help-seeking
- Perfectly timed to deflect your needs
- Used to avoid all accountability
- Functions fine for others/in other areas
What I Do Now
When someone says:
"I'm really struggling right now."
I say:
"I'm sorry to hear that. And I still need [boundary/need/communication]."
If they respond with:
"I can't handle that right now."
I say:
"I understand. Take care."
And remove myself.
Because:
My empathy:
Is not a tool:
For people to avoid:
Treating me well.
Six Months Later
He reached out:
"Hey. I've been working on myself. Can we talk?"
Old me:
Would've immediately said yes.
New me:
"What have you been working on?"
Him:
"Just... stuff. I think I'm in a better place."
Vague.
Again.
Me:
"I'm glad you're doing better. I'm not interested in reconnecting."
Him:
"Wow. I thought you were empathetic."
Me:
"I am. That's why I won't let you weaponize it again."
Blocked.
If This Sounds Familiar
Ask:
Do they bring up their struggle:
Every time:
You have a need?
Have they been "struggling":
For months:
Without seeking help?
Do they function fine:
In other relationships/areas:
But claim they "can't handle":
Your basic needs?
If yes:
Your empathy:
Is being weaponized.
And you're allowed:
To stop:
Letting that happen.
About 4Angles: Empathy is beautiful—until someone weaponizes it to avoid accountability. When "I'm struggling" becomes the response to every boundary, it's manipulation.
Last updated: November 2, 2025