The conversation started so normally.
I had no idea it would be the one that finally opened my eyes.
The setup:
We'd been dating eight months. I was feeling disconnected. Something was off, but I couldn't name it.
So I tried to have an honest conversation.
Big mistake.
The Conversation
Me: "Hey, can we talk? I've been feeling distant lately."
Him: "Okay..." already defensive
Me: "I feel like we don't connect like we used to. Like you're not really present when we're together."
Him: "What are you talking about? I'm always with you."
Me: "Physically, yes. But emotionally... I don't know. It feels like you're not really listening when I talk. Or interested in what I say."
Him: heavy sigh "Here we go again."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Him: "You always do this. Everything's fine, then you create problems out of nothing."
Me: "I'm not creating problems. I'm telling you how I feel."
Him: "Your feelings are wrong."
I paused.
"My... feelings are wrong?"
Him: "Yeah. You feel disconnected? We just spent the whole weekend together. You feel like I don't listen? I'm listening right now. So yeah, your feelings are wrong."
Me: "Feelings can't be wrong. They're just feelings."
Him: "Well yours are."
Me: trying a different approach "Okay, let me be more specific. Yesterday when I was telling you about my promotion, you were on your phone the whole time. That made me feel unimportant."
Him: "I was listening."
Me: "You were scrolling Instagram."
Him: "I can multitask."
Me: "But it didn't feel like you cared about something important to me."
Him: puts phone down aggressively "There. Happy now? You have my full attention. What else do you want from me?"
Me: "I'm not trying to attack you. I just want us to connect more."
Him: "We DO connect. You're just never satisfied."
The Pattern I Finally Saw
That's when something clicked.
This wasn't the first conversation like this.
Every time I brought up a problem:
Pattern 1: Deny
Me: "When you [thing that hurt me], I felt [feeling]."
Him: "I didn't do that." Even when I saw it with my own eyes.
Pattern 2: Minimize
Me: "This thing really hurt me."
Him: "You're being too sensitive." / "You're overreacting." / "It wasn't that bad."
Pattern 3: Reverse Victim
Me: "I'm hurt."
Him: "I'm hurt that you think I would hurt you." / "I'm the one who should be upset."
Pattern 4: Make It My Fault
Me: "I need more emotional support from you."
Him: "Maybe if you weren't so needy, I could give you what you want."
Pattern 5: Gaslight
Me: "You said [thing]."
Him: "I never said that." / "You're remembering wrong." / "You're imagining things."
Every. Single. Time.
I could never bring up a problem without it becoming MY problem.
The Conversation Continued
Me: "I just feel like my feelings don't matter to you."
Him: "Of course they matter. God, why are you so dramatic?"
Me: "I'm not being dramatic. I'm trying to communicate."
Him: "No, you're trying to start a fight."
Me: "I literally said I want us to connect more. How is that starting a fight?"
Him: "Because you're never happy! I do everything for you and it's never enough!"
Me: confused "What do you do for me?"
Him: "Are you serious right now? I'm WITH you, aren't I? I could be with anyone, but I chose you."
And there it was.
The thing he'd said a hundred times in different ways.
"I could be with anyone."
"You're lucky I put up with this."
"Other girls aren't this difficult."
"I don't know why I even bother."
Always a reminder:
I should be grateful.
He's doing me a favor.
I'm difficult.
I'm lucky he stays.
What I Said Next
Me: "Do you even like me?"
Him: "What kind of question is that?"
Me: "A real one. Do you actually like me? Or do you just like that I'm convenient?"
Him: laughs "Now you're being ridiculous."
Me: "I'm serious. Name three things you like about me that aren't physical or convenient."
Him: "I'm not playing this game."
Me: "It's not a game. If you love me, you should be able to name things you love about me."
Him: stares at me
Me: waits
Him: "I don't have to prove my love to you."
Me: "I'm not asking you to prove it. I'm asking you to show you know me."
Him: "This is insane. You're being insane."
Me: "I can name things I love about you. Want me to?"
Him: "This is manipulative."
Me: "How is—"
Him: "You're trying to manipulate me into saying what you want to hear."
Me: "I'm trying to understand if you actually care about me."
Him: stands up "I'm done with this conversation. You're crazy. I'm leaving."
And he left.
For three days.
No text. No call.
Silent treatment.
Because I asked if he liked me.
What My Best Friend Said
I called my best friend, crying.
Me: "Am I crazy? Was I manipulative?"
Her: "Let me ask you something. Can you name three things you love about him?"
Me: "Of course. He's funny, he's ambitious, he—"
Her: "And he couldn't name one thing about you."
Silence.
Her: "You've been with him eight months. He can't name one thing he likes about you beyond physical. But you're the problem?"
Me: "Maybe I caught him off guard."
Her: "Babe. You could wake me up at 3 AM and I could name ten things I love about you. If someone loves you, that's not a hard question."
Me: "He called me crazy."
Her: "He calls you crazy every time you have a feeling he doesn't like. That's not normal."
Me: "He says I'm never satisfied."
Her: "You asked to feel connected. That's not unreasonable."
Me: "He says I start fights."
Her: "You tried to have an adult conversation about your needs. He made it a fight."
Then she said the thing that changed everything:
"Every time you have a problem, somehow by the end of the conversation, YOU'RE the problem. Think about that."
The Pattern Everywhere
Once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it.
Every conversation we'd ever had about my needs:
Ended with me apologizing.
Ended with me comforting him.
Ended with me being the bad guy.
Me bringing up a problem = me causing a problem.
And I'd accepted that for eight months.
Examples I suddenly remembered:
When he forgot my birthday:
Me: "You forgot my birthday."
Him: "I've been so stressed with work. I can't believe you're making me feel bad about this."
I ended up apologizing for making him feel bad.
When he canceled plans last minute (again):
Me: "This is the third time you've canceled. It makes me feel unimportant."
Him: "Wow, sorry my life doesn't revolve around you."
I ended up feeling selfish for wanting plans honored.
When I asked to meet his friends:
Me: "We've been dating six months. When can I meet your friends?"
Him: "Why are you so insecure? Don't you trust me?"
I ended up feeling crazy for wanting normal relationship progression.
Every single time:
My need = my flaw.
My hurt = my sensitivity.
My boundary = my demand.
The Research
I googled: "boyfriend turns everything around on me"
And found: narcissistic personality disorder
I read about:
- DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)
- Gaslighting
- Emotional manipulation
- Lack of empathy
- Inability to take accountability
- Making you feel crazy
Every single thing described him.
And described what I'd been experiencing.
The Ending
When he finally texted three days later:
Him: "Are you done being dramatic?"
Before, I would've apologized.
Begged him to talk to me.
Accepted blame.
Instead:
Me: "I don't think this is working."
Him: "Are you breaking up with me over a stupid argument?"
Me: "I'm breaking up with you because I asked if you liked me and you called me crazy and disappeared for three days."
Him: "You're making a huge mistake."
Me: "Maybe. But I need to be with someone who can name one thing they like about me."
Him: "Fine. You'll come crawling back."
I didn't.
Six Months Later
I'm dating someone new.
Last week I asked him: "What do you love about me?"
Without hesitation:
"Your curiosity. How you get excited about learning new things. Your kindness to strangers. How you laugh at your own jokes. Your terrible taste in movies. The way you think about things differently than anyone I know. Should I keep going?"
And I cried.
Because I'd forgotten that was normal.
Dating a narcissist taught me:
Your feelings aren't the problem.
Needing connection isn't unreasonable.
Being able to name what you love about your partner is baseline.
And if every conversation about your needs ends with you apologizing:
You're not the problem.
They are.
About 4Angles: For people learning that being called "crazy" every time you have a feeling isn't love—it's manipulation.
Last updated: October 31, 2025