He used to call me:
"So understanding."
"So chill."
"So low-maintenance."
"So easy-going."
Then:
I set a boundary.
And suddenly:
I was:
"Difficult."
"High-maintenance."
"Demanding."
"Changed."
The Compliments I Got
When I Had No Boundaries
"You're so chill. You never complain."
Translation:
"I like that you accept everything."
"You're so understanding."
Translation:
"I like that you excuse my behavior."
"You're so low-maintenance."
Translation:
"I like that you don't ask for anything."
"You're the coolest girlfriend."
Translation:
"I like that you let me do whatever I want."
What Changed
I set boundaries:
"I need you to text if you're going to be late."
"I'm not comfortable with you staying out all night without letting me know."
"I need more quality time together."
Basic.
Reasonable.
Healthy.
How the Compliments Became Criticisms
"You're So Chill" → "You're Being Controlling"
Boundary:
"Can you let me know when you'll be home?"
Him:
"Wow. You used to be so chill. Now you're being controlling."
"You're So Understanding" → "You're Being Unreasonable"
Boundary:
"I need you to follow through when you say you'll do something."
Him:
"You used to be so understanding. Now you're being unreasonable."
"You're So Low-Maintenance" → "You're High-Maintenance"
Boundary:
"I'd like us to spend more intentional time together."
Him:
"You used to be so low-maintenance. What happened?"
What I Realized
The compliments:
Were never about:
Who I was.
They were about:
What I let him:
Get away with.
I was "chill":
Because I had:
No boundaries.
I was "understanding":
Because I made:
Excuses for him.
I was "low-maintenance":
Because I never:
Asked for anything.
The moment:
I had needs:
The compliments:
Stopped.
The Pattern I Saw
Every "compliment":
He'd given me:
Was about:
Me:
Not having:
Standards.
Not about:
My actual qualities.
Other People Who Did This
The Friend
Said I was:
"So supportive and always there!"
Until:
I said:
"I can't drop everything tonight. I have plans."
Then I was:
"Selfish and a bad friend."
The Family Member
Said I was:
"So easy-going!"
Until:
I said:
"I'm not comfortable with that."
Then I was:
"Difficult and sensitive."
The Boss
Said I was:
"Such a team player!"
Until:
I said:
"I can't work this weekend."
Then I was:
"Not committed."
The Truth About Those Compliments
They weren't:
Celebrating me.
They were:
Celebrating:
My lack of boundaries.
Rewarding me:
For:
Making myself small.
What Real Compliments Look Like
Real compliments:
Don't disappear:
When you have needs.
Person Who Respects You:
"I love how you communicate your needs clearly."
"I appreciate you setting that boundary."
"You're right. I should have let you know."
They don't punish you:
For having standards.
When I Set Boundaries Now
And someone says:
"You've changed."
Or:
"You used to be so [insert compliment]."
I know:
They liked me:
Without boundaries.
And they don't like:
Me with them.
Good.
If Your Compliments Stopped
When you:
Set boundaries:
They were never:
Real compliments.
They were:
Rewards:
For compliance.
People who:
Actually value you:
Will respect:
Your boundaries.
Not punish you:
For having them.
About 4Angles: If compliments stop when you set boundaries, they were never about you—they were rewards for having no standards. Real respect doesn't vanish when you have needs.
Last updated: November 2, 2025