She said:
"You're so brave for wearing that."
I said:
"Thank you!"
Then:
Went home:
And never wore it again.
Because:
It wasn't a compliment.
The Compliments That Weren't
"You're so confident!"
Context:
I shared an opinion.
Translation:
"You're being too loud/assertive/opinionated."
"You look so comfortable."
Context:
I wore something casual.
Translation:
"You look sloppy."
"I could never pull that off."
Context:
Complimenting my outfit.
Translation:
"That looks bad, but I'm framing it nicely."
"You're so brave to post that."
Context:
I shared a photo.
Translation:
"I think that's embarrassing."
"Good for you for trying!"
Context:
I accomplished something.
Translation:
"I don't think you actually succeeded."
How I Figured It Out
Friend: "Why did you stop wearing that dress? You loved it."
Me: "Someone said I was 'brave' for wearing it."
Her: "So?"
Me: "So... it must look bad if it takes bravery."
Her: "Or they were being passive-aggressive. That's not a compliment. That's an insult disguised as one."
I replayed:
Every "compliment":
She'd given me.
They were all:
Disguised criticisms.
The Pattern
Real compliment:
"That dress looks great on you!"
Disguised insult:
"You're so brave for wearing that dress!"
The difference:
One celebrates.
The other questions.
Why People Do This
They Want to Criticize Without Confrontation
Insult:
Gets them called out.
"Compliment":
Lets them:
Say something mean:
While looking nice.
If You Call Them Out, They Gaslight You
Me: "That felt like an insult."
Them: "What? I was complimenting you! You're so sensitive."
Making me:
The problem.
They're Jealous
But can't:
Admit it.
So they:
Undermine you:
While pretending:
To support you.
The Ones That Hurt Most
"You look so good for your age!"
Hidden message:
"You're old."
"You're pretty for a [insert qualifier]"
Hidden message:
"You're not conventionally attractive, but I'll give you this."
"I love how you don't care what people think!"
Hidden message:
"People are judging you, but okay."
"You're so lucky you can eat whatever you want!"
Hidden message:
"I'm commenting on your body in a way you can't call me out for."
"You're too smart for him."
Hidden message:
"He's out of your league physically."
How I Started Responding
Old Me:
Them: "You're so brave for wearing that!"
Me: "Thank you!"
Goes home and never wears it again.
New Me:
Them: "You're so brave for wearing that!"
Me: "What do you mean by 'brave'?"
Them: "Oh, nothing! Just that it's bold!"
Me: "Bold how?"
Them: "I just meant... never mind."
Exactly.
The Friend Who Only Gave Backhanded Compliments
Every compliment:
Had a sting.
"You look so much better than usual today!"
Usually I look bad?
"I'm so impressed you finished that. I didn't think you would."
You thought I'd fail?
"You're handling being single so well!"
Should I not be?
I realized:
She never:
Just complimented me.
There was always:
An edge.
The Conversation I Finally Had
Her: "You look great! So much better than in your last photos."
Me: "Why do your compliments always have a 'but' attached?"
Her: "What? They don't!"
Me: "'You look great but you looked bad before' is not a compliment."
Her: "I'm just being honest. Would you rather I lie?"
Me: "I'd rather you just stop. If you can't compliment me without insulting me, don't say anything."
Her: "Wow. I can't believe you're being like this. I was trying to be nice."
Translation:
"I can't believe you're calling me out."
I stopped being around her.
The Difference
Real Compliment:
- Celebrates you
- No hidden meaning
- Feels good
- No qualifiers
- Genuine
Examples:
"You look amazing!" "I'm so proud of you!" "That color is perfect on you!"
Backhanded Compliment:
- Undermines you
- Hidden criticism
- Feels off
- Has qualifiers ("for a," "so brave," "better than")
- Passive-aggressive
Examples:
"You're so brave for wearing that!" "You look so good for your age!" "I could never pull that off!"
What I Do Now
When someone gives:
A "compliment":
That feels off:
I ask:
"What do you mean by that?"
Real compliment:
They'll explain genuinely.
Backhanded compliment:
They'll backtrack:
Or get defensive.
That's how I know.
The Person Who Showed Me Real Compliments
New friend:
"That dress is stunning on you."
No "brave."
No "for a."
No qualifiers.
Just:
Genuine.
I almost didn't:
Believe her.
Because:
I'd been conditioned:
To expect:
The sting.
If Someone's Compliments Always Sting
They're not compliments.
They're:
Disguised criticisms.
And you're allowed:
To:
Call it out.
Stop accepting it.
Distance yourself.
Real support:
Doesn't come:
With a hidden insult.
About 4Angles: "You're so brave for wearing that" isn't a compliment—it's a disguised insult. Real compliments celebrate you without hidden criticism.
Last updated: November 2, 2025