My friend said something last week.
Casual. Offhand.
And it hit me like a brick.
"You're so different now. In a good way. You're... lighter."
I cried right there in the coffee shop.
Because I didn't realize I'd been heavy.
Until I wasn't anymore.
Two Years Ago
Two years ago I was:
Anxious:
About everything. All the time.
Checking my phone constantly.
Panicking over small things.
Catastrophizing every situation.
Resentful:
At my partner.
At my family.
At myself.
Keeping score of every wrong.
Exhausted:
From people-pleasing.
From overworking.
From managing everyone's emotions.
From pretending I was fine.
Lost:
No idea who I was.
What I wanted.
What I liked.
In a relationship that was slowly killing me.
In a job that drained every ounce of energy.
In patterns I couldn't break.
What Changed
I started therapy.
Left the relationship.
Quit the job.
Set boundaries.
Said no.
And slowly:
Piece by piece:
Built a different life.
What "Lighter" Means
When she said I was lighter:
I didn't get it at first.
Then I thought about who I used to be:
Old me:
Every conversation was a complaint.
About:
- My partner
- My job
- My family
- How tired I was
- How stressed I was
- How unfair everything was
I was drowning.
And expected my friends to be my life raft.
New me:
I still have problems.
I still have stress.
But:
I'm not defined by them anymore.
I talk about:
- Things I'm excited about
- Books I'm reading
- Plans I'm making
- Things I'm learning
Not just:
- Everything that's wrong
- Everyone who hurt me
- How hard life is
The Moments I Noticed
Moment 1: The Cancellation
Friend canceled plans last minute.
Old me:
Spiral.
"Does she hate me? Is she mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Is our friendship over?"
Text five people asking if I'm annoying.
New me:
"Aw, that's too bad. Rain check soon!"
Moves on with evening.
No spiral.
Just acceptance.
Moment 2: The Mistake At Work
Made an error on a project.
Old me:
Catastrophizing.
"I'm going to get fired. I'm terrible at my job. I'm a failure. Everyone thinks I'm incompetent."
Panic attack. Can't sleep for three days.
New me:
"Oops. Let me fix that."
Fixes it. Tells boss. Moves on.
No catastrophe.
Just a mistake.
Moment 3: The Boundary
Mom called and wanted me to change my plans for hers.
Old me:
Immediate guilt.
"I'm a terrible daughter. She just wants to see me. I'm so selfish. I should cancel my plans."
Cancels plans. Goes. Resents her the whole time.
New me:
"I can't this weekend, Mom. How about next week?"
Keeps plans. No guilt.
No performance.
Just honesty.
Moment 4: The Disagreement
Partner and I disagreed about something.
Old me:
Panic mode.
"Is he mad at me? Is this a fight? Is the relationship ending? I need to fix this immediately."
Over-apologize. People-please. Lose myself.
New me:
"I see it differently, but I understand your perspective."
Disagree respectfully. Relationship fine.
No panic.
Just difference of opinion.
The Weight I Didn't Know I Carried
Looking back:
I'd been carrying:
Everyone's emotions:
Responsible for how everyone felt.
If they were upset = my job to fix.
Everyone's expectations:
Never disappointing anyone.
Always available.
Always saying yes.
Everyone's problems:
Their crisis = my emergency.
Their stress = my stress.
Their pain = my responsibility.
My own perfectionism:
Never making mistakes.
Never being less than perfect.
Never having needs.
Past trauma:
Replaying old hurts.
Expecting every relationship to end like the last.
Waiting for abandonment.
No wonder I was heavy.
I was carrying the weight of the world.
What "Healing" Actually Looks Like
Not what I expected:
❌ Never anxious ❌ Always happy ❌ No problems ❌ Everything perfect
What it actually looks like:
✅ Still anxious sometimes, but don't spiral ✅ Have hard days, but they don't destroy me ✅ Still have problems, but can handle them ✅ Still make mistakes, but don't internalize them ✅ Still get hurt, but don't stay stuck in it
Healing isn't:
Absence of pain.
It's:
Different relationship with pain.
The Other Changes I Noticed
When my friend said I was lighter:
I realized other things had changed too:
1. I laugh more
Genuine laughter.
Not performative.
Not fake.
Just joy.
2. I'm present
Not constantly in my head.
Not ruminating on past.
Not anxious about future.
Just here.
3. I have opinions
About what I want.
What I like.
What matters to me.
I know myself.
4. I don't perform
Not pretending to be okay.
Not managing impressions.
Not shapeshifting for approval.
Just me.
5. I choose me
In big decisions.
In small moments.
In conflict.
I'm on my own team.
6. I'm not waiting
For permission.
For approval.
For the "right time."
I just live.
What My Friend Saw
She saw someone:
Who used to be:
- Tense
- Anxious
- Complaining
- Heavy
- Stuck
- Victim
Become:
- Relaxed
- Calm
- Positive
- Light
- Growing
- Author
Not perfect.
Not "fixed."
Just:
Free.
The Moment I Knew
After she said I was lighter:
I went home.
Looked in the mirror.
And I saw it too.
Someone who:
- Likes herself
- Trusts herself
- Chooses herself
- Knows herself
Someone who:
- Isn't performing
- Isn't shrinking
- Isn't apologizing for existing
Someone who:
Is just living.
Not surviving.
Living.
And I realized:
I'm healing.
Not healed.
Still work to do.
Still growing.
But healing.
And it shows.
In how I move through the world.
In how I show up.
In how I am.
Lighter.
Because I'm not carrying:
- Everyone else's weight
- Past trauma
- Fear of the future
- Need for perfection
- Others' expectations
Just:
Me.
And my own life.
And that's light enough.
About 4Angles: Healing isn't dramatic. It's quiet. It's the day someone tells you you're different—and you realize you're finally becoming yourself.
Last updated: October 31, 2025