He apologized.
Again.
For the same thing.
For the tenth time.
And this time:
I finally heard what he was actually saying.
The Pattern
We'd been together three years.
Same cycle. Over and over.
Phase 1: He does something hurtful
Yells. Dismisses my feelings. Prioritizes himself.
Phase 2: I get upset
Express hurt. Explain why it bothered me.
Phase 3: He apologizes
"I'm so sorry. I'll do better. I promise."
Phase 4: Things are good for a week
Extra affectionate. Attentive. Trying.
Phase 5: He does it again
Exact same behavior.
Repeat.
I kept thinking:
"At least he apologizes. That means he's trying."
I was wrong.
The Apology That Changed Everything
He'd canceled plans again.
Last minute.
Third time that month.
For something that "came up."
That was more important than me.
I was done.
Me: "We need to talk."
Him: "I know. I'm sorry. I really am."
Me: "You said that last time."
Him: "I mean it this time."
And I stopped.
Because I'd heard that before.
Dozens of times.
Me: "What are you sorry for?"
Him: confused "For canceling."
Me: "Why did you cancel?"
Him: "Something came up."
Me: "What came up?"
Him: "My friend needed help with something."
Me: "So you chose him over our plans."
Him: "It's not like that."
Me: "Then what is it like?"
Silence.
Him: "Look, I said I'm sorry. What else do you want?"
And there it was.
What I Finally Heard
He wasn't sorry for hurting me.
He was sorry I was upset.
Big difference.
Sorry For Hurting You:
"I canceled our plans last minute without checking with you first. That was disrespectful of your time. I prioritized my friend over you and that hurt you. I won't do that again."
Acknowledges specific action. Takes responsibility. Commits to change.
Sorry You're Upset:
"I'm sorry. Something came up. I said I'm sorry, what else do you want?"
Vague. Defensive. No ownership. No change commitment.
I'd been accepting the second one:
For three years.
The Questions I Asked
Me: "What are you going to do differently?"
Him: "What do you mean?"
Me: "You've canceled plans three times this month. And apologized three times. What are you going to do so this doesn't happen again?"
Him: uncomfortable "I'll... try harder?"
Me: "How?"
Him: "I don't know. I'll just... be more careful."
Me: "Be more careful how?"
Him: irritated "Why are you interrogating me? I said I'm sorry."
And I realized:
He had no plan to change.
Because he didn't think he needed to.
The Difference Between Real and Empty Apologies
I called my therapist that night.
Me: "How do I know if an apology is real?"
Her: "Does behavior change?"
Me: "No."
Her: "Then it's not a real apology. It's a tactic to end the conversation."
She taught me the components of a real apology:
1. Acknowledges Specific Action
Empty: "I'm sorry."
Real: "I'm sorry I canceled plans last minute without discussing it with you first."
2. Takes Responsibility
Empty: "Something came up." / "You're too sensitive."
Real: "I made a choice that hurt you. That was wrong."
3. Shows Understanding of Impact
Empty: "I said I'm sorry."
Real: "I understand this made you feel unimportant and disrespected."
4. Commits to Specific Change
Empty: "I'll try harder."
Real: "I'm going to check with you before making other plans on our date nights. If something urgent comes up, I'll talk to you about it instead of just canceling."
5. Follows Through
Empty: Apologizes, repeats behavior.
Real: Apologizes, changes behavior.
When I Looked Back
Every apology he'd ever given:
Failed these criteria.
Example 1: When He Yelled At Me
Him: "I'm sorry I yelled."
Me: "Why did you yell?"
Him: "I was stressed."
Me: "What will you do differently?"
Him: "I'll try not to take my stress out on you."
Week later: Yelled again.
Example 2: When He Forgot My Birthday
Him: "I'm so sorry. I've been so busy with work."
Me: "This really hurt."
Him: "I know, I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
Next year: Forgot again.
Example 3: When He Dismissed My Feelings
Me: "When you said my feelings were stupid, that really hurt."
Him: "I didn't say that."
Me: "You did. You said I was overreacting."
Him: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Next fight: Same thing.
The Conversation That Ended It
After the canceled plans:
Me: "Your apologies don't mean anything because you don't change."
Him: "That's not fair. I always apologize."
Me: "Apologies without change are just manipulation."
Him: "I do change!"
Me: "You've canceled plans three times this month."
Him: "Life happens!"
Me: "You've yelled at me how many times this year?"
Him: "You make me angry."
Me: "You've dismissed my feelings in how many fights?"
Him: "You're too sensitive."
And there it was.
No ownership.
No change.
Just excuses.
Me: "I don't think you're capable of the change this relationship needs."
Him: "That's dramatic. I apologize every time."
Me: "That's the problem. You shouldn't need to apologize for the same thing every time."
Him: "So what, you're just giving up?"
Me: "I'm accepting that you're showing me who you are."
I left.
What I Learned
1. Apologies Without Change Are Meaningless
If someone:
- Apologizes repeatedly
- For the same behavior
- Never changes
The apology is:
A tool to placate you.
Not a commitment to change.
2. "I'm Sorry" Can Be Manipulation
It ends the conversation.
It makes you the bad guy if you're still upset.
It gives the appearance of caring without requiring actual change.
3. Words Don't Matter. Patterns Do.
He said:
- "I'm sorry"
- "I'll do better"
- "I promise"
His actions:
Never changed.
What someone does matters more than what they say.
4. You Teach People How to Treat You
By accepting empty apologies:
I taught him:
"I can hurt her, apologize, and nothing will change. She'll stay."
So he kept doing it.
Two Years Later
I'm with someone new.
He hurt my feelings once.
Unintentionally.
Him: "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that would hurt you. What I did was [specific action]. I can see how that made you feel [impact]. I'm not going to do that again. Going forward, I'll [specific change]."
And he hasn't done it again.
That's a real apology.
That's what change looks like.
If You're Hearing "I'm Sorry" Repeatedly
Ask:
1. What specifically are you sorry for?
If they can't articulate it specifically, they don't get it.
2. What will you do differently?
If they can't give specific actions, they have no plan to change.
3. How will I know you've changed?
If they get defensive, they don't want accountability.
Then watch:
Do they follow through?
If not:
The apology was empty.
And they're not going to change.
The Hard Truth
People don't change because they apologize.
They change because they don't want to keep hurting you.
If someone:
- Keeps hurting you the same way
- Apologizes every time
- Nothing changes
They don't want to change.
They want you to stop being upset.
And those are very different things.
What I Wish I'd Known
I wasted three years:
Accepting apologies.
Waiting for change.
When he showed me from the beginning:
He wasn't going to.
I just:
Kept believing his words.
Instead of his patterns.
Now I know:
Real apologies include change.
Empty apologies include excuses.
And I only accept:
The first kind.
About 4Angles: Apologies without change are just manipulation. Watch what people do, not what they say.
Last updated: October 31, 2025