He'd disappear.
For days.
Then text:
"Why are you so anxious? You need to work on your trust issues."
Creating:
The anxiety.
Then blaming me:
For having it.
How They Created the Anxiety
They Were Inconsistent
Monday:
"You're amazing. I'm so lucky."
Wednesday:
Complete silence.
Friday:
"Hey stranger!"
Like nothing happened.
My brain:
Constantly trying to figure out which version I'd get.
Anxiety:
Created.
They Were Vague
Me: "What are we?"
Them: "I don't like labels."
Me: "Okay, but are we exclusive?"
Them: "Let's just see where it goes."
Me: "Where are we going?"
Them: "Why do you need to know everything?"
Uncertainty:
Breeds anxiety.
They knew that.
They Hot and Cold'd Me
One week:
Attentive.
Loving.
Present.
Next week:
Distant.
Cold.
Unavailable.
Back and forth.
My nervous system:
Never knowing:
What to expect.
Anxiety:
Skyrocketing.
They'd Ignore Me Then Gaslight
Days of silence.
Then:
Me: "Why haven't you responded?"
Them: "I've been busy. Why are you so clingy?"
Creating distance.
Then blaming me:
For noticing.
They Made Plans Then Canceled
Repeatedly.
Last minute.
With vague excuses:
"Something came up."
Never:
What.
Teaching me:
I couldn't count on them.
Then saying:
"You're too anxious. Why can't you just relax?"
How They Blamed Me for It
"You're Too Anxious"
When I'd ask:
For basic communication.
Them:
"You're so anxious. That's exhausting."
Translation:
"Stop asking me to be consistent."
"You Have Trust Issues"
When I'd question:
The inconsistencies.
Them:
"You clearly don't trust me. That's your problem."
Translation:
"Stop noticing my shady behavior."
"You're Too Needy"
When I'd ask:
For what I needed.
Them:
"You're so needy. I can't keep up."
Translation:
"I don't want to meet your needs."
"You Need Therapy"
When I'd express:
How their behavior affected me.
Them:
"I think you need to work on yourself."
Translation:
"I'm not taking accountability."
The Gaslighting Cycle
Step 1: They create anxiety
Through inconsistency, vagueness, disappearing
Step 2: You react to the anxiety
By asking questions, seeking reassurance, expressing concern
Step 3: They blame you for the reaction
"You're too anxious," "You have trust issues," "You're needy"
Step 4: You internalize the blame
"Maybe I AM too anxious. Maybe it's MY problem."
Step 5: They continue the behavior
Because you've accepted it's your fault
Repeat.
When I Realized
Therapist: "Did you feel this anxious before this relationship?"
Me: "No."
Her: "So the anxiety started when?"
Me: "When he started being inconsistent."
Her: "And he's telling you the anxiety is YOUR problem?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "He's creating the conditions that make you anxious, then blaming you for being anxious. That's gaslighting."
Everything clicked.
The Pattern I Saw
Every past relationship:
Where I felt "anxious":
Was with someone:
Who was:
- Inconsistent
- Unavailable
- Hot and cold
- Vague
- Unreliable
I wasn't:
"Anxious by nature."
I was:
Reacting to:
Their behavior.
What Happened When I Left
The anxiety:
Disappeared.
Not immediately.
But over time.
As I realized:
It wasn't me.
It was:
My nervous system:
Responding to:
Someone unpredictable.
The Person Who Showed Me the Difference
New relationship.
He was:
- Consistent
- Clear
- Reliable
- Present
- Honest
And I:
Wasn't anxious.
At all.
Because:
There was nothing:
To be anxious about.
The Difference
Relationship That Creates Anxiety:
- Inconsistent communication
- Vague about the future
- Hot and cold behavior
- Unreliable
- Disappears without explanation
- Blames you for reacting
Relationship That Doesn't:
- Consistent communication
- Clear about intentions
- Steady behavior
- Reliable
- Shows up consistently
- Takes accountability
Your anxiety:
Is information.
Not a flaw.
If Someone's Calling You Anxious
Ask:
Was I anxious before them?
If no—they created it.
Are they consistent?
If no—your anxiety makes sense.
Do they communicate clearly?
If no—you're reacting to uncertainty.
Do they follow through?
If no—you can't relax.
Do they blame you for reacting to their behavior?
If yes—that's gaslighting.
Your anxiety:
Isn't the problem.
Their behavior:
Is.
What I Do Now
When someone:
Makes me feel anxious:
I don't ask:
"What's wrong with me?"
I ask:
"What are they doing that's creating this?"
Usually:
They're:
- Being inconsistent
- Being vague
- Disappearing
- Giving mixed signals
And I:
Leave.
Instead of:
Accepting the blame:
For reacting:
To their games.
The Truth
You're not:
"Too anxious."
You're:
Reacting to:
Someone who's:
- Inconsistent
- Unreliable
- Unclear
- Emotionally unavailable
And they're:
Blaming you:
For the anxiety:
They created.
That's not love.
That's manipulation.
About 4Angles: If someone creates anxiety through their inconsistent behavior, then blames you for being anxious—that's gaslighting. Your anxiety is information, not a flaw.
Last updated: November 2, 2025