I said "I'm sorry" forty-three times yesterday.
I counted.
For:
- Asking a question
- Having an opinion
- Needing something
- Existing in a hallway
- Speaking in a meeting
- Taking up time
- Having feelings
None of these required an apology.
The Apologies I Didn't Need to Make
"Sorry, can I ask you something?"
At work.
To my coworker.
Whose job involves answering questions.
What I was really saying:
"Sorry for existing and having needs."
What I should've said:
"Hey, quick question—"
"Sorry, I have a different perspective."
In a meeting.
Where we were asked for input.
I was doing my job.
What I was really saying:
"Sorry for having thoughts that differ from yours."
What I should've said:
"I see it differently—"
"Sorry for being emotional."
To my partner.
After he hurt my feelings.
I was expressing pain.
What I was really saying:
"Sorry for having feelings you caused."
What I should've said:
"I'm hurt because—"
"Sorry, am I in your way?"
In a grocery store.
Standing in an aisle.
Existing in public space.
What I was really saying:
"Sorry for occupying physical space."
What I should've said:
Nothing. Just moved over if needed. No apology necessary.
What I Was Actually Apologizing For
When I examined my apologies:
I wasn't apologizing for things I did.
I was apologizing for:
- Existing
- Having needs
- Taking up space
- Being visible
- Having opinions
- Feeling feelings
- Being human
Where This Started
I learned early:
Good girls:
- Are small
- Don't make trouble
- Don't have needs
- Don't take up space
- Apologize for existing
So I:
- Made myself small
- Avoided trouble
- Hid my needs
- Shrunk
- Apologized constantly
For forty years.
When My Therapist Called It Out
Therapy session:
Me: "Sorry, I know I'm taking up a lot of time today—"
Her: "Stop."
Me: "What?"
Her: "This is your hour. You're paying for this time. Why are you apologizing?"
Me: "I don't know. Habit?"
Her: "You apologize for existing. You did it three times in the last five minutes."
And I heard it.
For the first time.
The Challenge
She gave me homework:
"Notice every time you apologize. Ask yourself: 'Did I actually do something wrong? Or am I just existing?'"
That's how I counted forty-three.
Out of forty-three apologies:
Three were necessary.
(Actual mistakes I made)
Forty were for existing.
What Happened When I Stopped
Week 1: Painful Awareness
Every time I started to say "sorry":
I caught myself.
It was everywhere:
- Sorry for asking questions
- Sorry for speaking
- Sorry for existing in spaces
- Sorry for having needs
I felt:
Guilty for not apologizing.
Like I was being rude.
Week 2: The Substitute Phrases
My therapist gave me alternatives:
Instead of: "Sorry to bother you—"
Say: "Quick question—"
Instead of: "Sorry, I disagree—"
Say: "I see it differently—"
Instead of: "Sorry for being emotional—"
Say: "I'm feeling hurt—"
Instead of: "Sorry, am I in your way?"
Say: Just move over silently, or "Excuse me"
The substitute phrases felt aggressive at first.
Because I was so used to apologizing.
But they were just normal.
Week 3: The Pushback
Some people didn't like it.
Coworker: "Wow, no need to be so direct."
For me saying "Quick question" instead of "Sorry to bother you"
Family member: "You're being cold."
For me not apologizing for having an opinion
These people:
Were used to my apologizing.
My smallness.
My performance of insignificance.
When I stopped:
They noticed.
And some didn't like it.
Because my apologizing made them comfortable.
Week 4: The Clarity
I realized:
People who need you small:
Will punish you for being full-sized.
People who love you:
Want you full-sized.
What Changed
1. I Speak Up More
Before: "Sorry, maybe this is dumb, but—"
After: "I have an idea—"
Before: Soft. Tentative. Apologetic.
After: Clear. Confident. Present.
2. I Take Up Physical Space
Before:
Made myself small everywhere.
- Crossed arms
- Hunched shoulders
- Apologized for existing in spaces
After:
Stand up straight.
Take up the space I need.
No apology.
3. I Ask For What I Need
Before: "Sorry, I know this is annoying, but could you maybe possibly—"
After: "I need—"
Direct. Clear. No apology.
4. I Have Opinions
Before: "Sorry, I don't know if I'm right, but maybe—"
After: "I think—"
No hedging. No apologizing. Just stating.
5. I Express Feelings
Before: "Sorry for being upset—"
After: "I'm upset because—"
My feelings aren't apologies.
They're information.
The People Who Stayed
When I stopped apologizing for existing:
Some people left.
Because they preferred me small.
The people who stayed:
Never needed my apologies.
They wanted me full-sized all along.
The Guilt
I still feel it sometimes.
The urge to apologize for:
- Speaking
- Needing
- Existing
But I catch it.
And I ask:
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Or am I just existing?"
Usually:
I'm just existing.
And existence doesn't require apology.
What I Tell People Now
When they apologize for existing:
Them: "Sorry to bother you—"
Me: "You're not bothering me."
Them: "Sorry for being emotional—"
Me: "Don't apologize for feelings."
Them: "Sorry, I'm probably being stupid—"
Me: "You're not stupid. What's up?"
I give them permission:
To exist without apology.
The same permission I'm learning to give myself.
The Standard Now
I apologize for:
- Actual mistakes I made
- Harm I caused
- Things I'm genuinely sorry for
I don't apologize for:
- Existing
- Having needs
- Taking up space
- Having opinions
- Having feelings
- Being human
And that's the difference.
Six Months Later
I say "I'm sorry" maybe:
Five times a week.
For actual things.
Not for:
Existing.
And I:
- Speak up more
- Feel more confident
- Take up space
- Express needs
- Have opinions
- Am more myself
Because I stopped:
Apologizing for being human.
If You're A Chronic Apologizer
Try this:
Count your apologies for one day.
Then ask for each:
"Did I do something wrong? Or am I just existing?"
You'll be shocked:
How many are for existing.
Then practice:
Not apologizing for those.
It will feel wrong.
Rude.
Aggressive.
It's not.
It's normal.
You've just been programmed:
To apologize for existing.
Stop.
You're allowed:
To take up space.
To have needs.
To have opinions.
To be visible.
To be human.
Without apology.
About 4Angles: You don't need to apologize for existing, having needs, or taking up space. Save your apologies for when you actually do something wrong.
Last updated: October 31, 2025