Everyone kept saying:
"You need to forgive and move on."
So I tried.
Tried to:
- Forget what happened
- Let it go
- Stop being angry
- Be the bigger person
And felt:
Worse.
Then my therapist said:
"Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't even require reconciliation."
Everything changed.
What I Thought Forgiveness Was
I thought forgiving meant:
1. Forgetting What Happened
"Forgive and forget."
So I tried:
To not think about it.
Result:
Suppression.
Not healing.
2. Excusing the Behavior
"It's okay. I forgive you."
Meaning:
"What you did is acceptable."
But it wasn't.
3. Letting Them Back In
"If you forgive, you reconcile."
So I thought:
Forgiving meant:
Giving them another chance.
It doesn't.
4. Pretending I'm Not Hurt
"Forgiveness means you're over it."
So I performed:
Being over it.
While still:
Deeply hurt.
5. Doing It For Them
"They need your forgiveness."
So I tried:
To forgive for their sake.
Didn't work.
What Forgiveness Actually Is
My therapist explained:
Forgiveness is:
Releasing them:
From the debt you think:
They owe you.
It's saying:
"You hurt me. I acknowledge that. And I'm choosing to stop carrying this anger."
Not because:
They deserve it.
But because:
I deserve peace.
The Components of Real Forgiveness
1. You Can Remember
Forgiveness:
Doesn't require amnesia.
You remember:
- What happened
- How it hurt
- What you learned
But without:
The emotional charge.
2. You Don't Excuse
Forgiveness says:
"What you did was wrong. I'm not okay with it. AND I'm choosing to release my anger."
Not:
"It's okay. I understand. It wasn't that bad."
3. You Don't Have To Reconcile
You can:
- Forgive AND never speak to them again
- Forgive AND keep them blocked
- Forgive AND maintain boundaries
Forgiveness:
Doesn't require:
Their presence.
4. It's For You
Not them.
They don't even:
Need to know:
You've forgiven them.
It's:
An internal process.
For your healing.
5. It Takes Time
Not:
A single decision.
But:
A process.
Sometimes:
Years.
How I Actually Forgave
Not by:
Trying to forget.
But by:
1. Feeling Everything First
All the:
- Anger
- Hurt
- Betrayal
- Rage
You can't:
Skip to forgiveness.
You have to:
Feel it all first.
2. Acknowledging the Full Impact
Not minimizing:
"Yeah, it hurt, but..."
But owning:
"This destroyed me. This changed me. This hurt deeply."
3. Grieving
For:
- What I thought I had
- Who I thought they were
- The time lost
- The version of me before
4. Understanding It Wasn't About Me
They didn't hurt me:
Because I deserved it.
They hurt me:
Because of:
Their own wounds.
Their own issues.
Their own brokenness.
Understanding that:
Didn't excuse it.
But it:
Depersonalized it.
5. Deciding To Stop Carrying It
Not for them.
For me.
Because:
Carrying rage:
Was poisoning me.
Not them.
What Changed
Before (Forced Forgiveness):
Me: "I forgive you."
Still seething inside.
Them: "Great! So we're good?"
Me: "Sure."
We're not.
Result:
Resentment.
Fake peace.
No healing.
After (Real Forgiveness):
Me (to myself): "I release you from what I think you owe me. You hurt me. I acknowledge that. And I'm choosing peace."
Them: "Can we talk?"
Me: "No. I've forgiven you. That doesn't mean I want you in my life."
Result:
Actual peace.
Real healing.
Boundaries intact.
What Forgiveness Gave Me
1. Freedom
From:
Replaying it.
Hoping for revenge.
Waiting for apology.
2. Peace
Not because:
Justice was served.
But because:
I chose:
To stop fighting a war:
In my mind.
3. Energy
That was going:
To anger:
Now going:
To my life.
4. My Power Back
When I was:
Waiting for them:
To apologize, change, suffer:
They had power:
Over my healing.
When I forgave:
I took it back.
What Forgiveness Didn't Give Me
1. Reconciliation
They're still:
Out of my life.
Forgiveness:
Didn't change that.
2. Trust
I forgave.
Doesn't mean:
I trust them.
3. Amnesia
I remember:
Everything.
I just:
Don't feel:
Rage about it anymore.
4. An Apology
They never:
Apologized.
I forgave:
Anyway.
For me.
One Year Later
They reached out:
"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"
Old me:
Would've been waiting for this.
New me:
Already moved on.
I didn't respond.
Not because:
I'm still angry.
But because:
I forgave them.
AND:
Don't want them:
In my life.
Both can be true.
If You're Struggling To Forgive
Stop trying:
To forget.
To excuse.
To reconcile.
To do it for them.
Instead:
Feel everything first.
Acknowledge the full hurt.
Grieve what was lost.
Understand it wasn't about you.
Choose peace for yourself.
Then:
One day:
You'll notice:
You think of them:
And don't feel:
Rage.
Just:
Nothing.
Or sadness.
Or relief you left.
That's forgiveness.
Not forgetting.
Not excusing.
Not reconciling.
Just:
Releasing the emotional hold:
They had on you.
About 4Angles: Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, excusing, or reconciling. It means releasing your anger—for your own peace, not theirs.
Last updated: October 31, 2025