I was always the person who:
- Texted first
- Made the plans
- Followed up
- Asked how people were doing
- Kept friendships alive
Then I stopped.
Just to see what would happen.
The Experiment
I'd been in therapy talking about how exhausted I was.
My therapist asked:
"What would happen if you stopped initiating?"
Me: "My friendships would die."
Her: "All of them?"
Me: "...probably most of them."
Her: "Then were they friendships? Or were they just you performing maintenance on people who weren't showing up?"
Ouch.
She suggested an experiment:
"For one month, don't initiate. See who reaches out to you."
I was terrified.
But I did it.
Week 1: Silence
I stopped:
- Texting first
- Making plans
- Checking in
- Sending memes
- Asking how people were
I waited.
Day 1-3: Nothing.
Day 4: One friend texted asking for advice about her relationship.
Day 5-7: Silence.
I felt:
- Anxious
- Forgotten
- Invisible
- Like I'd done something wrong
But I kept going.
Week 2: The Guilt
My brain:
"They probably think you're mad at them."
"They're probably waiting for you to reach out."
"You're being petty."
"This is a stupid experiment."
"Just text them."
I didn't.
Day 10: Same friend texted again. Needed something.
Day 11-14: Silence.
By the end of week 2:
Out of twelve "close" friends:
One had reached out.
Twice.
Both times needing something.
Week 3: The Clarity
I stopped feeling anxious.
Started feeling clear.
Because the silence was information.
These people I'd been:
- Texting daily
- Making plans with
- Checking on
- Supporting
Didn't notice I was gone.
Or noticed.
And didn't care enough to reach out.
Week 3:
Two more people texted.
One: "Hey! Haven't heard from you in a while! Everything okay?"
Translation: You're not performing your usual role and I noticed.
The other: "Want to grab coffee next week?"
Actual friend.
Week 4: The Results
End of the month:
Out of twelve "close friends":
One reached out genuinely to connect.
Two reached out when they needed something.
One noticed I'd been quiet and checked in.
Eight never texted.
That's 8 people I'd been maintaining friendships with singlehandedly.
What I Learned
1. I Was Chasing People Who Weren't Running Toward Me
I thought I was:
- Being a good friend
- Maintaining relationships
- Staying connected
I was actually:
- Performing
- Chasing
- Doing all the work
Real friendship:
Is reciprocal.
2. Some People Only Value You For What You Give
The ones who only reached out when they needed something?
They didn't value me.
They valued:
- My advice
- My emotional labor
- My availability
- My support
When I stopped giving:
They stopped showing up.
3. Letting Go Of Dead Friendships Creates Space
I'd been so busy:
Maintaining friendships that didn't matter:
That I had no energy for friendships that did.
When I stopped chasing eight people:
I had time for the two who mattered.
4. The Right People Don't Need Chasing
The one friend who reached out to connect:
Didn't need me to:
- Perform
- Chase
- Initiate every time
- Do all the work
She just:
Wanted to be friends.
That's what friendship should be.
What Happened After the Month
I didn't go back to chasing.
The eight who never reached out:
I let them go.
Didn't:
- Announce it
- Make it dramatic
- Send a goodbye message
Just:
Stopped doing all the work.
And the friendships died.
Because they were already dead.
I'd just been performing CPR.
The Friend Who Showed Up
The one who reached out to actually connect?
Her text:
"Hey! I feel like we haven't talked in forever. Want to grab dinner and catch up?"
Not:
- "Can you help me with..."
- "I need advice on..."
- "What's wrong?"
Just:
"I miss you. Let's hang out."
We went to dinner.
She asked about my life.
Actually listened.
Shared about hers.
It was easy.
No:
- Keeping track of who texted last
- Wondering if I was bothering her
- Feeling like I was doing all the work
Just:
Two people who wanted to be there.
That's when I realized:
I'd never experienced that before.
One Year Later
I have three close friends now.
Down from twelve.
And I'm less lonely than I've ever been.
Because:
I'd rather have three real friends:
Than twelve people I'm chasing.
These three:
- Text me without me texting first
- Make plans, not just accept my plans
- Check in on me
- Remember things I told them
- Show up when I need them
- Want to be in my life
I don't have to:
- Chase
- Perform
- Do all the work
- Wonder if they care
They just show up.
If You're Always the One Reaching Out
Try the experiment.
For one month:
Don't initiate.
See who:
- Reaches out to connect (not just take)
- Notices you're quiet
- Makes effort
- Actually wants to be friends
It will be scary.
You'll feel invisible.
You'll want to give in.
Don't.
Because the silence is information.
And the ones who reach out?
Those are your people.
The Uncomfortable Truth
Most friendships are one person doing all the work.
And calling it "friendship."
Real friendship is:
- Reciprocal
- Easy
- Mutual
- Balanced
If you're chasing:
It's not friendship.
It's you loving people who aren't loving you back.
And you deserve:
People who run toward you:
As fast as you run toward them.
What I'd Tell My Past Self
Stop chasing.
The right people:
Won't make you.
The wrong people:
Will disappear when you do.
Let them.
Because on the other side of letting go:
Is space.
For the people who:
Actually want to stay.
And those people?
Are worth ten of the ones you were chasing.
I stopped chasing.
Lost most of my "friends."
Found my actual friends.
Best decision I ever made.
About 4Angles: If you're always the one reaching out, stop. The ones who matter will notice. The ones who don't will disappear. And that's how you know.
Last updated: October 31, 2025