I spent my childhood watching them fight.
Screaming matches.
Silent treatments.
Slammed doors.
Then:
Divorce.
I was fifteen.
For years I thought:
"They just weren't compatible."
"They fell out of love."
"Marriage is hard."
Then I got into therapy.
Started my own relationship.
Repeated their patterns.
And finally understood:
Why they failed.
What I Saw as a Kid
They fought constantly.
About:
- Money
- Chores
- Parenting
- Family
- Everything
But never:
Really talked.
Just:
- Yelled
- Blamed
- Defended
- Shut down
I thought:
"That's just how marriages are."
It's not.
The Pattern I Didn't See
Mom's Pattern: Pursue
When Dad pulled away:
Mom:
- Chased
- Demanded connection
- Got louder
- Got more emotional
- Criticized
- Exploded
Trying to:
Get him to engage.
Dad's Pattern: Withdraw
When Mom got emotional:
Dad:
- Shut down
- Got quiet
- Left the room
- Worked more
- Emotionally checked out
Trying to:
Escape the intensity.
The Dance That Killed Them
Mom would pursue.
Dad would withdraw.
The more she pursued:
The more he withdrew.
The more he withdrew:
The more she pursued.
A vicious cycle.
Neither:
Getting what they needed.
Mom:
Needed connection.
But her pursuing:
Pushed him away.
Dad:
Needed space.
But his withdrawing:
Made her chase more.
Both:
Creating the thing:
They feared most.
What They Actually Needed
Mom Needed:
To feel:
- Seen
- Heard
- Prioritized
- Connected to him
But expressed it as:
Criticism and demands.
Which pushed him away.
Dad Needed:
To feel:
- Respected
- Not criticized
- Space to breathe
- Appreciated
But expressed it as:
Withdrawal and silence.
Which made her pursue more.
Why Neither Could Change
Mom Couldn't Stop Pursuing
Because:
When she stopped:
He never came toward her.
So she thought:
"If I don't fight for this, he won't either."
And she was right.
But:
Her fighting:
Made him withdraw more.
Dad Couldn't Stop Withdrawing
Because:
When he engaged:
She criticized.
So he thought:
"Nothing I do is good enough. Why try?"
And he had a point.
But:
His withdrawing:
Made her more desperate.
What Therapy Taught Me
I repeated their pattern.
With my ex:
When he pulled away:
I pursued.
Texted more.
Asked what was wrong.
Tried to fix it.
Got more emotional.
And he:
Withdrew more.
I became my mom.
He became my dad.
Until my therapist pointed it out.
Her: "You're chasing someone who's running. The more you chase, the faster he runs."
Me: "So I should just... let him go?"
Her: "Or stop chasing. And see if he comes toward you."
I stopped.
He didn't.
That's when I knew:
It wasn't going to work.
What My Parents Didn't Know
1. They Were Speaking Different Languages
Mom's love language: Quality time, words of affirmation
Dad's love language: Acts of service, physical touch
Neither:
Knew how to speak:
The other's language.
So both:
Felt unloved.
2. They Never Addressed the Real Issues
They fought about:
- Dishes
- Money
- In-laws
Never talked about:
- Feeling disconnected
- Unmet needs
- Growing resentment
- Emotional distance
Surface arguments:
Covered deeper wounds.
3. They Needed Therapy
But didn't go.
Because:
"We can handle this ourselves."
They couldn't.
And by the time:
They tried counseling:
Too much damage.
Too much resentment.
Too far gone.
4. They Each Thought the Other Would Change
Mom thought:
"If he'd just open up, we'd be fine."
Dad thought:
"If she'd just calm down, we'd be fine."
Both waiting:
For the other to change first.
Neither:
Changing themselves.
5. They Stayed Too Long
For the kids.
"We're staying together for you."
But:
Growing up in a war zone:
Wasn't better:
Than divorce.
We learned:
That's what relationships look like.
And carried that:
Into our own.
What I Learned From Their Failure
1. Pursuing + Withdrawing = Death Spiral
If you're the pursuer:
Stop chasing.
If they don't come toward you:
You have your answer.
If you're the withdrawer:
Stop running.
If you can't stay present:
You're not ready for relationship.
2. Resentment Kills Everything
My parents:
Were swimming in resentment.
Years of:
- Unmet needs
- Unspoken hurt
- Unresolved fights
By the end:
They hated each other.
Resentment:
Is relationship poison.
3. You Can't Change Your Partner
You can only:
Change yourself.
And hope:
They choose to change too.
If they don't:
You can't fix it alone.
4. Staying "For the Kids" Isn't Kindness
It's teaching them:
That loveless relationships:
Are normal.
Better:
Two happy homes:
Than one miserable one.
5. Get Help Before It's Too Late
My parents waited:
15 years.
To try therapy.
By then:
Nothing to save.
Therapy works:
When there's still something:
Worth saving.
How I'm Different
In my current relationship:
When I Want to Pursue:
I pause.
Ask myself:
"Am I chasing?"
If yes:
I stop.
And communicate instead.
"I'm feeling distant from you. Can we talk?"
Not:
Chasing.
Just asking.
When He Withdraws:
I don't pursue.
I say:
"I notice you're pulling away. I'm here when you're ready."
Then:
Give space.
He comes back.
Because I'm not chasing him away.
We Address Issues Early
Not after:
15 years of resentment.
But:
When they're small.
Before they become:
Relationship-ending.
We Go to Therapy
Preventatively.
Not as last resort.
But as:
Maintenance.
Three Years Later
My parents are both remarried.
Happier.
Because:
They learned.
Dad's new wife:
Doesn't pursue him.
Gives him space.
He opens up more.
Mom's new husband:
Engages with her.
Doesn't withdraw.
She's calmer.
They found partners:
Who didn't trigger:
Their worst patterns.
The Lesson
My parents' marriage didn't fail:
Because they were bad people.
Or incompatible.
But because:
They:
- Danced a toxic dance
- Never got help
- Waited too long
- Expected the other to change
- Couldn't break the cycle
And I almost:
Did the same thing.
Until I:
Learned their patterns.
Broke my own.
Chose differently.
Their failure:
Taught me:
How to succeed.
About 4Angles: Understanding your parents' relationship patterns helps you avoid repeating them. Their failures can be your lessons.
Last updated: October 31, 2025