I used to explain.
Over and over.
Why I felt hurt.
Why I needed space.
Why I couldn't do something.
Why their behavior was wrong.
Convinced:
If I just explained it:
Right:
They'd understand.
They never did.
Because:
They didn't want to.
The Pattern
Me: "When you said that, it hurt my feelings."
Them: "Why?"
Me: Explains for ten minutes.
Them: "I still don't see the problem."
Me: Explains differently.
Them: "You're being too sensitive."
Me: Explains again with examples.
Them: "I think you're overreacting."
Repeat.
Forever.
What I Thought Was Happening
They don't understand.
If I just:
Explain better.
Find the right words.
Give more context.
Show more examples.
They'll get it.
What Was Actually Happening
They understood perfectly.
They just:
Didn't care.
Or:
Didn't want to:
Take accountability.
So they:
Played dumb.
And I:
Kept explaining.
The Moment It Clicked
Explaining why:
He hurt me.
For the fifth time.
Him: "I just don't understand why you're so upset."
My friend (who overheard):
"Yes you do. You just don't care."
Silence.
Because:
She was right.
He understood.
He just:
Didn't want to:
Admit fault.
Change behavior.
Take responsibility.
So he pretended:
Not to understand.
And I:
Exhausted myself:
Explaining.
The Types of People Who Make You Explain
1. The "I Don't Get It" Person
You: "That comment was hurtful."
Them: "I don't see how."
You: Explains.
Them: "Still don't get it."
You: Explains more.
Them: "I think you're reading too much into it."
Translation:
"I understand. I just don't want to apologize."
2. The "Prove It" Person
You: "You've been distant lately."
Them: "No I haven't."
You: "You haven't called in two weeks."
Them: "I've been busy."
You: "You posted on social media every day."
Them: "That's different."
You: "How?"
Them: "You're being needy."
Translation:
"Stop calling me out."
3. The "You're Too Sensitive" Person
You: "That hurt."
Them: "You're too sensitive."
You: Explains why it's not about sensitivity.
Them: "See? Too sensitive."
Translation:
"I don't want to change my behavior, so I'll make this your problem."
4. The "What About Me" Person
You: "I need more communication."
Them: "Well I need space."
You: "I'm not asking you to talk all day. Just—"
Them: "You're always making demands."
You: "That's not what—"
Them: "I can't do anything right."
Translation:
"I'm making myself the victim so you stop asking for things."
What I Used to Do
Explain more.
Surely:
If I just found:
The right combination of words:
They'd:
- Understand
- Apologize
- Change
- Validate me
I'd write:
Long texts.
Detailed explanations.
Examples.
Analogies.
Exhausting myself.
Trying to make them:
See.
What I Do Now
I explain once.
Clearly.
Calmly.
Directly.
If they:
- Deflect
- Dismiss
- Play dumb
- Make me the problem
I stop.
Because:
If someone wants to understand:
They will.
If they don't want to:
No amount of explaining:
Will make them.
The Script I Use
Them: "I don't understand why you're upset."
Old me:
Launches into twenty-minute explanation.
New me:
"I've explained it. If you don't understand at this point, that's not something I can fix."
Them: "But I really don't get it."
Old me:
Tries again with different words.
New me:
"I think you do. And if you genuinely don't, we're not compatible."
Them: "You're not even trying to help me understand."
Old me:
Feels guilty, explains more.
New me:
"I've tried. I'm done."
Then:
I leave the conversation.
What Happened When I Stopped
1. I Saved My Energy
For people who:
Actually wanted:
To understand.
2. I Spotted Manipulators Faster
Because:
People who genuinely care:
Don't make you:
Explain basic respect:
Fifty times.
3. Better People Showed Up
Who said:
"Oh, I hurt you? I'm sorry. Tell me what happened."
And actually:
Listened.
No:
Endless explaining required.
4. I Stopped Doubting Myself
When you explain:
Over and over:
You start to think:
"Maybe I'm not making sense."
When you stop:
You realize:
"I made perfect sense. They just didn't want to hear it."
The Friend Who Got It
Her: "I think I hurt your feelings earlier. What did I do?"
Me: Explained once.
Her: "Oh my god, you're right. I'm sorry. I won't do that again."
That's it.
One explanation.
One apology.
Changed behavior.
No:
- Defensiveness
- Deflection
- "You're too sensitive"
- Making me prove it
- Hours of circular conversation
Just:
Understanding.
That's when I knew:
The others:
Understood all along.
They just:
Didn't want to.
The Difference
People who want to understand:
- Ask clarifying questions
- Listen actively
- Take accountability
- Apologize when needed
- Change behavior
- Don't make you repeat yourself
People who don't:
- Make you explain endlessly
- Deflect and dismiss
- Play dumb
- Turn it back on you
- Never change
- Make you feel crazy
One group:
Cares.
The other:
Doesn't.
What I Tell Myself Now
When someone says:
"I don't understand."
After I've explained clearly:
I remind myself:
Understanding:
Isn't the issue.
Caring:
Is.
And I can't:
Explain someone:
Into caring.
If You're Stuck Explaining
Ask yourself:
How many times:
Have I explained this?
More than once?
They understand.
They're choosing:
Not to acknowledge it.
Stop explaining.
Start:
Walking away.
From people who:
Make you work this hard:
To be heard.
About 4Angles: If you've explained yourself more than once, they understand—they just don't want to acknowledge it. Stop exhausting yourself for people who choose not to care.
Last updated: November 2, 2025