For years I asked the wrong question.
I asked:
"Why do I keep attracting toxic people?"
Like I was a magnet.
Like they sought me out.
Like it was happening TO me.
My therapist reframed it:
"You're not attracting them. Everyone meets toxic people. The question is: why do you let them stay?"
And everything shifted.
The Pattern I Couldn't See
My relationship history:
Person 1: Emotionally manipulative
Person 2: Narcissistic
Person 3: Controlling
Person 4: Emotionally unavailable
Person 5: Victim complex
I thought:
"I have the worst luck. I just keep meeting terrible people."
My therapist:
"Or you're picking from the same pool and ignoring the red flags."
Ouch.
What I Was Actually Doing
I wasn't attracting toxic people.
I was:
1. Ignoring Red Flags
Early signs I dismissed:
Him: Love-bombed me on date two.
Me: "He's just really into me!"
Therapist: "Or he's moving too fast to bypass your judgment."
Him: Talked badly about all his exes.
Me: "They must have been terrible."
Therapist: "Or he's the common denominator."
Him: No close friends.
Me: "He's just independent."
Therapist: "Or people don't stick around."
Every red flag:
I explained away.
2. Confusing Intensity With Connection
Toxic people came on strong:
- Texted constantly
- Wanted to spend all their time with me
- Said "I love you" within weeks
- Made me their whole world
I thought:
"This is passion! This is connection!"
Actually:
It was intensity.
Masquerading as intimacy.
Healthy people:
Build slowly.
Toxic people:
Rush to lock you in before you see who they really are.
3. Being Attracted to "Projects"
I was drawn to people who:
- Had "potential"
- Just needed someone to believe in them
- Had rough pasts
- Were "misunderstood"
I thought:
"I can help them. My love will heal them."
Therapist:
"You're not a rehab center. You're a person seeking a partner."
4. Mistaking Lack of Boundaries for Kindness
I thought being accommodating was good:
- Canceling my plans for theirs
- Always being available
- Never saying no
- Putting their needs first
I thought:
"I'm a good partner."
Actually:
I was showing them I had no boundaries.
And people without boundaries:
Attract people who love to cross them.
5. Trauma Bonding
I bonded over shared pain:
Them: "I've been hurt so many times."
Me: "Me too! We understand each other."
I thought:
"We have so much in common."
Actually:
We both had unhealed wounds.
And expected each other to heal them.
6. Ignoring My Gut
Every toxic person:
Made me feel uneasy early on.
My gut said:
"Something's off."
My brain said:
"You're being paranoid. Give them a chance. Stop self-sabotaging."
I overrode my instincts:
Every time.
What Changed
My therapist gave me homework:
"For the next three months, don't date anyone. Work on yourself. Learn what healthy looks like. Figure out why you choose toxicity."
I was offended.
But I did it.
Month 1: Learning My Patterns
I journaled about every past relationship:
What attracted me to them?
- Intensity
- Neediness
- "Potential"
- Shared trauma
What red flags did I ignore?
- Love-bombing
- Isolation from friends/family
- Criticism disguised as "help"
- No accountability
What did they have in common?
- Made me responsible for their emotions
- Moved too fast
- Lots of drama
Pattern:
I was attracted to people who needed me.
Because being needed felt like being loved.
Month 2: Learning What Healthy Looks Like
Therapist had me list qualities of healthy relationships:
Healthy people:
- Take responsibility for their emotions
- Have close friendships
- Speak kindly about exes (or neutrally)
- Build connection slowly
- Respect boundaries
- Have their own life
- Don't need to be "fixed"
I realized:
I'd never dated a healthy person.
Because healthy didn't feel familiar.
Month 3: Working on Myself
I worked on:
1. My boundaries
Learned to say no. Practiced not explaining. Got comfortable with disappointing people.
2. My self-worth
Realized my worth isn't based on being needed.
3. My red flag radar
Stopped explaining them away. Started taking them seriously.
4. My gut instinct
Stopped overriding it. Started trusting it.
What Changed When I Started Dating Again
I met someone.
He was:
- Consistent (not intense)
- Had close friends
- Spoke respectfully about exes
- Built connection slowly
- Respected my boundaries
- Had his own life
And I almost dismissed him.
Because:
He didn't feel exciting.
No love-bombing.
No intensity.
No drama.
No "project" to fix.
Just:
Steady. Healthy. Calm.
Old me would've said:
"There's no spark."
New me:
"This is what healthy feels like. And I'm not used to it."
I stayed.
The First Test
Three weeks in:
Him: "Want to hang out tonight?"
Me: "I have plans with friends."
Him: "Cool, have fun! Tomorrow?"
And he just... accepted it.
No:
- Guilt trip
- "You always choose them over me"
- Silent treatment
- Making me feel bad
Just:
Respect.
I almost cried.
Because I'd never experienced that.
The Differences I Noticed
Toxic Relationships:
- Moved fast
- Intense immediately
- Needed constant reassurance
- Didn't respect boundaries
- Lots of drama
- Felt exhausting
Healthy Relationship:
- Built slowly
- Comfortable gradually
- Secure in themselves
- Respected boundaries
- Calm and steady
- Felt easy
Healthy felt boring at first.
Because I equated intensity with love.
But intensity isn't love.
It's anxiety.
What "Not Attracting Toxic People" Actually Means
It doesn't mean:
They stop existing or approaching me.
It means:
1. I spot red flags early
And actually pay attention to them.
2. I don't ignore my gut
If something feels off, I trust that.
3. I have boundaries
And enforce them from the start.
4. I'm not attracted to intensity
Slow and steady feels safe, not boring.
5. I'm not looking for projects
I want a partner, not someone to fix.
6. I end things early when I see toxicity
Not months or years later.
The Toxic Person I Met Last Year
Met someone at a party.
Charming. Intense. Interested.
He:
- Texted constantly from day one
- Wanted to see me every day
- Said I was "different from anyone he'd met"
- Talked badly about his ex
Old me:
"He's so into me! This is amazing!"
Would've dated him. Would've ignored red flags. Would've ended up hurt.
New me:
"This is love-bombing. This is too fast. This feels familiar. And not in a good way."
I didn't go out with him.
He called me cold.
I didn't care.
Because I'd rather be "cold":
Than in another toxic relationship.
One Year Later
I'm still with the "boring" guy.
Except he's not boring.
He's stable.
And stable is:
What I actually needed.
No drama.
No walking on eggshells.
No managing his emotions.
No constant crisis.
Just:
Partnership.
The Real Answer
"How did you stop attracting toxic people?"
I didn't.
I stopped:
- Ignoring red flags
- Choosing intensity over stability
- Trying to fix people
- Overriding my gut
- Accepting poor treatment
- Staying when I should leave
Toxic people still exist.
I just:
Don't let them in anymore.
About 4Angles: You don't attract toxic people—you ignore the red flags and let them stay. Learn to spot the signs early and walk away.
Last updated: October 31, 2025