The "Polite" Email That Starts a War
You think you're being professional.
You're keeping it polite. You're not being confrontational.
But something in your email makes the recipient think:
"Are they being serious right now? That's incredibly rude."
You didn't mean to be aggressive. You thought you were being diplomatic.
But passive-aggressive language is worse than direct language.
Because it:
- Pretends to be polite while being hostile
- Leaves the recipient unsure how to respond
- Damages relationships without clear resolution
- Makes you look petty and unprofessional
And there are 5 specific phrases that trigger this response every time.
The 5 Phrases That Always Sound Passive-Aggressive
Phrase #1: "Per my last email..."
What you think you're saying: "As I mentioned previously"
What they hear: "Learn to read, idiot. I already told you this."
Why it's passive-aggressive:
- Implies they're incompetent for not reading/remembering
- Sounds condescending
- Expresses frustration without owning it
- Corporate-speak for "weren't you listening?"
Phrase #2: "As I'm sure you're aware..."
What you think you're saying: "You probably know this already"
What they hear: "You SHOULD know this, and if you don't, that's embarrassing for you"
Why it's passive-aggressive:
- Implies they should already know (even if they don't)
- Sets up a power dynamic
- Sounds condescending
- Expresses superiority
Phrase #3: "Just wanted to circle back..."
What you think you're saying: "Following up on this topic"
What they hear: "Since you ignored me the first time..."
Why it's passive-aggressive (in certain contexts):
- Implies they dropped the ball
- Sounds like you're managing them
- Corporate jargon that hides frustration
- Often paired with other passive-aggressive language
Phrase #4: "Not sure if you saw my email but..."
What you think you're saying: "In case you missed this"
What they hear: "I know you saw it and you're ignoring me"
Why it's passive-aggressive:
- Implies they're avoiding you
- Forces them to either admit they ignored you or lie
- Expresses doubt about their professionalism
- Accusatory while pretending not to be
Phrase #5: "Thanks in advance"
What you think you're saying: "Thank you for helping with this"
What they hear: "You're going to do this whether you like it or not"
Why it's passive-aggressive (in certain contexts):
- Assumes compliance before they've agreed
- Removes their agency to say no
- Sounds presumptuous
- Can feel like a power move
Note: This one is context-dependent. Fine with peers on mutual requests. Passive-aggressive when demanding or to superiors.
Why Passive-Aggressive Language Backfires
It Creates Ambiguous Hostility
Direct anger is easier to handle than hidden anger.
When someone is directly angry:
- You know where you stand
- You can address it
- You can apologize or explain
- You can resolve it
When someone is passive-aggressive:
- You're not sure if they're being hostile
- You can't address it without looking defensive
- The hostility lingers
- Nothing gets resolved
Passive aggression poisons relationships slowly.
It Makes YOU Look Unprofessional
Who sounds more professional:
Person A: "You didn't send the report. I need it by EOD."
Person B: "Per my last email, just circling back on the report. As I'm sure you're aware, this was due yesterday. Not sure if you saw my message but I still need this. Thanks in advance!"
Person A is direct. Person B sounds petty, condescending, and difficult.
Direct beats passive-aggressive every time.
It Trains People to Avoid You
When you're passive-aggressive:
- People dread your emails
- They avoid asking you questions
- They stop collaborating with you
- Your reputation suffers
Nobody wants to work with the passive-aggressive person.
How to Say What You Mean Without Being Passive-Aggressive
Instead of: "Per my last email..."
What you actually mean: "I already sent this information"
Direct way to say it:
✅ "I sent the details on Monday—forwarding that email now for reference."
✅ "Quick recap since the last email was long: [key point]"
✅ "Following up on my previous email about [topic]"
Why this works:
- Not condescending
- Assumes good intent (they were busy, email got buried)
- Provides information helpfully
Instead of: "As I'm sure you're aware..."
What you actually mean: "This is common knowledge" or "You should know this"
Direct way to say it:
✅ "As background, [information]"
✅ "Quick context: [information]"
✅ Simply state the information without the prefix
Why this works:
- Doesn't assume their knowledge level
- Not condescending
- Just provides information
Instead of: "Just wanted to circle back..."
What you actually mean: "You haven't responded to my previous email"
Direct way to say it:
✅ "Following up on [topic] from my email on [date]"
✅ "Still need your input on [topic]—do you have time this week?"
✅ "Checking in on [topic]—any update?"
Why this works:
- Direct about what you need
- No implied blame
- Professional, not petty
Instead of: "Not sure if you saw my email but..."
What you actually mean: "You didn't respond"
Direct way to say it:
✅ "Following up on my email from [day] about [topic]"
✅ "Haven't heard back on [topic]—do you need anything from me to move this forward?"
✅ "Bumping this up in your inbox—need your input on [topic]"
Why this works:
- Assumes good intent (they're busy, not ignoring you)
- Direct about what you need
- Opens door for them to explain if there's a blocker
Instead of: "Thanks in advance"
What you actually mean: "Thank you for doing this"
Direct way to say it:
✅ "Thanks for your help with this" (after they agree)
✅ "Would appreciate your help with [task]. Let me know if you have time."
✅ "Could you help with [task]? Happy to return the favor."
Why this works:
- Doesn't assume compliance
- Gives them agency
- Sounds collaborative, not presumptuous
Real Examples: Passive-Aggressive vs Direct
Scenario: Following Up on an Ignored Email
❌ PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE VERSION
Hi Jennifer,
Per my last email, just wanted to circle back on this. As I'm sure you're aware, we need to finalize the budget by Friday. Not sure if you saw my previous message but I still need your approval. Thanks in advance!
What's wrong:
- "Per my last email" (condescending)
- "Just wanted to circle back" (implies she ignored you)
- "As I'm sure you're aware" (implies she should be embarrassed)
- "Not sure if you saw" (implies she's ignoring you)
- "Thanks in advance" (assumes compliance)
- ALL 5 PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PHRASES in one email
How this lands: "Wow, that's incredibly rude."
✅ DIRECT VERSION
Hi Jennifer,
Following up on the budget approval from my email last Tuesday.
We need final approval by Friday to meet the vendor deadline. If you need any additional information to make the decision, let me know.
Thanks, [Name]
What's right:
- Clear follow-up (no implied blame)
- States why it's urgent
- Offers to help
- Professional tone
- No passive aggression
How this lands: "Got it, I'll handle this."
Scenario: Someone Didn't Follow a Process
❌ PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE VERSION
Hi team,
As I'm sure you're aware, we have a process for submitting expenses. Per my email from last month, all receipts need to be submitted through the portal. Not sure if everyone saw that message, but just wanted to circle back on this. Thanks in advance for following the process going forward!
What's wrong:
- Sounds like scolding
- Uses 4 of 5 passive-aggressive phrases
- Doesn't address the actual problem
- Condescending tone
✅ DIRECT VERSION
Hi team,
Quick reminder: Please submit all expense receipts through the portal (link here).
If you've submitted receipts via email recently, no problem—I'll process them this time. Going forward, portal submissions help us process faster.
Let me know if you need help with the portal.
Thanks, [Name]
What's right:
- Direct instruction
- No blame for past behavior
- Explains why it matters
- Offers help
- Professional and kind
Other Passive-Aggressive Patterns to Avoid
The Excessive Punctuation
❌ "Please send the report today!!!"
Multiple exclamation points sound frantic or aggressive.
✅ "Please send the report by 5pm today."
The Fake Question
❌ "Did you forget about the meeting?"
You know they forgot. This is just a guilt trip.
✅ "Missed you at the meeting this morning. Want to catch you up—do you have 10 minutes?"
The CC Escalation
Sending a follow-up email and CC'ing their boss without warning.
This is passive-aggressive warfare.
If you need to escalate, say so:
"I haven't been able to get this resolved. I'm going to loop in [manager] to help. Thanks."
The "Just Checking In"
❌ "Just checking in again... still waiting on that report..."
The ellipses and "again" make it passive-aggressive.
✅ "Following up on the report—need it by Friday. Any blockers I can help with?"
When You're On the Receiving End
If Someone Is Passive-Aggressive to You:
Don't match their energy.
❌ Don't send passive-aggressive response back
✅ Respond directly and professionally
Example:
Them: "Per my last email, not sure if you saw my message..."
You: "Got it—apologies for the delay. I'll have this to you by EOD."
Why this works:
- De-escalates
- Models professional communication
- Gets you what you need
- Makes them look petty if they continue
The 4 Tests for Direct Communication
Before sending:
1. SIGNAL: Am I saying what I actually mean?
Or am I hiding frustration behind "polite" language?
2. OPPORTUNITY: Am I being clear and direct?
Would they know exactly what I need?
3. RISK: Could this sound passive-aggressive?
Remove phrases that sound condescending or blame-shifting.
4. AFFECT: Would I want to receive this email?
If it would annoy you, rewrite it.
Check Your Message for Passive-Aggressive Language
Not sure if your email sounds professional or hostile?
Analyze it free with 4Angles →
Paste your message. See how it scores on:
- SIGNAL (Are you being direct?)
- OPPORTUNITY (Is your tone professional?)
- RISK (Are you using passive-aggressive language?)
- AFFECT (How will they feel receiving this?)
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Related Reading
- The One Sentence That Makes You Sound Unprofessional
- How to Disagree With Your Boss Without Getting Fired
- Does My Email Sound Rude?
About 4Angles: We analyze your writing from 4 psychological perspectives (Signal, Opportunity, Risk, Affect) to help you communicate with confidence. Free analysis available at 4angles.com.
Last Updated: 2025-10-28